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To really think that I only want one child?

(56 Posts)
teacher123 Fri 20-Sep-13 20:08:59

I love DS (17mo) More than words and he is adorable in every way. He was much wanted and longed for and I can honestly say he is the best thing that's ever happened to me. However I also feel a strong sense of horror at the thought of ever having another baby. I just don't want to do it again, I have had anxiety and PND diagnosed but I don't think it's that, I just don't want to. However EVERYONE keeps asking me when we're going to have another one and I feel like a freak. Loads of people say that the only reason they stopped at 2 is because of money/practicalities. I just feel really strongly like I don't want one. Has anyone else felt like this?

missingmumxox Sun 22-Sep-13 04:17:27

You are not wrong, I had My one and only, which where twins, I would have loved another but I couldn't risk more twins, Mine are 1 of 3 sets in my family at the moment.

you may change you mind in the future but hay ho, you are allowed too, singletons are great, trust me they a mum of twins I find the only Mums who want to do play dates with my twins (god I hate that expression) are the mums with one child, I think because they don't have other children to entertain, other than their one, and I am happy to reciprocate as I only have one to entertain on top of my 2.

I don't know many singletons in adult life? but I have a brother and when my Dad was ill and needed care my Brother was in the Army and so it all fell to me, so having a sibling does not stop that.

MyBaby1day Sun 22-Sep-13 02:51:56


MyBaby1day Sun 22-Sep-13 02:38:37

YADNBU, it's entirely your choice OP, I am an only and my Mum also had this and used to say "I got perfection the 1st time"!! grin. I really loved being an only child and also plan to adopt just on child. One is the ideal number for me too, one DS-like you! smile

PosyNarker Fri 20-Sep-13 22:35:54

I hate the stereotype of 'lonely only'. I am very self-sufficient and not overly social admittedly, but very close to my parents, but I don't miss having a sibling even though I know my parents planned more than one, it just didn't happen. DP is also an only and he is very social, more detached from parents (still close but once a week call, not multiple) but also very self sufficient. He doesn't miss non-existent siblings either.

The only possible reasons I could think of having a sibling for myself are selfish & to having seen the dynamic between my parents and their siblings, there's no guarantee that siblings will be close, even if close in age.

ChrisTheSheep Fri 20-Sep-13 22:34:33

I know how you feel, OP: I had a similar situation with DS1 (PDN, anxiety, intrusive thoughts of suicide - not good). When friends were having their second babies, I remember having those feelings: terror and horror at the thought of voluntarily putting yourself through that again.

The difference in my situation was that I knew I wanted to have two, in the end. I'm now pregnant with DC2, but to be honest it isn't easy. I spend a lot of time feeling sick at the thought of the next two years, and, really, the only way I convinced myself to do in the first place it was to think of prospective DC at 2.5 years old, and how it would all be better by that point. I have been having some bad times, though, and I honestly wouldn't have considered doing this without actually wanting to. Don't let other people push you into a decision like this: they aren't the ones who are going to have to live with it!

FWIW, I'm an only, and I never, ever resented my parents for not "giving" me a sibling. Barring the perinatal MH issues, I'm really pretty normal, too smile

Silverdaisy Fri 20-Sep-13 22:21:26

EST, that is so similar to what I was wanting to say. My parent passed away recently and now my other parent is very unwell, I am in my early 30's and am thinking a sibling would have been of help!

Nobody knows what is ahead of them though, and i have been a very happy person with good friends.

I also believe if your circumstances only fits one child then that is your answer.

SunshineMMum Fri 20-Sep-13 22:19:48

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EST0106 Fri 20-Sep-13 22:03:38

Of course it's your choice. I'm an only child and never felt lonely growing up, but 2.5 years ago my mum died a few weeks before I was due to have my dd, I felt incredibly alone, and in my head having a sibling to share what I was going through would have helped me massively. At the same time by BIL died very suddenly and what helped my MIL get through this and keep going was her other children. I don't know that these are good reasons to have another baby but they definitely impacted on my decision and I'm currently pregnant with DC 2. I hope this doesn't make you feel worse, that is not my intention, I guess I'm just saying look to the future as well as the now. X

Silverdaisy Fri 20-Sep-13 22:00:29

Having only one child is your decision, and quite normal these days. I really don't know what my choice in life will be (if I have a choice).

However I am an only child and really wish I had had a sibling. I fully understand how many people have no relationship with their siblings, but i still would have liked that option.

I do not say this to guilt people about having 1 child, this is just my opinion.

CaptainCapybara Fri 20-Sep-13 21:57:15

I have one 2 year old DD and don't plan on having more. I adore her, she is fantastic (has her not so great moments like all toddlers of course) and I feel content with what I have. I loved having a small baby to snuggle and sometimes think it would be nice to do it again but then I remember that it won't be the same the second time around with having an older child to have to organise and take places and I don't think I could face doing it in that newborn sleep deprived refluxy haze. It makes sense financially and space wise in our house to stick with one and I feel fulfilled as a parent with one DC.

CuppaTeaForTheBigFella Fri 20-Sep-13 21:49:27

I only ever wanted one too. I did wonder if that would change once she went off to preschool, but it didn't. I have absolutely loved being a Mum to her, but the older she gets the more I enjoy it, and I don't want to start again with another baby if that makes sense?
The decision is out of our hands now anyway as DH has had the snip. Neither of us regret that decision at all smile

PresidentServalan Fri 20-Sep-13 21:45:10

And OP you are NOT selfish! Some people have several children, some don't. It's not selfish to have one child that you love and cherish at all!

PresidentServalan Fri 20-Sep-13 21:42:34

I'm an only and I wouldn't want it any other way! Am shock that people ask about having another to anyone though - that is unbelievably rude!! What about those people who can't for whatever reason? As PPs have said, smile and distract them!

iseenodust Fri 20-Sep-13 21:41:11

Another like Spinkle. Our choice to stop at one. Too old for a late second one now and comfortable with it. DS has cousins and a dog!

DancingLady Fri 20-Sep-13 21:35:11

You're not being selfish and he won't hate you.

Surely having a second child is also a selfish move? After all, people who have 2/3/4 etc DCs do it because they want to, right?

Totally understand you not wanting to go through pregnancy and birth again. And the exhaustion is not to be underestimated either.

Teapigging Fri 20-Sep-13 21:29:04

I have one child and am not planning to have more. I had a lovely pregnancy, and a straightforward c section, no PND. I'm not sensitive about it in the least, and have no problem with a jokey or straight response, but honestly, recently the stream of comments and questions is wearing me down.

One neighbour mentions my 'lonely only' (her phrase) every time I see her, literally. 'Oh, of course he's at ease around adults, being an ONLY CHILD'. 'Its good he's so sociable, when he HAS NO BROTHERS AND SISTERS.' She puts on this 'Im trying to understand your weird, unnatural decision' face, too. Grr.

teacher123 Fri 20-Sep-13 21:13:18

I found the total lack of control you have over your own life and the sleep deprivation just horrendous when DS was a newborn and I think underlying anxiety morphed into more serious problems as I was so tired and overwhelmed. I also had an awful labour and was very ill both before and after he was born. However I'm not scared of the physical side, I know I could do it again, I just feel very strongly that I don't WANT to. My underlying fear is that I'm selfish for not wanting a sibling for DS and he'll hate me forever.

junkfoodaddict Fri 20-Sep-13 21:03:15

I have had anxiety and PND diagnosed but I don't think it's that, I just don't want to. Are you absolutely sure it isn't that?

I only ask because if it wasn't because of the anxiety and PND being a reason for only wanting one, why mention it in your post? I don't mean this in an offensive way so please forgive me.

Tonight, I went to the GP to discuss my fears about a second pregnancy. My DH was adamant that he only wanted one child whereas I have always made it clear that I wanted two children. Only two weeks ago my DH finally opened up and said that the birth of our DS who is now nearly 21 months completely traumatised him (failing placenta, baby not growing, low fluid, rare reaction to indcution resulted in violent contractions, baby in distress, placenta abruption, massive loss of blood for me, uterine tear, baby having suspected infection, severe jaundice!) and has admitted that he would like a second.

When I went to the GP, I asked a question about my fears over rhesus negative and second baby being positive because it was 5 days before I received the anti D again. I mentioned my birth difficulties and the GP asked if it was just the anti D that was worrying me because of me mentioning the other stuff. I paused and thought about it and he was right to question me because deep down the birth trauma was worrying me immensely - I simply do not want a natural birth because of the fears that it could happen again.

My GP was superb and reasurred me a great deal.

I suppose what I am saying is if you REALLY want only one child then that is your decision and nobody elses but you may need to think about why you posted your AIBU post and why you mentioned the anxiety and PND because from the perspective I am seeing this from, this has a greater bearing on your decision than maybe you realise and further down the line you may regret your decision.

It's only been 17 months since you had your little boy so relax, enjoy him growing up and readdress the situation if the need arises later on. As for everyone else, be honest and say that you are happy with the one child you have and that you have no plans to extend the family - you are certainly being honest with that sort of reply.

catgirl1976 Fri 20-Sep-13 21:02:35

I feel exactly the same as you OP

I just want the one I have. I adore him and I can't imagine loving anyone else as much

I had a difficult labour and DH doesn't want me to go through that again so he feels the same

I do get the guilts sometimes about it being fair to DS but I think he will be fine

lottieandmia Fri 20-Sep-13 20:58:19

People always have something to say about children though. Some people seem to have an expectation that you will have 2 children, a boy and a girl of course. I have 3 girls and people say to me 'don't you want a son?' as if I can choose!

AidanTheRevengeNinja Fri 20-Sep-13 20:50:04

YANBU at all, we'll likely just have one.

Don't pay too much attention to comments, it's just a Thing To Say. Like when are you getting a boyfriend, when are you getting married, when are you having a baby, etc. Most people don't actually care. I just smile and say we're happy with one but we'll see, and change the subject.

sweetkitty Fri 20-Sep-13 20:48:23

If you want I've stick at one and did what everyone else says.

I have quite a few friends with one, some through choice some not, I think it's rude to comment on the size of someone's family, one of my friends has had several mcs and has given up having no2 still upsets her people going on about lonely children hmm

Do what feels right for you

teacher123 Fri 20-Sep-13 20:47:47

morris no offence taken at all, I am glad I'm not the only one who hated all that baby stuff!

teacher123 Fri 20-Sep-13 20:46:14

It's funny, I watch friends of mine who have harder babies, harder work/life balances/less family support/less supportive husbands or whatever and they all seem to cope marvellously and then add in a second baby less than two years after the first and I'm left speechless at the very thought...!

PicardyThird Fri 20-Sep-13 20:45:36

You don't have to have, or want, another baby. If you are certain you don't want another, that's great smile

I always knew I wanted children plural; when I'd had dc2 I knew I wanted three but also knew I wanted to, and could afford age-wise to, leave it a few years. Sadly recurrent mc has reared its ugly head, so I may not get that 3rd. Doesn't stop me wanting, despite all the head-based reasons why two is just perfect. I honestly think gut feeling (for want of a better phrase) is a reliable guide in these things. Enjoy your ds. Whether or not he has a sibling is nobody else's business.

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