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to leave because I'm a stepmum?

(195 Posts)
Flower111 Fri 20-Sep-13 14:10:58

I know I will probably get flamed for this, but I hate being a stepmum. Would I be unreasonable to end my relationship because of my stepdaughter's existence?

I have been with her dad for almost 4 years now and we have a child together. I feel like our child is the only reason I have stayed so long, just so that he doesn't come from a broken family as well.

But I want to get away from my stepdaughter and the rest of my partner's family. I can't stand her or my in laws. I've had enough of pretending that I like any of them and keeping a straight face.

Flower111 Fri 20-Sep-13 14:24:51


Met my partner when I was 21 and it was fine at the beginning. I would have done anything for my stepdaughter and we got on so well. Relationship was brilliant. Ever since our son was born I changed. It hasn't been easy.

I have felt trapped and pressurised to look after my
stepdaughter when I had just had my baby, and I began to resent her. My in laws have always poisonous, saying that she needs my love as a second mother and needs overcompensating for because her mum and dad split up.

So now everything about her and them just fills me with dread. All I wanted was to be a mother to my son, and they got her to call me mummy. Her mum has her half the week as do we (or shall I say I as my partner works a lot?) and I'm sick of it.

Loa Fri 20-Sep-13 14:24:58

Depends why - is her behavior bad and being so from encouraged by ex or DH wider family ?

Cause if it's her mere existence - she is his DD and will always be so and you knew before relationship -In that case YABU and leaving is probably best.

Are there other problems in the marriage, are you not getting DH support?

Do you have to see the IL or could that be avoided by DH seeing them by themselves. Could that also be a short term option with the step-DD that your DH see her by himself or with your DC accompanying him ?

Lasvegas Fri 20-Sep-13 14:25:31

OP thinking about your child here, wouldn't it be better to stay in a hotel sometimes when step child visits, rather than leaving the marriage all together?

So really, it isn't her you don't like, just the way others have dealt with it?? Sounds like your bigger issue is with the inlaws.

How old is she? What is your relationship with your partner like?

wonderingsoul Fri 20-Sep-13 14:28:16

las vegas.. no.. how do you feel that would make the sd feel..

and it wont be good for the op, how old is your child? it sounds and forgive me if im wrong that things where fine before the birt of your child? could you be feeling over whlmed by all of it?

iloveshortshorts Fri 20-Sep-13 14:28:26

how old is your step daughter?

Loa Fri 20-Sep-13 14:28:59

X-posts but sound like you need to talk to your DH about access and him being around for his DD visits and this may lead to a discussion with her mother about visits amounts for a bit.

Ignore the IL - and find ways to minimized contact and don't give in to their emotional blackmail.

You also need to work on not blaming a DC for your feelings of resentment, its not the DC fault,- but work out a situation that you are happier with.

KoalaFace Fri 20-Sep-13 14:29:24

You seem completely overwhelmed, have your emotions felt outside of your control since having your DS?

Dobbiesmum Fri 20-Sep-13 14:31:04

Sounds like you have overbearing in laws who pushed things along at a pace that made you feel uncomfortable. Did you say anything to your DH and did he back you up?

caramelwaffle Fri 20-Sep-13 14:31:19

In that case, the problem is most definitely your husband and in-laws; but it seems that is because you feel you have been bullied or emotionally blackmailed into doing more than should be expected of you.

Perhaps a course in Assertiveness training, or sole counselling would help you at this moment in time.

Flower111 Fri 20-Sep-13 14:31:27

I love my partner but I know that he loves me more than I love him. I love him but I'm not "in love" with him.

livinginwonderland Fri 20-Sep-13 14:31:49

Lasvegas that's awful! How unwanted would you feel as a child if your stepmum buggered off to a hotel because she didn't want to be around you?!

OP, you need to think about whether you want to be in a relationship with step-children. My DP has a 4 year old DD previous relationship and yes, it's hard to know his ex will always be in our life somewhat (although their contact is very minimal). Are you prepared to put with this for the rest of your life, bearing in mind that if you and DH split up, your step-daughter won't be your responsibility anymore, although she should absolutely still have a relationship with your son.

Ok, again, how old is your SD.

I take it your partner has no idea how you feel about his daughter.

caramelwaffle Fri 20-Sep-13 14:32:41

X post with everyone.

and I agree with Living - the hotel idea is just dreadful, don't even contemplate that!

Loa Fri 20-Sep-13 14:34:33

The DC ages might also be a factor in how your are feeling - how young is your baby and how old Step-DD?

As DC have gotten older I've found having more DC round easier as each DC is a bit more independent.

DuelingFanjo Fri 20-Sep-13 14:35:18

is this more about how you feel like your own child is not getting the same attention and about how you are getting left with too much of the childcare?

Could you change that by insisting your DP does more?

catinboots Fri 20-Sep-13 14:35:47

No - I think you should do it now rather than later.

When I met DH I told him I wasn't prepared to continue a relationship with him if he remained in contact with his ex-SDD.

She was only a year younger than me and a poisonous, vicious piece of work. It wasn't an ultimatum as such - but just me telling him that I wasn't prepared to have someone like that in my life.

Flower111 Fri 20-Sep-13 14:36:56

My step daughter is 9. My son is nearly 1. I definitely think my feelings changed after my son was born. I am completely withdrawn from everyone.

VanitasVanitatum Fri 20-Sep-13 14:37:21

You're not in love with your partner and your hatred to your DSD sounds like it has actually nothing to do with her as a person, but because you don't want her around 'getting in the way' of your time with your son. It sounds like a negative situation for all of you, and maybe best for you to take some time out from the relationship and living as a family, to evaluate clearly.

FatPenguin Fri 20-Sep-13 14:37:25

Sounds like you feel taken for granted Her mum has her half the week as do we (or shall I say I as my partner works a lot?) and I'm sick of it.

saying that she needs my love as a second mother and needs overcompensating for because her mum and dad split up do you feel that your in laws prioritise SD over your DC?

You'd probably be better off posting this on step parenting board.

QueenofallIsee Fri 20-Sep-13 14:37:58

You don't love your husband, you dislike his family and clearly feel very trapped. I think if that is the case you can only leave. I am not sure how old your baby is, is it possible that you have touch of depression and this is how it is manifesting? As you say you got on OK before the baby came

caramelwaffle Fri 20-Sep-13 14:39:33

It may be a good idea to speak with your GP.

You could get some ideas from them about other people to talk to.

Flower111 Fri 20-Sep-13 14:39:43

do you feel that your in laws prioritise SD over your DC?

Yes, absolutely.

Thumbwitch Fri 20-Sep-13 14:40:03

Setting aside the problems with you having to look after your SDD, do you actually like her? Is it the situation that you hate, or is it actually her existence that you resent?
Because the situation can be made better; but you can't change how you feel about her at the moment and she doesn't need you to hate her or resent her existence, so maybe you would be better off out of it.

Also, and I'm not making excuses for you, have you been checked for PND? Saying you've withdrawn from everyone suggests you might have it...

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