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To be really shaken up by this driver

(93 Posts)
filee777 Fri 20-Sep-13 10:21:57

Who cut me up on a roundabout and then insulted me and my weight and my looks and called me a bitch and a slag?

It's really hurt me. Mostly, probably because all of it rang true.

filee777 Sat 21-Sep-13 20:34:20

Thank you smile

I think that's exactly what I am going to do, just see what happens at college and focus on my studies.

fluffyraggies Sat 21-Sep-13 19:50:04

(hugs) for Monday fillee. And congrats for the start of a new chapter smile

I would bet that just about everyone has, at some point in their life, had something horrid said or done to them, at least once. Maybe it bought them down. Maybe they got very angry. Maybe they stayed away from that person from then on. But the difference between them and you, OP, is that they have been able to shrug it off eventually because they had other folk to help them do that.

It sounds like you have been beaten down and squashed for years without any support to help you float back up sad No one should be telling anyone they're ugly FFS angry

Rather than finding ways to justify their comments, you have to find a way to rise up now, and say that is an unacceptable way to behave towards another human being and that you deserve better.

Beauty isn't everything anyway OP. It's cheesy, but it's true. Beauty comes in lots of forms. I think you sound like a wonderful and caring, compassionate and thoughtful person. I think you'd make a lovely friend. There's beauty in that. If i was a man those feelings may become romantic, and i'd be saying you're beautiful. And i'd be right. Because there's no blue-print for what's beautiful.

As for your DH ... i wouldn't be right to say LTB here. We don't know him. It sounds as if the comments which hurt you was a while ago? Sorry if i'm wrong. But don't be accepting of any more of that sort of shite if it comes up again. Flush the gratitude down the pan as well. You've bourne him children. HE should be grateful for that! Chin up now!

At this point, with allot on your plate i would say concentrate on your new start, and try somewhere different for counceling if you can. Don't start under a cloud.

pigletmania Sat 21-Sep-13 19:23:53

Oh filee, he is not exactly reassuring by saying those things. Why don't you sit own and talk to him about those things

filee777 Sat 21-Sep-13 18:41:52

I suppose the question is whether I can be happy with my partner and right now I just don't know. He makes me feel like not bothering in a way which is a shame but easy.

pigletmania Sat 21-Sep-13 15:50:11

I totally agree smite, you bring up some very good points

pigletmania Sat 21-Sep-13 15:49:21

Filee start by going to counselling at university, and look for local counselling organisations. MIND is a big mental health organisation.

SmiteYouWithThunderbolts Sat 21-Sep-13 15:08:46

Oh filee you are breaking my heart with this thread! Firstly, beauty exists in the eye of the beholder and there is someone out there for everyone who will think them the most beautiful creature on the planet - and yes, I mean the people who aren't "traditionally beautiful" too.

Secondly, you should not feel grateful to your husband for "loving" you in spite of your looks. He should be enchanted by you; should be kind to you. He should NOT laugh at you or tell you you're ugly. Never, ever, ever.

Thirdly, there is so much more to being attractive than having a symmetrical and well-proportioned face. Yes someone can be very superficially pretty, but if they're ugly on the inside, that makes them instantly less desirable. Likewise, someone who has a bulbous nose, little eyes, wonky teeth and a double chin (which is what I see in my mirror!) but is kind and good to be around is infinitely more attractive. Please don't dismiss your appeal because of concerns about what you look like.

filee777 Sat 21-Sep-13 15:05:04

I tried going for counselling, the receptionist gave me the wrong time and then got angry with me when I produced the letter they had given me. They were still trying to say it was my fault with the bloody proof in front of them. It made me really anxious and I have so so much to do right now.

It wasn't meant to be.

RhondaJean Sat 21-Sep-13 15:03:13

See there's lying and there's remembering something the way you want to remember it Filee. I wouldn't take everything he is telling you as 100 per cent they way things actually were.

pigletmania Sat 21-Sep-13 15:00:04

No no filee you were very very unlucky sweetie. I hope tat it is a new chapter on Monday, please please go to your GP for counselling. As a teen I had low self wrth and suicidal tendencies. I did go for counselling which helped so much. Cutting your toxic family out is a step forward, ad letting go of the past. The more self esteem you have and the more confidence, you will not be around people who make you feel shit. Those awful people in your past saw how down you were, and how lw you were and fed off it like leeches. By going to counselling I saw felt more confident, my self wrth went up and positive things started to happen. Which I hope it des to you. Your dh sounds like a good man but tactless, you need te confidence to deal with him, as a result I think it will reduce, once he sees tat he just cannot say such nasty things!

filee777 Sat 21-Sep-13 14:57:58

Just my husband. Before we were married. It definitely happened he wouldn't have lied.

He's a bit naive and stupid in that respect but he's not cruel to make something like that up.

He's just not very versed in the ways of love.

EBearhug Sat 21-Sep-13 14:57:24

But surely if I was attractive, then I would have been around people who told me that?

In my experience, if people do tell you you're attractive, you discount it, because you think they have either missed what everyone else sees, or they're after something, or they're just lying to cheer you up. So you don't remember it, even though it may actually have been that they were telling the truth. (It was my mother who told me no one would ever want me. Turns out to be true... except that I am very good at pushing people away and thinking all the above, rather than just trusting and believing that they're actually just complimenting me because that's just what people do sometimes.)

RhondaJean Sat 21-Sep-13 14:48:33

Can I just ask who told you they were laughing at you?

Anyone except your DP - who has a vested interest in making sure you don't think any of the others could ever be interested in you?

filee777 Sat 21-Sep-13 14:43:27

But surely if I was attractive, then I would have been around people who told me that? Surely when I was at my slimmest and prettiest I wouldn't have had a gang of blokes laughing at me? Surely?

pigletmania Sat 21-Sep-13 14:36:45

Oh my goodness filee, you have been through so much. You don't know filee. You have constantly been around people who have made you feel ugly and worthless. I am not a traditional beauty, think huge nose and funny looks, but my dh tells me I am beautiful ad as not made me doubt it

filee777 Sat 21-Sep-13 14:32:59

I can see that, but I've never been anyone's idea of beauty and I'm certainly not now I am larger as well.

Anyway a new chapter in my life starts on Monday so I'm going to focus on that. It's also the anniversary of my daughters death. She was 24 weeks when I delivered her.

pigletmania Sat 21-Sep-13 13:02:55

Yes what is beauty, everyone's idea of beauty is different.

pigletmania Sat 21-Sep-13 12:59:39

My goodness filee please have a big hugs from me wine and flowers. This self fulfilling profacy as you have been surrounded by crap people all your life who hav told you this. That is great that you have cut out your toxic family. Your dh is tactless and ext time he says something, pull him up on it! That driver is a fecking Idiot and you should try to consign him to te rubbish where he belongs. This s art of the reason why I don want to continue learning to drive, because of tools like that on te road.

It is good your going for counselling, fr me it helped my sef confidence no end. Also those 'beautiful' Hollywood women you see on tv don't look so beautiful without their make up artists.

filee777 Sat 21-Sep-13 12:17:00

I have tried to seek support and am on anti depressants, I've also cut out my family including my mother who made it quite clear last time I spoke to her that she doesn't believe I suffered abuse because she doesn't seem how emotional torment can be construed as abuse.

I am just about to start university and I don't think I can handle doing anything else right now, there is an onsite counsellor I can go and see so I will do that.

edam Sat 21-Sep-13 12:07:03

Please go and seek some counselling for your low self-esteem. Pretty please with cherries on top. You have a set of beliefs about yourself which are not accurate. Your self-judgement has been set by some pretty nasty people - the stately home ref. makes me think your family were crap, so you have (wrongly) believed bad stuff about yourself your whole life.

Please do go and get some help to get your thermostat set back to normal. It will take some work but it will help and you will start to realise you are normal and you don't have to be slavishly grateful to anyone for giving you the time of day.

ZillionChocolate Sat 21-Sep-13 11:01:33

I disagree that you would never have found another man. You don't know.

I don't know how your face is arranged, but I do know that you sound like a good person. That is attractive. Your lack of self esteem is worrying though.

Hissy Sat 21-Sep-13 10:58:59

I'm on my own too. Don't particularly want to be, but don't particularly want to do anything about it either.

I would rather be alone for the rest of eternity than be with someone who thinks I out to be grateful to be with them.

I finished with my bf of a year when he told me he didn't see a future together, but was happy to carry on because it suited him.

I literally was the best woman he's ever been with, wife included and he if he couldn't see that, then I'm wasting my time and his.

ElleMcFearsome Sat 21-Sep-13 10:57:51

Please go and talk to someone about raising your self esteem. I had a partner who dumped me for a tiny blond 'pocket venus because she was the kind of woman I needed to be seen with' (direct quote. It was 11 years ago and I can still remember it word for word.

I still have no full length mirrors in my house, but I now know that he's the cunt, not me. It took proper therapy to sort it. Please, for the sake of yourself and your children, try to access some help with this. thanks

Hissy Sat 21-Sep-13 10:51:46

Filee, love, I people watch. As many do.

People come in all shapes and sizes, all kinds of beautiful. There are some less than photogenic peeps around who still have genuine, balanced and loving partners.

Your self esteem was wrecked, iirc, way before you started dating, iirc, you're a stately homer too aren't you?

You may think that you're not beautiful, but we can all see differently, by reading your words. Please get away from those that tell you to be grateful for them putting up with you! Stand your full height and tell them to FTFO and make space in your life to find out who you really are, and see the beautiful person you are.

That bloke in thé car was a twat, you don't need to give another second to him.

Think about it. We tell each other all the time here thatif a man treats waiting staff like shit, or is agressive and road ragey, that they are dumpworthy, and that we need to run a mile from them.

He's the ugly one love. Ugly to the core.

SelectAUserName Sat 21-Sep-13 10:46:14

Oh sweetheart, that's just so wrong. Listen to fluffy and please, please seek help to combat your low self-esteem. You should be with someone who treats you like the special, lovely person you are.

I'm not a physically attractive woman by society's standards but my DH treats me like I'm every beautiful film star rolled into one, and regularly calls me "gorgeous". That's what should happen in a loving relationship.

It sounds to me like your 'D'H has his own self-interest at heart, and plays on your vulnerabilities because he fears ending up alone, as he no doubt would if you were able to appreciate that you're worth more than this, that there are lovely people out there who can see past society's norms of physical appearance and that actually, having no relationship is better than one based on one person manipulating the other to think no one else will ever find them attractive so they had better stay where they are.


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