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To think my daughter sticks out like sore thumb as do I?

(114 Posts)
Bellybadge Fri 20-Sep-13 00:15:39

DD just started school, she is the only Asian child in her class and in the whole of reception I have only seen one other Asian child. She is a very chatty, outgoing little girl.

I am worried about her making friends because although she always tries to chat to the other children they very rarely acknowledge her, all the children in her class seem to know each other as do their mums. I see groups of children from her class playing together or running up to their friends at home time, she calls out to some of them or points them out me and waves at them, but again they ignore her.

I have tried being friendly with other mums during pick up and drop off, nothing over eager but friendly hello's and small talk but mostly they tend to ignore me too (very politely). Sometimes I have been blanked outright even though the other mum saw me smile or obviously heard me say hello or good morning. I don't know if it's because I'm Asian or because I'm not head to toe in Boden, pushing a phil and teds and rocking my large scarf and large satchel ( it's almost as if the parents are wearing a uniform too)

The school is a lot less diverse than I first thought, very white middle class, we wanted to send our child to a good school but I am now not sure we made the right decision and worry that I've just set up the next few years of her being friendless.

She hasn't said anything to me outright but I'm just worried for her. She had lots of friends at her private nursery but then her nursery was very diverse and had kids from many different backgrounds. Please feel free to tell me I'm being a prize berk and totally u.

WorraLiberty Fri 20-Sep-13 00:18:15

Blimey, if she's only just started, I think you need to slow it down a pace.

Kids take time to make friends and so do adults.

Give it a while longer and don't get stressed about it. I'm sure it'll happen eventually.

Valdeeves Fri 20-Sep-13 00:21:16

Are you projecting do you think? I bet she doesn't spend her day at school sitting alone in class. I know what it is to project about feeling the odd one out that's why I'm suggesting it. Have a think.
I wonder do you live near me? I bet you do! Lots of Boden here x

YoureBeingADick Fri 20-Sep-13 00:23:14

totally agree with WL

it takes time for them to settle into school and form relationships. they are all still getting to know each other and will take time for them all to get round each other to know who each other is. my ds has been in nursery for a year and a half already with his now year 1 class mates and still doesn't know all their names.

relax and please don't pass on this worry to your DD.

wrt the other parents, just keep smiling and saying hello, you'll get responses from some and not from others, that's just how it is. be yourself and don't expect friendships to form suddenly. my best friends were all slow burner friendships.

WorraLiberty Fri 20-Sep-13 00:24:10

I don't see what clothing labels have to do with anything?

If you're sneery about their clothes and choices of prams, perhaps it's more to do with being a little arrogant than Asian?

Just a thought because obviously I can only go on what you've said here.

Twinkleandbunty Fri 20-Sep-13 00:24:46

There were only 2 kids from different ethnic backgrounds at my school back in the day, but everyone wanted to befriend them because they were a bit cool and different!

olgaga Fri 20-Sep-13 00:25:14

Poor you, it's awful isn't it! I can only reassure you that I felt like that when we moved here and started a new school and I'm white British!

I can only suggest you give it time. You and your DD both sound friendly and confident. I'm sure it'll settle down.

There's always a bit of 'shuffling' both in class and at the school gate, it'll work out.

FreudiansSlipper Fri 20-Sep-13 00:27:26

Oh dear op you may have to invest in some boden outfits shock poor you

maybe they just do not know you yet. A lot of the mums (who sound very similar) knew each other before as older siblings are in the school

give it a few more weeks and get you dd to invite a friend around to play and keep saying hello. I did they could not get rid of me smile now I think they like me

Bellybadge Fri 20-Sep-13 00:27:31

@valdeeves maybe I am, I am not sure. I know it's very early days and I'm very careful not to 'project' any of my feelings on to her. We talk about school in terms of what she did during the day, what she enjoyed the most etc, very general, no deep probing questions.

I have no idea if we live in the same area, but if you spot me, come say hello, I will be the one with the non trendy stroller, damp no time to dry properly hair and might be standing all on my own ;)

partyondude Fri 20-Sep-13 00:27:41

Worra is right. Its only been a couple of weeks. Maybe ask her if there's someone she'd like to have over for tea one night and get to know some folk away from school.
dd has just started school but was in nursery and preschool last year. I think all but about 2 kids were in one or the other and as a result the kids all know each other as do many of the parents. If you're new to the school it probably looks really cliquey but it isn't really. Its just nice to hang out with people you know and like.

sleepdodger Fri 20-Sep-13 00:27:52

Same as twinkly and bunny!

NoComet Fri 20-Sep-13 00:29:01

Honestly, your DD will be fine, DDs DF and her sibling are the only non white DCs in the whole school. They came not speaking English. The children took them under their wing and they soon made friends.

Unfortunately her mum doesn't speak much English at all and doesn't drive, and they come on the bus. Therefore I've not had chance to make friends with her. She came to DDs party, but organising other play dates as proved awkward.

Whether you find the mum's easy to make friends with is a separate matter. I'm white MC and I find them as cliquey as hell. Doesn't stop DD2 making lots of friends.

whatastar Fri 20-Sep-13 00:29:20

think worral has said everything i was going to say .

MrsMinkBernardLundy Fri 20-Sep-13 00:31:41

I felt like that too. about the mum and the dcs because my kids were the only ones not from the school nursery. but if she is chatty she will be fine. and once the other mums settle their kids they will probably be more relaxed.

there are usually whole class birthday parties in early years and they are a good opportunity to chat with parents. i found out that most of them at my dcs school are really friendly.

YoureBeingADick Fri 20-Sep-13 00:31:46

out of interest- how do people know what is boden and what isn't? confused

Bellybadge Fri 20-Sep-13 00:32:05

@worra I wasn't sneering at their clothing choices, but commenting how almost all of them are wearing pretty much the same thing or slight variations of the same thing- to the point where it looks like the parents are in a uniform too. Where was I sneery in my op? also don't think I was being arrogant either (the exact opposite actually)

Lovecat Fri 20-Sep-13 00:34:55

DD is one of only 2 white children in her year (yr 4) and has been since she started there. It reflects the make up of the area we live in (East London/Essex borders). She has loads of friends in her class. The only time the not-being-Black/Asian impacts on her is when she gets invited to parties at other children's homes and she can't eat the food provided (supersensitive to spicy food - she thinks salt & vinegar crisps are 'spicy' so you can imagine how curry/jerk chicken/thai etc goes down!).

Kids of reception age tend to blank just about everybody if their attention is engaged elsewhere...

The main "disadvantage" to DD is that because there are only about 4 white children in the whole school, she is 'visible' - everyone knows who she is (and me too - I am greeted by a chorus of 'Hello DD's mum!' whenever I set foot in the playground), so she can't get away with anything - which is fine by me!

I'm friendly with pretty much all the parents in her class (it's a small class) but was blanked a bit to begin with, probably because we didn't really know each other. I too thought it was because I was 'other', and I won't lie to you, I was worried that DD would not make friends. My paranoia was just that, however. Wait until party season gets underway, at that age it's a great opportunity to get to know other parents smile

ToffeeCaramel Fri 20-Sep-13 00:36:03

Aww. Sorry you are feeling like that. Could you ask your dd if she'd like to invite a friend back for tea? You might get to know the mum a bit if she stays or asks what time to pick up and you offer a cuppa before they go home. I remember feeling quite excluded when my eldest was in reception,
but it was because they knew each other rather than because of race. I soon got to know people so I hope you do too.

FreudiansSlipper Fri 20-Sep-13 00:37:25

I do not think you are being sneery. Soundss like ds school. The vast majority of the mothers at ds school wear boden it is like a uniform and it is a very white middle class school though ds year i am glad is more diverse

How can you tell well the a line shape, bright colours boden just has a certian look about it

Bellybadge Fri 20-Sep-13 00:38:53

Thanks lovecat that is very reassuring. I just want her to settle in and make friends, the area we live in is generally very non Asian but I guess due to ds's nursery friends I just never noticed it as much.

Bellybadge Fri 20-Sep-13 00:42:35

I may not wear a lot Boden or Joules or whatever but you can't miss it wear we live, ditto the phil and teds, nothing against either btw it's just very prevalent where we live.

missingmumxox Fri 20-Sep-13 00:42:53

I have only after 3 years today got another mum ask me for my email address today, I have only done 1 party for my children and they have been invited to parties, but I can't be bothered to make friends with the other Mums at the gate, I think I give off that vibe, the Mum who asked me today is actually one of only 2 in my 3 years of this who I actually over slow beginnings I think I could become friends with, she quite, timid, but a real rock of a person, very strong when she has to be, coping with her autistic son, who is a good friend of my 2, I think I am very British I don't like to force friendships, I like them to form and then one day years down the line you realise what a good friend you have and how I am prepared to put myself out for friends, i only have a few friends but they are all solid people in their way, and I hope I am to them.

Bellybadge Fri 20-Sep-13 00:49:36

I have thought about inviting a child over for tea but I thought I would give it a few weeks before I ask anyone, see who Dd is friends with, get to know the other child's mum so they feel comfortable enough.

WorraLiberty Fri 20-Sep-13 00:51:21

I think if you're totally honest about your OP, you are sneering a bit about their choices of clothing and prams.

But your subsequent posts make you sound as if you feel a bit inferior?

Honestly, just put what their wearing/pushing out of your mind (as I'm sure it's out of theirs) and just be yourself.

Take it slowly and I'm sure you'll have plenty of people to pass the time with while dropping off/picking up.

As for your DD and the other kids...they're all new to school and if the other kids and their parents know each other, it's natural to 'cling' to what/who you know.

Once they're used to it, they'll all be branching out more and making newer friends.

reallyslummymummy Fri 20-Sep-13 01:09:33

bellybridge - we were in similar situation with DS1 when he started nursery. It was very mixed and seemed everyone knew everyone else except for me. That is exactly what it is though - they did all know each other. Friendships worth making take time to develop. And lastly if you don't have play dates with everyone your child will have a realistic view of relationships.

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