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AIBU to not want BIL looking after DD

(126 Posts)
sewingsue Thu 19-Sep-13 21:23:30

BIL lives abroad and visits for 2 weeks every year. This visit he says he wants to take DD, age 2, out for the day by himself. I've said no as DD doesn't know him and he doesn't know her.

DH is cross that I'm making things difficult for him with his brother as BIL is asking why we don't trust him. To me it's not about BIL, it's about DD.

Am I being overly protective?

karatekimmi Thu 19-Sep-13 21:41:17

I would be asking why DOES he need tobtake her out by herself for the the day? Surely a family day out with the option of you and DH sloping off for a bit if its all going well is a better option.

fWIW I wouldn't be happy taking a 2 yer old I didn't know out for the day!! Does he have kids?

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie Thu 19-Sep-13 21:45:17

YANBU. My SIL wanted to take my DDs on a day trip with a 50 mile there and the same back journey! I said no way...she was hmm but just does not know them owing to living abroad....not happening!

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie Thu 19-Sep-13 21:45:52

They don't NEED to "slope off" for a bit. No point.

TalkativeJim Thu 19-Sep-13 21:46:31

Um, and why is your DH also acting like a man who's never had more than a passing brush with a 2 year old in his life?! Annoyed because you're making it 'difficult' for him with his brother? How about you get annoyed that he clearly sees no problem in packing his TODDLER daughter off for the day with a complete stranger?! - because that's what he is, uncle or not!

How very strange. And why on earth has this 'discussion all around why you won't let him take DD by himself' lasted for longer than two sentences?

'Because she's two, and would therefore, because she doesn't know you, get extremely upset at being with you alone for longer than a very short time. She'd find it extremely stressful and therefore so would you, and I can't think of a worse introduction to you for her. However, if we all went together, she could get to know you on her own turf and you get to know how to look after her: food, toileting etc.'

What is there to argue from that?!

ThisIsBULLSHIT Thu 19-Sep-13 21:47:44

havant I think it's the insistence, and the questioning as to why he can't, rather than just understanding that the child is 2 and doesn't know him.
Just feels odd.

ThisIsBULLSHIT Thu 19-Sep-13 21:48:56

Exactly jim.

5Foot5 Thu 19-Sep-13 21:48:58

Bumblechum is right, he hasn't thought through the practicalities. What will he do when she needs the loo? Does he know anything about her likes and dislikes? What to feed her. Is he used to small children at all?

I am surprised your DH can't see the potential problems with this - unless that is your DH is not much used to being in sole charge himself.

It has nothing to do with being over-protective or suspected weirdness or anything. It is just common sense.

Frankly before I became a parent I would have been very nervous of taking someone else's toddler for such a long time.

Jux Thu 19-Sep-13 21:52:46

YANBU. Not when she's only 2. He won't have the faintest idea what he's doing, for one thing. He's underestimating the task.

FleurEtParoles Thu 19-Sep-13 21:53:45

YANBU. He sounds naive and inexperienced. A 2 yo usually might still need a nap or get tired after a couple of hours. What about going to the toilet? What if he looses her in the crowd? Does he understand his responsibility? And you would be sitting at home feeling miserable. For me it would be no, no and no...

McNewPants2013 Thu 19-Sep-13 21:54:09

I don't know why it is strange.

I love taking my nieces/nephews out with out my siblings present. I can spoil and treat them and do my own thing with them.

Ledkr Thu 19-Sep-13 21:54:58

My daughter is. 2 and would be devastated if a stranger took her away from me for the day. It would be fairly traumatic for a child.
How about her nappy changes or toilet runs? IMO people who aren't used to kids can't do stuff like that.

ThisIsBULLSHIT Thu 19-Sep-13 21:55:22

Yes but you probably know them pants, he doesn't know this child really.

MrsGarlic Thu 19-Sep-13 21:57:35

I don't think him asking is strange. I read the posts as saying that he (the uncle) was getting cross at being told no and insisting on taking her out alone, which I think is strange. But on a re-read, is it actually the OP's DH that is arguing about it?

hettienne Thu 19-Sep-13 21:58:45

Sounds like he hasn't thought this through or at least doesn't realise how little a 2 year old is.

He's probably thinking of it as a fun day out to the zoo hanging out, chatting, having fun like you would with a 5 or 6 year old - when actually a day out with a 2 year old is going to involve nappy changes, overtired meltdowns, communication difficulties, tantrums, separation anxiety.

Odd that your DH can't see it though!

namechangesforthehardstuff Thu 19-Sep-13 21:59:48

Another one who doesn't get why your DH doesn't get this?

Anyway your job to protect DD not two grown men who clearly can't think past themselves.

notanyanymore Thu 19-Sep-13 22:04:10

Its all about how you put it, 'I'm sure she'd love it but I'm not sure how you'd survive! Lets do something all together, I can be on hand for the poo and tantrums and you can just enjoy all the nice bits! grin )

SaucyJack Thu 19-Sep-13 22:04:37

YANBU to think she is too young.

Am very disappointed with some of the responses tho. There is nothing "weird" about someone wanting to take their niece out to the zoo in the slightest. Would you be saying that if it was the OP's sister in law instead?

notanyanymore Thu 19-Sep-13 22:05:55

(And to DH, 'but I want them to build a good relationship and him not to be put off by the poo and tantrums!!!)

Thepowerof3 Thu 19-Sep-13 22:06:36

I dont think its weird he wants to take his niece out but I also think you're right that they should fet to know each other first or it could be a nightmare outing for both of them

ThisIsBULLSHIT Thu 19-Sep-13 22:14:47

It is only weird because he is asking the OP why she doesn't trust him when he never sees her dd.
He visits for two weeks every year, so has likely seems her twice. She will have NO recollection of him.

And WHY does he want to take her by himself? What reason is there for him not to have his brother and SIL with him?!

I am not saying that uncles taking their nieces out is weird, just that something isn't quite sitting right with his insistence and accusations of them not trusting him?!

ThisIsBULLSHIT Thu 19-Sep-13 22:16:51

And yes if the SIL didn't know the dd and more importantly if the dd had no idea who the SIL was and had no memory of her.

AND! If the mother of the little girl said no!!!

My brother is lowly and amazing and has always been involved with my children but he wouldn't ask to take one of the out alone, especially when they were two. Especiallymore if he didn't have children.

ThisIsBULLSHIT Thu 19-Sep-13 22:17:04


ThisIsBULLSHIT Thu 19-Sep-13 22:18:34

My brother is actually lovely not lowly.

attheendoftheday Thu 19-Sep-13 22:26:06

YANBU. It's nothing to do with not trusting him, 2 is too little to go off with someone you don't know quite well. Surely your dh can explain that?

MistressDeeCee Thu 19-Sep-13 22:39:46

What TalkativeJim said.

I cant believe your DP feels its cool for DD to go off with a man she doesnt know hence wont feel comfortable with. Even apart from I feel its strange he wants to spend the day with her anyway (why? doing what? are his young children coming over too, to spend the day doing kiddie things with them/does he have young children?) then what about DD being upset? She's just 2 years old fgs she'll be anxious being away with a stranger and not a parent in sight!

I hope common sense prevails over your DP having some point to prove about his brother. Even if you dont trust his brother then, so what? Just because a man's related to your DP that doesnt mean you know him well simply by association and HAVE to trust him. My brother spent time with my girls over the years, daytrips etc but they know him - we all live in the same city & their uncle was a regular feature in their lives. Not some bloke they barely knew who visited on occasion and wanted solo time with them to be a part of that visit.

Stick to your guns OP - when a mother has an intuition & gut feeling that something isnt quite right then isnt.

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