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To think that if Hell was a cafe...

(82 Posts)
beepoff Thu 19-Sep-13 10:06:01

... The only tea it would serve would be the discusting Lapsang Souchong?

Served in chipped novelty mugs.

Accompanied by crumbly, not sweet-enough, flaccid flapjacks which fall apart when touched.


beepoff Thu 19-Sep-13 13:02:39

Come on, someone out there must hate bonfire tea as much as I do...?

OliviaPope Thu 19-Sep-13 13:42:42

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

5Foot5 Thu 19-Sep-13 13:43:14

Hm. Not sure.

I think the worst cafe I have possibly been in was the one at Grindleford Station in Derbyshire. It is slightly famous because it is in a great location and is visited by lots of walkers and is prone to plaster the walls with bossy quirky notices telling you what you should and shouldn't do (E.g. "Anyone caught putting salt in the sugar will be fined 50p for a new bag", "Any woman found putting paper towels down the toilet will be banned for life")

However, I had undoubtedly the most vile cup of coffee of my life there so goodness knows what they would do to tea.

ButThereAgain Thu 19-Sep-13 13:52:30

I think that if Hell was a cafe it would served bucket-sized "cappuccinos" that taste like hot milkshakes and have a billion calories and cost nearly four pounds, and it wouldn't pay any taxes. ... Oh, wait, Hell is a cafe.

ButThereAgain Thu 19-Sep-13 13:53:07

...but I agree with you about lapsang souchong. Not my cup of tea at all.

ShakeAndVac Thu 19-Sep-13 14:05:42

If hell was a cafe it would serve nothing but coffee. With coffee flavoured cake and coffee biscuits and pump coffee smells everywhere.
can you tell I can't stand coffee grin

SoupDragon Thu 19-Sep-13 14:10:23

If hell were a cafe, there would be badly behaved small children running amok in it. The drinks are irrelevant.

5Foot5 Thu 19-Sep-13 14:37:43

...but I agree with you about lapsang souchong. Not my cup of tea at all.

^ grin

UniS Thu 19-Sep-13 14:42:44

If hell were a cafe
there would be not enough milk in the tea , EVER. the toast would be cold and the jam full of wasps.

SuperiorCat Thu 19-Sep-13 14:47:17

grin but there.

I will add: is in a soft play place so add the stench of overused frying oil and urine to the aroma of the place

BogStandardOldWoman Thu 19-Sep-13 14:48:13

It would serve Earl Grey. That is the devil's tea!

jammiedonut Thu 19-Sep-13 14:50:47

Yabu I love a bit of lapsang. Decaf tea is the devils brew!

SPsTotallyMullerFuckingLicious Thu 19-Sep-13 15:03:33

Lapsang Souchong

^ what in heavens name is that?

I prefer a standard builders tea.

SPsTotallyMullerFuckingLicious Thu 19-Sep-13 15:03:43

Lapsang Souchong

^ what in heavens name is that?

I prefer a standard builders tea.

Beeyump Thu 19-Sep-13 15:32:58

Lapsang Souchong is awful
If Hell was a cafe they'd force you to drink it, along with iced coffee - boak.
And they'd make you eat really dry scones.

Binkyridesagain Thu 19-Sep-13 15:38:48

I think a part of hell must reside in my kitchen cupboard, I think there are about 20 different teas in there, with various tea making implements and teapots, none of them are mine.

Tea must be made with Yorkshire tea, in a large mug with a little milk and it has to be strong enough to stain the cup.

Beeyump Thu 19-Sep-13 15:40:43

Haha, are you my boyfriend Binky? (Probably not Beeyump...shut up. But the similarity in how you take your tea is uncanny!)

prettybutclumpy Thu 19-Sep-13 16:15:41

When I first met my MIL she made me a cup of builder's tea in her metal teapot used for brewing the dreaded Lapsang Souchong! I shudder still at the idea 20 years later!

SPsTotallyMullerFuckingLicious Thu 19-Sep-13 16:17:05

Blinky Now that's a proper cuppa! grin

ZutAlorsDidier Thu 19-Sep-13 16:21:23

Hell is a cafe which smells of fried egg, someone keeps kicking your chair, has no butter (only margarine), everything is a bit lukewarm and greasy, the mugs are chipped and the table wobbles

ErrolTheDragon Thu 19-Sep-13 16:25:19

We once tried lapsang when we were students. DH (then DBF) came out in the most awful nettle-type rash which moved excruciatingly around his skin. We had to walk to a late-night pharmacy to get some antihistamines for him.

must be about 30 years ago and I've had no desire to repeat the experiment as it tasted vile anyway.

Beeyump Thu 19-Sep-13 16:26:11

Yes! The table wobbles, and you have to keep jamming little bits of folded up receipts under it to attempt to stop it. And for a moment you think it's worked, and you congratulate yourself on your 'engineering skills'...then it jolts your lapsang souchong all over you.

minidipper Thu 19-Sep-13 16:26:43

Café Hell exists. It is Starbucks on Guildford High Street which serves you a tepid sweet Frappuccino, regardless of what you ask for (iced black coffee? Frappuccino. Mocha milkshake? Tepid Frappuccino.) All served with a scowl at snail's pace, at filthy tables while three members of staff behind the counter have long complex arguments about what the customers ordered.

Been there twice when others arranged the meeting place. Never, ever again. Sugar in coffee of any form is an abomination. And icy drinks that are warm or hot drinks that are not scalding make me heave.

Oh and get this: you PAY £5 for your loyalty card.

ErrolTheDragon Thu 19-Sep-13 16:34:36

Earl Grey is disgusting too. Proper tea with milk is the best.

However, if for some reason you want a milkless tea (eg if you're doing 5:2 and it all counts and you hate black coffee but need caffeine ) then I've just found that Clipper green tea with lemon is very pleasant. Jasmine is ok too. No place in hell-café for those.

The smell of hell-café would be over-used chipfat and burnt cheese.

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