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A wedding one! I have a real wedding one of my very own!

(144 Posts)
Hullygully Wed 18-Sep-13 15:10:10

So we are a very large extended family but all close and get on well and see each other differing amounts. But everyone is invited to any "big" event, iyswim.

My third cousin who is lovely is getting married to someone who I think has been married before but can't remember, but they are both older and established, and we (The Family) have been invited to a celebratory lunch and cakes at her mother's house. Very nice. But they will already have got married, we none of us know why and don't like to ask (probs money).

I asked the mother (second cousin) what they would like for a wedding gift and they want donations to their honeymoon.

Is this normal?

I sort of don't mind, it just seems a bit odd. And how much does one give?

ifyourehoppyandyouknowit Wed 18-Sep-13 15:28:42

I think since you asked what they wanted, and they then told you, it's not really rude?

SubliminalMassaging Wed 18-Sep-13 15:29:51

I'm still trying to work out what a third cousin is. I get that she's the child of the second cousin but what is a second cousin?

Is my second cousin my cousin's child? In which case a third cousin is my cousins grandchild? In which case if Hully's third cousin is getting married and she's already older and established, that must make Hully about 104.

Weegiemum Wed 18-Sep-13 15:30:26

You can't give them money if they haven't asked you in a tacky poem.
It's traditional

Hullygully Wed 18-Sep-13 15:31:13

I am 103 aksherly

No, the mother is my mother's cousin so my second cousin, which makes her daughter my third cousin.

Why on earth I know this shit I can't imagine.

DidoTheDodo Wed 18-Sep-13 15:32:32

I fall firmly on the side of not wanting to pay for a honeymoon. Can't afford itt, don;t go - I'm not paying. (Logically I'm not certain why it offends me so much, it just does)

You'd get towels from me and be bloody grateful!

Actually, the gifts I love best from our wedding are things that people have thought about and given with love.

Hullygully Wed 18-Sep-13 15:32:38

We just had a nice card from the mother inviting us for lunch and cake to celebrate the marriage. No mention of the wedding or the presents. I found out from my mother that the wedding was a month before but we have none of us mentioned it.

I emailed the mother to say how lovely and asked re presents and she emailed back with the money thing.

ScrambledSmegs Wed 18-Sep-13 15:33:07

And you have to respond with a poem too, Weegiemum.

It's the LAW.

MadBusLady Wed 18-Sep-13 15:33:10

I think the ones where they itemise the honeymoon costs as presents (taxi ride to hotel, dinner on first night etc) are ok, at least it's for all budgets and you feel you are buying something real. And no doubt the happy couple spend the entire holiday clutching a list so that they can spare a few kind thoughts about the person who bought them whatever they're currently doing/eating.

Alohomora Wed 18-Sep-13 15:34:00

Is this in the UK? It's pretty common where I'm from, most couples I know either ask for honeymoon donations or money, but I know MN largely frowns on that.

Hullygully Wed 18-Sep-13 15:34:29

Yes, at my wedding we didn't have a list of anything (apart from a pretend one for two elderly great aunts who couldn't conceive of no list) and we got amazing presents. Not expensive, but really nice.

SubliminalMassaging Wed 18-Sep-13 15:35:10

Oh ok. Thanks. Anyway, I have no idea what to do about the money. <helpful>

Seems a bit much when you don't get to go to an ackshul wedding. But I agree if it's expected/hoped for then I'd be too cowardly and polite to refuse. I wouldn't do loads though - maybe 30 quid?

Maggietess Wed 18-Sep-13 15:35:18

Oh this has happened me 4 times in last 2 years and 2 of then were immediate family.

I much prefer giving something tangible so I just told the two closest to me that and asked them to have a think was there anything else they'd like as I'd really like to buy a physical present. One did come up with something, the other didn't. So with the ones who didn't we just wrote a cheque.... Felt weird and not very nice to me but I now loads of people who thought it was a great idea, saved them hassle and was something couple wanted.

Apparently it's much more common now when people are more likely to have already lived together and bought stuff for a house, they don't need a big list, they need the cash for honeymoon etc.

PlentyOfPubeGardens Wed 18-Sep-13 15:35:39

Well, what are the alternatives?

You could do a wedding list and risk embarrassing your guests who can't afford anything on it (and would never in a million years have chosen any of those gifts for you because they're all hideous)

Or you could take pot luck and end up with 6 sets of towels and 5 toasters and a load of guests feeling anxious because they don't know what to get you.

I often get money for birthdays and christmas. It's lovely writing thank yous and letting people know what you've spent it on.

Weegiemum Wed 18-Sep-13 15:36:32

Well please write me one for my cousins wedding, to say "stop being so grabby, here's a john Lewis voucher so you cant spend it on your honeymoon ner ner ner" (which is my current feeling).

Hullygully Wed 18-Sep-13 15:36:33

Maybe I'll get them an Argos voucher

MadBusLady Wed 18-Sep-13 15:36:39

I got my brother and SIL vouchers (as requested) but by email, which I thought was surely more sensible. Then was quite blush at the wedding when it turned out it was SIL's country's custom to come and present money and tokens to bride and groom in front of everyone and I had to go up and say "Er, hello, check your email."

Sparklingbrook Wed 18-Sep-13 15:36:47

I would put on the invitation

'No gifts or money thank you-just bring yourselves'

ScrambledSmegs Wed 18-Sep-13 15:37:09

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MadBusLady Wed 18-Sep-13 15:37:12

That's perfect weegie. Freeform innit.

DidoTheDodo Wed 18-Sep-13 15:38:33

Maggie I sort of disagree with your line of thinking.

They don't NEED the cash (or gifts) but would LIKE a honeymoon.

I see a difference there, especially as wedding gifts were supposed to help the couple set up a home. If they've been living tiogether for a while they could always have soem new towels?

ScrambledSmegs Wed 18-Sep-13 15:39:01

Ah, shite, just realised that post^^ is massively identifying. Sorry Hully, I'm going to ask for it to be deleted.


MadBusLady Wed 18-Sep-13 15:39:28

Scrambled grin grin Have they recovered now?

SubliminalMassaging Wed 18-Sep-13 15:40:26

Write them a tacky poem, about true love and how they'll spend the rest of their life together and cross stitch it. Or make them a little video of your singing the poem to music. Maybe playing the guitar? With the DCs on recorder and DH on tambourine? Deeply heartfelt and personal. Perfect for the older, established couple who have everything. They''ll be thrilled I promise. Trust me. grin

PlentyOfPubeGardens Wed 18-Sep-13 15:40:56

First time I got married, we didn't do a list or anything and we literally did get 6 sets of towels hmm

ifyourehoppyandyouknowit Wed 18-Sep-13 15:42:19

We had a list but still got lots and lots of crystal photo frames. And goblets.

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