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AIBU?

To think moving in with DP is at the detriment of my children?

269 replies

DairyleaFlunker · 17/09/2013 12:03

The £900 per month thread made me think about my situation.

My DP of 2 years wants to move in after Christmas. He earns £38k. I work part time as I have a 2, 3 and 6 year old and earn little. I receive some housing benefit, tax credits etc and without the tax credits to help towards childcare my job isn't worthwhile. I am studying for a degree and my job is experience for my career. At the moment I work 3 days in school hours so get to do all drop offs and collections and eldest ds gets to do extra curricular activities. When DP moves in I will be working for no money as will receive no tax credits towards childcare. I can either continue doing that or get a full-time job (which DP expects me to do immediately after my degree is finished in April) - in which case my outgoings will increase massively due to childcare and I will barely see my children, extra curricular activities will have to stop etc. They like him but I feel they will really resent the change in their lifestyle bought about by him moving in. My eldest hates the after school club and the youngest two would struggle with going to nursery more. I made it clear from the beginning of our relationship that I believe children should have a primary carer around the majority of the time until at least 7/8 - we discussed this in relationship to potentially having children of our own. However now he has different expectations and I feel him moving in will be at the detriment to my children. AIBU?

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topicsactiveimon · 17/09/2013 12:14

You are an adult, a worker and a mother with your own life and your own hopes and expectations for and about your children.

So who is he to come waltzing in and dictate major changes to a set-up you put in place because it suits you and you can afford it?? I'd want to know his justification for this.

I would be willing to work for nothing and give up the tax credits, as long as he would pick up the financial slack there. After all, it is experience for your career and will benefit you in the end.

However, this worries me: I can either continue doing that or get a full-time job (which DP expects me to do immediately after my degree is finished in April).

You don't want to work FT. You have built a life that means you do not need to so immediately. Why does he insist on FT work from April?

TerrorMeSue · 17/09/2013 12:17

Say no to him. You do not want this. Don't do it.

TheOrchardKeeper · 17/09/2013 12:19

You don't want to do it & you're right. If he's worth his salt then he won't 'make' you.

Beastofburden · 17/09/2013 12:22

What is his relationship like with your DC? When you two got together you had a new baby, he may have been a bit of that DC's dad, as your most recent partner before him.

If he is not ready to be a good dad to your DC, because he resents their demands on you, I think you may have a bigger problem than just your working hours.

Also, why exactly is he moving into your house when he is the one with the money? Doesn't he have his own place? You might want to be careful about giving up or sharing any protected tenancy you may have in your own right.

meditrina · 17/09/2013 12:24

It's Ok for him to have different expectations, and to come up with plans for how to realise them. But it's not OK to impose them on you. If he's coming at this from an angle of "I so much want to be with you and have a real family life, I want it to happen as soon as possible, and weren't you taking that degree to improve your career anyhow - lets crack on with it" then he's being reasonable, but hasn't done his sums, nor thought hard enough about childcare. You can work through that together.

If you think he's just thinking of his own comfort and not your wider family life and future, then it's quite different (especially if he's in rented and his lease is coming up).

Either way,, don't let him move in until you are 100% sure.

DairyleaFlunker · 17/09/2013 12:25

But it seems the only alternative I have is to say: you can only move it if you support us financially. Which doesn't seem fair either. I love him and want to be with him but he will work away 4/5 nights per week anyway so I don't feel the benefit of him living here would outweigh the financial/lifestyle impact on my children.

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WilsonFrickett · 17/09/2013 12:27

Have you both sat down and discussed this fully - full financial disclosure, so to speak? If not, YABU. You have to both understand how the family will work financially.

If you have and he is just expecting things to be his way, then YANBU and you should think very carefully. When people tell you who they are, listen.

Oh and full-time jobs - not too many of them around atm. I'd hate for you to be pressured into taking any old job post-qual, is that what he means?

DairyleaFlunker · 17/09/2013 12:28

He gets on well with the dc and has dc himself. His dc are in childcare from 7-7 mon-fri but I don't want that for my dc and have always made that clear.

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WilsonFrickett · 17/09/2013 12:28

But when he moves in you become a family, surely? So everything is pooled, it's not a case of one supporting the other. I think you need to talk about this properly.

Bonsoir · 17/09/2013 12:28

It sounds as if your DP doesn't want to support your DC financially, and thinks you should work to support them to the detriment of time spent with them by you.

I would be very wary of moving in with a partner who makes so few concessions.

topicsactiveimon · 17/09/2013 12:29

Yes, if he move in, the only alternative is for him to support you financially. As you say, the impact of him moving in with be financial dependency on him. That's okay if the relationship is strong and he is committed to what is best for you and the DCs - after all at some later date he may depend financially on you, and that's what family life is about, supporting each other.

However it seems like in exchange for his money, he wants to dictate your life and workload. I wouldn't make that exchange.

PogoBob · 17/09/2013 12:29

This may be a daft question but if I works away 4/5 nights a week so you won't see him why does he want to move in?

LilyAmaryllis · 17/09/2013 12:30

This isn't really about the moving in, this is about the "DP expects me to get a full-time job immediately in April". Why is this? What is behind this?

He earns a very decent wage. If you do combine households he won't be paying for his current rent/mortgage/bills so there will be some spare. Don't know whether that will quite compensate for the loss of tax credits.

Bonsoir · 17/09/2013 12:30

If his own DC are in 7-7 childcare, that lifestyle may well be his parenting norm. You could have a major problem here.

DairyleaFlunker · 17/09/2013 12:30

And no, he doesn't have his own place. He gets to stay in hotels through work all week then with me/his mum/friends at weekends. Yes he isn't fussed about me finding THE job, just A job. Of which there aren't many here.

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DIYapprentice · 17/09/2013 12:31

If you love each other to move in, then it shouldn't even be a question of asking him to financially support you, you become a family unit and the support is given.

If you are questioning that, then he shouldn't be moving in, because it won't be a true partnership, it will just be something that is convenient and nice because it's easier to see more of each other.

Bonsoir · 17/09/2013 12:32

How about suggesting his DC come to live with you in the week so that he saves on childcare?

DairyleaFlunker · 17/09/2013 12:32

And he's using the fact he currently has no mortgage or rent to pay off his debts so technically I am helping to support him at the moment.

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sleepyhead · 17/09/2013 12:33

Of course he has to help out financially .

It would be crazy to financially disadvantage someone you loved (you losing benefits) and not want to compensate them for that.

There's no point him moving in unless you work out what your joint finances will be, otherwise he's basically a flatmate, and a flatmate at that who's costing you money.

Bonsoir · 17/09/2013 12:33

It is clearly a good deal for him to move in with you. You must explain to him that it needs also to be a good deal for you and your DC.

DairyleaFlunker · 17/09/2013 12:34

His dc live 80 miles away and wouldn't want to leave school etc plus their mum doesn't drive so would make contact difficult

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KatyTheCleaningLady · 17/09/2013 12:34

Why not postpone moving in together? Until either you graduate or kids are all in primary or whatever?

You should not rush to move in and make a family. Your kids will be at risk of upheaval and your financial situations are vulnerable.

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teatimesthree · 17/09/2013 12:35

He doesn't have his own place.

Major alarm bells for me there.

You have got a great set up for you and your kids. Don't let me come in and turn it on its head. Stick up for what you know is right for your children.

teatimesthree · 17/09/2013 12:35

Yikes, he has debts as well?

DairyleaFlunker · 17/09/2013 12:35

He expects to help with rent and bills but has said he wants me to earn at least £1000 per month

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