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To want to get married in a pair of jeans

(33 Posts)
weddingblues3 Tue 17-Sep-13 10:08:56

My mum is terminal ill and does not have long. My partner and I have been engaged for over a year and decided that we would like to get married ASAP, so my mum will be well enough to attend.

We don't have much money so decided on Registry office, very immediate family only, followed by a meal in the High Street. A very simple, cheap as possible affair, as it has be arranged in 6 weeks.

Anyhow told my mum and dad, who then insisted on paying for cars, photographer, flowers and the meal. My dad said he would like to invite more family and make it a bigger affair and suggested an evening reception too. My mum told me to phone a nice local hotel and find out the price for meal and evening reception. I told her that would be really expensive and she said just find out the price and let us know.

I was planning on buying a very cheap simple outfit, no cars etc, just registry office, then a 5 minute walk to the meal in the High Street. However, as it was being made a more grander affair, with wedding venues and reception a wedding dress would be more appropriate (and I loved the idea too) and managed to buy a lovely (very cheap) dress.

Anyhow I found out the price and it was really expensive, so I phoned round a few more places and managed to find a really nice place for a fraction of the price and I was really excited to tell my mum and dad.

I told them yesterday, their response was almost how dare I arrange an evening affair, they couldn't possibly attend an evening function and only wanted a meal, which I was instructed must be at 1pm! They would pay for and attend a meal and if anyone wanted to do something after, then they should put their hands in their own pockets!!

I felt extremely embarrassed, upset and a bit gobsmacked. I will go back to my original plan of us paying for the meal etc, however I am now left with a wedding dress and wont be able to afford anything else. And I am going to feel a right idiot, walking down a busy high street to a normal restaurant, in a wedding dress!

AIBU to think sod it and wear my jeans?

weddingblues3 Tue 17-Sep-13 14:46:10

Zipzap, no its not the expense at all, they are pretty well off. Its hard to explain without sounding really ungrateful. I got the impression that because they wouldn't be attending (despite telling me to look at a evening function and giving the impression beforehand that they would attend an evening function) they didn't see why they should pay for it, if they now couldn't attend.

I thought I was doing the right thing by doing this ASAP, so my mum could be there and enjoy the day and its almost as though they feel I have forced this upon them and attending is a inconvience. Its like we will attend on our terms ie registry office is booked for 12.30, meal is at 1pm, if the rest of you want to do something after, then put your hands in your own pockets.

I just felt highly embarrassed as if I was asking them to pay for something which was my idea, my expectation of them, as if the previous conversation we had with them didn't take place.

Anyhow I am sure they have their reasons, its not the change of venue or plans that I found upsetting, just their change of attitude. I feel like I have done something wrong or upset them in some way.

Thanks everyone and grin at some of your comments and experiences.

I will get over it and wear my dress smile even my eldest son said to me its not like you to worry about what you look like, cheers son, I think there was a compliment in there somewhere!

TheSmallClanger Tue 17-Sep-13 12:53:07

Do what you need to do and let your parents fall in line. If you try to compromise and meet half way, it will use up vast quantities of energy, time and sanity that you sound like you need.

I think wandering around the streets in a dress is the least of your worries. It might be really good fun - get some pictures of you wandering, waving, pretending to be a member of the Royal Family, popping into Greggs, using the ATM - the possibilities are endless.

WRT your DP's outfit - what does he actually want to wear? That should be paramount. My DH did wear jeans for our wedding (very expensive fitted Diesel ones - only thing he could find that fit properly and made him feel confident). He does look a bit odd on our photos, but it doesn't matter, because he's MY skinny scruffy funny-looking DH and the memories are all good.

DIYapprentice Tue 17-Sep-13 12:51:57

Perhaps your parents thought that once you got caught up in it all, that you would suddenly change your mind about what you wanted and would suddenly be willing to pull out all stops - and pay for it yourself. So they pushed you just to make you go and have a look.

I had a friend who was insistent on just a plain simple dress, and the first time she tried a proper wedding dress on she fell in love with it and then completely changed her mind as to what sort of wedding she wanted.

PedantMarina Tue 17-Sep-13 12:43:17

Walk down the street wearing a wedding dress! When are you EVER going to get another chance to do this thing? Do it, and enjoy the admiring looks! And then tell us about it, so we can live vicariously.

zipzap Tue 17-Sep-13 12:23:58

I wonder if they have realised that it is a lot more expensive than they were expecting so embarrassed about not being able to afford to pay for as much as they thought they would?

Or they wanted you to go to the place they suggested and do what they wanted you to do for the wedding, the fact you're not maybe they feel like it's a snub - albeit completely unintended by you? Maybe she wants you just to do what they say and have complete control over it like lots of mums and mils want to do rather than just be in at the fringes so to speak - maybe she always dreamed of her dd getting married at the hotel and having a big do and her being the gracious mother of the bride hostess, doing all the things she wanted to do for her wedding but her mum didn't let her do... and if it's suddenly going to be in an inn that she doesn't know rather than the local hotel - it's the straw that breaks the camel's back and she can't cope with any of it as it's so far removed from what she has spent lots of time thinking would be your wonderful wedding...

Or if your mum is so ill and was originally thinking that it would be a way of seeing lots of people before she dies... (sorry to put it so bluntly, can't think of a nice way to say it sad) but maybe the reality of that has hit her in the last 24 hours and she's not sure that she can cope with it but doesn't want to say so because it's admitting it's another step down the road towards her end? Not saying this very well, but hopefully you get the idea.

I hope you enjoy wearing your dress on the day and have a fantastic day that everybody is happy about, particularly given the circumstances.

NomDeOrdinateur Tue 17-Sep-13 12:04:06

Wear the dress! I had to hang around in Waitrose carpark on a Saturday afternoon (hiding from my DH's bunny-boiling ex, who was working inside) while my DM popped in for more soft drinks on the way to our reception, then thought "sod it" and spent the evening sitting on the grass at an enormous free music festival with my wedding dress and tiara still on. It was fun grin.

Sorry about your family situation, though - it must be very hard for all of you sad.

SunshineMMum Tue 17-Sep-13 12:00:01

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

weddingblues3 Tue 17-Sep-13 11:52:53

Yes ZZZ it is. I don't think she has forgotten what she said to me, just a change of heart. As you say maybe in the grander scheme of things, it all just seemed a bit irrelevant to her and more important things to worry about.

I have tried to include her and talk wedding arrangements with her, maybe she has seen this as being a bit insensitive of me. I will try to stick to the bare essentials from now on and as you say, thanks very kind of you, but don't want you worrying about details etc. Maybe I am expecting too much, as they obviously have enough to worry about.

My parents will get a cab there and back and my sister will be there too to keep an eye.

Thanks everyone has helped me to get things into perspective.

Lweji Tue 17-Sep-13 11:50:03

You'll be ok walking down the street in a wedding dress. smile

Still, if you are worried could you ask a friend to drive you?

Remember, you can still sell off your dress after the wedding.
And the groom could rent (is that still too expensive?)

I was going to say YWBU, as preferably you'd want to wear a top too, not just the jeans grin

LucySnoweShouldRelax Tue 17-Sep-13 11:45:30

I saw Rush last night, and in one of the wedding scenes, the bride was wearing jeans, a beautiful blouse, and a power blazer. I turned to my friend next to me and said "that's the best wedding outfit I've seen in AGES"

Wear whatever you feel comfortable and happy in, you have enough on your plate.

ZZZenagain Tue 17-Sep-13 11:38:21

are your parents far away? I think do what you originally planned to do, just what you can manage. Wear the dress since you have it now and see what you can do to make your parents feel welcome and included. I think they meant well but I don't know maybe your mum has forgotten what she said to you originally? I think they are probably so overwhelmed with the pain, worry and so on involved with her illness that they cannot cope with much.

I'd tell my mum she has a heart of gold for wanting to help and you really appreciate it but you won't have her worried or troubled so you are going to go with what you can afford and you really hope it will be a special day for her because it is very important to you that she is there when you get married. You just want her and your dad to relax and enjoy it. Something like that.

If the registry office near you is already booked , go with that. Is there any kind soul who would drive round and pick up your parents? Could you ask a relative or good friend to keep a special eye out for your parents the whole time and make sure your mum is comfortable and they're alright?

Sorry to hear about your mum. How horrible for her and all of you. Is it cancer?

weddingblues3 Tue 17-Sep-13 11:36:40

Yes Larry, im feeling a bit deflated I suppose, I wanted them to feel happy for me and for this to be a happy occasion, which is maybe asking a bit much given the circumstances. Im probably on that emotional rollercoaster too at the thought of losing my mum. I just need to relax a bit and take it as it comes, rather than trying to force my happiness, at a sad time onto everyone else.

I love the idea of jeans and flowers in my hair, maybe with my wedding shoes, that would be pretty cool!

Preciousbane Tue 17-Sep-13 11:33:25

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Larrygogan Tue 17-Sep-13 11:28:52

I wore jeans to my wedding, and flowers in my hair! It was lovely, but if you want to wear your wedding dress, you absolutely should.

This isn't really about the dress, though, is it? Don't let your parents' attitude sap all joy from the occasion. Take back some control if you need to, and congratulations!

weddingblues3 Tue 17-Sep-13 11:22:12

Iris, im not sure they actually feel comfortable with paying for anything, at the moment they seem to be treating it as if its an inconvenience to them. I am booking the registry office in a few days and my partner has already given his notice, paid for it and named the registry office, locally to me (they were aware of this). They asked could I go to a registry office near to them yesterday after my partner had named Registry office. Then they don't mind travelling to us as long as I book the registry office for 12.30 and meal for 1pm.

At the moment my mum is still pretty able ie getting on a bus to go and do her shopping, visiting my sister by train who lives the same distance as me etc, etc. Although she does get more tired and has good and bad days and is on morphine. We wanted to get married literally now, so my mum could still enjoy the day.

Maybe they felt they had to offer to pay for the meal, so they could have some say and control over it.

I would feel more comfortable just paying for what we can afford and incorporating as many allowances for my mum as poss.

weddingblues3 Tue 17-Sep-13 11:02:36

ZZZ the groom has an old suit, shirts and a tie he could wear at a push, if we really cant afford anything else.

The hotel that my mum told me to enquire about, was £7,000 plus drinks for the meal, dj for the evening and other extras etc

The place I found was a quaint little Inn, all inclusive £2,400 (drink package, dj etc) with x amount of bedrooms, if my mum needed to rest etc.

So definitely not the price that was the problem. They just seemed to go from excited to how dare you literally over night. I assume they are on an emotional rollercoaster, so its no big deal.

IrisWildthyme Tue 17-Sep-13 10:53:52

If you like the dress go ahead and wear it wherever you are - seeing a bride in the high street is a lovely sight - don't be embarrassed! One of the best weddings I went to was one where the whole bridal party walked along a busy high street from the wedding venue to the reception venue, followed by all the guests - it made for a marvelous carnival feeling and the bride had so many wishes of congratulations from passers by it made her feel elated. Let your parents pay for whatever they feel comfortable paying for, and if you can't afford any extras that's fine - leave it at that or find a local pub with a function room which you can go to after the lunch to continue the party without any further expense (apart from your own drinks!).

True friends are delighted to be at a wedding with you and don't care what quality and quantity of food and drink there are afterwards, because what matters is being with you and your new DH on your special day. Anyone who gets sniffy about any arrangements you choose to make or not make does not deserve to be there.

weddingblues3 Tue 17-Sep-13 10:53:23

Princess, it was a very strange conversation, it was as if the previous conversation didn't happen at all. I felt really awkward being asked to explain why I had done that, with me stuttering I thought that is what you wanted to invite more family, only to be told don't be silly we couldn't possibly cope with that!

Still never mind!

ZZZenagain Tue 17-Sep-13 10:48:33

Can't the groom rent a suit for the day? Can't cost that much and maybe his family would help him out with that. The two of you do need to match a bit. As for the children, they can just be spruced up with whatever they have already. Girls maybe with a flower in their hair. They don't all have to match or anything. Most girls will have a nice outfit for parties or similar, boys probably have a shirt.

ZZZenagain Tue 17-Sep-13 10:45:34

that's strange that they first told you to find about a meal and evening reception and then asked how you could dare arrange an evening affair.

Perhaps it was more expensive than they thought it would be even if the one you found was less expensive than most. I think they meant well and your mum in particular wanted it to be a special goodbye gift to you. Perhaps if your mum is so ill , she really couldn't stay up for an evening function and felt she'd be paying for something she and your dad wouldn't even be able to attend? Still strange if it was her suggestion in the first place.

Definitely wear your dress, you have it now. You don't need cars, photographers and flowers but I am not sure what to do about the lunch. You will be fine walking down a busy high street to a normal restaurant in a wedding dress. You won't be on your own remember. Honestly people will love it. Get someone to take plenty of photos for you. You' ll want something to remember it by.

weddingballs Tue 17-Sep-13 10:42:49

Wear your dress! It's lovely you're moving things for your mum and but it YOUR wedding and you can do whatever you want.

I would personally go for the cheap option and not take a penny from anyone if it meant avoiding others input! In fact I am doing this and looking forward to it.

Good luck and enjoy your day smile

ExitPursuedByADragon Tue 17-Sep-13 10:40:04

I wore jeans to mine. But it was registry office with my Dad, DD and our admin lady none of whom knew until the day. Followed by a meal in a pub.

Wear what you want.

weddingblues3 Tue 17-Sep-13 10:39:59

Thanks Littleprincess that is nice to hear and makes me feel better. Although I feel a little guilty, as the money we would have saved on the meal would have gone on kitting out the groom and kids too. So I have a lovely dress due to the brief change of plan and everyone else will be in 'casual' clothes! (as this was the original plan, all casual)

CocacolaMum Tue 17-Sep-13 10:38:21

wear your wedding dress, I think it will be lovely and I am sorry your parents gave a bad reaction. I can only imagine that the stresses of this difficult time are catching up x

PrincessKitKat Tue 17-Sep-13 10:37:50

It makes me so sad that you're making these plans with them at the heart & they've pulled the rug out from under you. I understand there might be good reason but there's better ways to do it than that.

As everyone has said: it's your day, do exactly what you want.
If you want a registry office and chips on a park bench, go for it. If you want to eat your chips in a beautiful wedding gown, do so. If you want an evening do, how about a house party - everyone bring a bottle and something to eat, set a dress code if you like! Get drunk, dance, celebrate!

It's all about you & your DP committing to each other for the rest of your lives and that's honestly the bit you will remember & treasure smile it's a beautiful thing (not just a piece of paper at all IMO!).

Have a wonderful day thanks

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