to be getting irritated with new man because he is too nice?(53 Posts)
I have been seeing someone new for about a month, but he is just too nice, like ridiculously nice. And its irritating me. I sound like a complete bitch I know but I like to have to work for it a little iykwim....I am all for him being a gentleman, but I prefer a little harder work than this! How do I get him to stop??? He is going to put me right off him which is a shame because he is so lovely, attractive, intelligent.....just a bit of a walkover me thinks
I used to think this about my dh. Until we got together (12 years down the line) and I realised that he is what I'd call 'quietly stubborn' and is by no means a pushover.
Although I could kick myself for not
jumping on him going out with him when we were younger, I realise Id have probably not been very nice to him and taken his genuinely lovely nature for granted. I.e, would have chucked it away.
As it was, I spent seven years with a hard work, controlling, abusive arsehole and lived with the drama.
There was some research done once that suggested one of the reasons some abuse survivors develop a pattern of seeking out abusive partners is because of brain chemistry. Apparently, the part of the brain that produces the fear response is also involved in excitement (makes sense), and in people who have been abused, the crossover becomes confused. Because people who have been abused long term (often starting in childhood) crave what is familiar, they chase people who evoke that fear response but because it is an adult male, it is mistaken for sexual attraction and excitement.
Obviously, it's a lot more complicated than that, and in no way could you say it applies to all women who have been abused, but if any of that resonates even a little bit with you, it is worth seeking out some expert counselling. The good news is that it's not impossible to overturn deep-rooted patterns like this, although it does take considerable effort. Well worth it if the result is a happier, less chaotic life though.
After 16 years of marriage - I can say that it's wonderful to be with a man who is kind, gentle, honest and trustworthy. He has a brilliant sense of humour, is generous and loving. He is also the smartest person I know and I respect him utterly as he is no pushover. We have different opinions on many things but that's healthy. When I had cancer he looked after me with love and care - I couldn't have asked for better. Him having these qualities does not make me a bitch - what a weird idea. In fact, we both try hard to treat each other with respect, love and honesty at all times - because we think that is what we deserve.
If you want a long term relationship with this man, ask yourself if you can imagine looking after him as he goes through a serious illness or if you can imagine him doing that for you. Do you think of him as your best friend?
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