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DP said he was unsure of his feelings for someone else

(103 Posts)
kumamon Mon 16-Sep-13 16:52:03

We've been together about a year. Yesterday he said he had to tell me something - a girl was moving back into town who he had a fling with last year before he and I met. This had unnerved him and he phoned her so they could chat and he could see how he felt as he "wasn't sure if he had feelings for her", and he wanted to know how she felt.

The upshot is that they have agreed not to be in contact, but he told me in case we bumped into her at some point.

I'm mid-thirties, I'm not naive, I know in relationships you can still be attracted to other people - but this feels different and I am pretty shaken. He says "I didn't know where I stood with her and I had to talk to her" - if we have been together a year how can he not know where he stands with someone else?

He can't seem to understand why I feel threatened by this and just says I shouldn't. AIBU not to accept that he has checked out his feelings and says I have nothing to worry about?

FetchezLaVache Mon 16-Sep-13 16:56:21

Tbh, it sounds like he'd be off like a shot if this girl gave any indication that she was still into him. Did they meet up? What was the decision not to be in contact with each other based on, if he truly doesn't get why you feel threatened by this?

Inertia Mon 16-Sep-13 16:56:23

You are just as entitled to his feelings- so in your shoes I'd be telling him that it didn't matter what he thought I should think, I wouldn't be willing to hang around for a man who checks out his other options when they come back on the scene. And I'd be damn sure about my feelings.

Famzilla Mon 16-Sep-13 16:56:46

I'm sorry to say but it seems like if she had felt there could have been something between them when he called, you'd already be out of the picture. Bit of a fucked up situation IMO. I would get out of there very quickly.

Inertia Mon 16-Sep-13 16:56:52

entitled to your feelings, that should say.

KitCat26 Mon 16-Sep-13 17:02:21

In your shoes I would feel exactly the same.

Surely if he felt unsure of his feelings towards her, he should have told you that, not spoken to his ex about it first!

By speaking to her first it appears like he would restart the old relationship if she had been willing. That would make me feel second best, even if that was not his intention.

SeaSickSal Mon 16-Sep-13 17:05:27

Agree, he would have gone if she would have had him. And he shouldn't have told you this unless he wanted to mess with your head. Dump him.

ilovechips Mon 16-Sep-13 17:06:41

It sounds like he was checking to see if she had feelings for him - which would worry me, as I would be wondering what would have happened if she had? I don't understand why he would need to know how she felt if he wasn't hoping for some kind of relationship with her. This would have me seriously questioning his commitment to me tbh...

JoinTheDots Mon 16-Sep-13 17:10:32

I would speak to him about it again - do you feel like you can ask him exactly what he needed to ask her about? If he says he wanted to know where he stood with her, then ask him what he would have done if she had said something along the lines of "I still care for you and have never stopped thinking about you".

If he has to think about it for even a second, then sadly, you know what you need to do. I am sure you deserve better than to be second best in this relationship to his last fling before you met.

Fairenuff Mon 16-Sep-13 17:15:14

The upshot is that they have agreed not to be in contact, but he told me in case we bumped into her at some point

I think there is more to this than he is admitting. There is a chance that he tried it on with her and she said she would tell his girlfriend if he didn't stop.

So he is getting in there first with this story about them agreeing not to have any contact.

KurriKurri Mon 16-Sep-13 17:15:14

Firstly I think he was nasty to tell you about it - what did he hope to achieve accept to make you feel uncertain and unhappy?

Secondly it sounds as if he wanted to find out whether this other girl was still interested and if she was he would have gone off with her, otherwise why get in touch with her at all - there was no need.

So she doesn't want him - that makes you second choice, - you deserve to be someones first and only choice of partner. You deserve someone better than a knobhead who makes you feel like crap and then says you shouldn't feel that way when he has treated you badly.

Sorry - I know it feels shit, I have been there, and it took me a long time to stop begging for crumbs and realise I deserved better.

WorraLiberty Mon 16-Sep-13 17:16:16

It does sound as though he was hoping she'd still be interested and she turned him down.

kumamon Mon 16-Sep-13 17:22:49

hmmm - that all makes complete sense what you are all saying, and thanks for your responses. He is, I think, backtracking from saying "I wasn't sure if I had feelings for her" (though he definitely said that) to "I wanted to clear the air before we bumped into her".

He is now saying that "when we went our separate ways, we were more than friends"

That doesn't even fucking make sense. If you have gone your separate fucking ways then you are no longer more than friends. Surely? Am I crazy?

diddl Mon 16-Sep-13 17:23:26

He "wasn't sure of his feelings"-wtaf does that even mean??

And it "unnerved him" that she is moving back?

Bloody hell-was it more than a fling or has he been holding a torch all this time?

I'd leave the pathetic arse!

sarascompact Mon 16-Sep-13 17:26:05

You say DP but that you've been together only a year. Do you live with him? To me at least there's a difference in how much to bother about this based on that alone.

HairyGrotter Mon 16-Sep-13 17:27:12

He sounds awful...checking on whether the other option was available, then has the brass fucking balls to 'let you know'. I'd be long gone!

MissStrawberry Mon 16-Sep-13 17:28:44

Why does he care where he stands with her when he is with you?

I would be getting rid I think.

Fairenuff Mon 16-Sep-13 17:29:15

More than just friends means they were sleeping together.

morethanpotatoprints Mon 16-Sep-13 17:29:25

He shouldn't be unsure of his feelings after being with you for a year.
Even if he wasn't sure when he met you, he should be by now, irrespective of anybody else, whoever they are.
Sorry OP, but I also thought that he'd be off like a shot if she showed him she was interested, this was from your OP not others comments.
It is awful he has made you feel like this, he should be doing everything to reassure you, but he isn't.
I too would leave the pathetic arse.

TalkativeJim Mon 16-Sep-13 17:30:49


Think about it for just one second and it's a no brainer. If you're happy with the person you're with, you wouldn't even give the reappearance of an ex headspace. It wouldn't 'unnerve' you. You'd not give it a second thought.

This guy is on the fence. He likes you, he likes having a relationship...but he's got one eye roving for something better. You're Miss Will Do For Now.

So why did he tell you? Two possibilities: he's a player of mind games and quite fancies seeing you tie yourself up in knots to make him love you best, or (more likely I think) he propositioned her, she turned him down, and he's a bit rattled and setting the scene in case you bump into one another and he needs to explain any odd comment.

'He needed to know where he stood with her.' You've got to laugh. He should know where he stands - in another committed relationship. Only, it sounds as if he doesn't know that. So I'd make the decision for him smile

ENormaSnob Mon 16-Sep-13 17:31:41

Dump him.

McNewPants2013 Mon 16-Sep-13 17:31:41

It would really change my feeling toward DP.

What would have happen if he did have feeling, would he have ended the relationship.

For me personally I will never be 2nd best in a relationship.

EllesAngel Mon 16-Sep-13 17:32:18

I could never accept being second best and I don't think you should either. I agree with other posters who have said it sounds as if he would have left you if she had said yes.

beachyhead Mon 16-Sep-13 17:35:11

Wow, I just read it like he felt he had unfinished business with her and wanted to meet or chat to her to clear the air, in case he bumped into her when he was with you.

Presumably, as you have been together a year, you must have some confidence in the relationship and in him... If you don't, that's another matter, but I don't think this contact warrants LTB...

I'd be more concerned if he hadn't told you..

TalkativeJim Mon 16-Sep-13 17:35:47

'He wasn't sure of his feelings' means exactly what it says - he wasn't sure whether she'd be a better bet, so he did a bit of sniffing around to find out. Simple as.

Again - dump!!

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