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to be terrified of what having dc3 at 33 is going to do to my body?

(38 Posts)
dirtyface Sun 15-Sep-13 10:41:31

i am only 8+3 and feel terrible for feeling like this as i MCd a few months ago and i thought this pg was much wanted, but i am so down and depressed at the moment, just feel so fat and ugly. even though i have not gained any weight yet i feel bloated and feel i look awful, so tired and rough

i had my other dcs at 26 and 29 so they did not too too much damage, other than stretchmarks and a bit of a saggy belly

i am only 5 foot 2 and 8 stone 2. so i am terrified of getting too big during pg as i will just look massive being so short and the bigger i get i know it will be more likely my body will be ruined

have been looking into doing pregnancy pilates but i dont know whether to even bother as not convinced it will even help or whether this last pg is just going to ruin my looks and body for ever

i managed through sheer luck and will power to only gain about 15 - 17lbs with dc2. i did that by calorie counting every day and walking a lot and swimming twice a week. but i have felt so sick and hungry i have had no will power at all and i will never be that lucky this time round. i just think its hopeless and wont make any difference this time as i have heard that its easy to bounce back in your 20's but not in your 30's

i wish i had had all my dcs in my early 20's. as i always wanted 3. but wouldnt have been possible

i feel like dh will stop fancying me and leave me. i met him when dc1 was one and i was only 27 and stick thin and young and pretty. he says he fancies me and loves me loads but i hate myself so cant believe him sad

dirtyface Tue 17-Sep-13 10:35:04

thanks for the messages ladies x

i guess i just feel that if i don't look good then dh won't love me any more. stupid i know, because in life we all get old, everyones looks fade, we all gain weight etc. and i know that i would love him no matter what he looked like.

i definitely suffer from anxiety / insecurity / depression fact before i got pg i was on citalopram for anxiety / depression but was advised to stop it when i fell pg. but i am on the waiting list for counselling (again) and have my first appt in october

i chickened out of contacting my MW yesterday blush

Wannabestepfordwife Mon 16-Sep-13 16:09:45

Op congratulations on your pregnancy!

I can understand how you feel whenever I'm anxious or down I concentrate on my physical appearance it's a control thing. I think you need to talk to your mw you sound like you might have a bit of pre natal depression, I had it without realising it exsisted so I never really enjoyed my pregnancy.

I would say how your body reacts to pregnancy has more to do with body type than age so I would expect it will react similar to your previous pregnancies.

With regards to your dh's ex, dp's exs are all 5ft10 size 10 blondes I'm 5ft4 and brunette I might feel a bit jealous at times but at the end of the day they are exs and I'm the one he wants to spend the rest of his life with the same with your dh.

Rosesarebeautiful Mon 16-Sep-13 14:56:07

Wish I hadn't said the 'side of house' comment now. Not helpful. That was people being rude and insensitive to me. In laws - need I say more
I only gained 2.5st with each pregnancy - but my bumps were big & not helped by the maternity wear at that time

I was wondering if thinking about your clothes would help- it is important still to feel attractive. I think the fashions have improved. Someone else mentioned beauty treatments.

Look after yourself & please enjoy this pregnancy.

AveryJessup Mon 16-Sep-13 13:53:32

If you bounced back from your other pregnancies, why assume you won't this time? 33 is not old. I was 33 having my DS and was back in my pre-pregnancy clothes in no time, had no stretch marks and no weight gain once I was fit enough to get out and about again. Every pregnancy is different of course but I don't know why you think age is the deciding factor.

stopgap Mon 16-Sep-13 12:40:13

I think you sound rather anxious. Do you always feel on the insecure side or do you think this could be prenatal depression?

I was 34 when I had my first, and now I'm 36 and 22 weeks along with my second. Honestly, I got no stretchmarks with my first (I'm 5'7 and 8.5 stone and put on two stone) and my stomach muscles returned to normal within a few months, thanks to prenatal and postnatal pilates. I can't imagine this experience will be radically different, as I'm an active, sporty person.

Try to see pregnancy as a way to indulge yourself a bit, if not with your favourite foods, then with a pampering bath or prenatal massage.

AnotherStitchInTime Mon 16-Sep-13 11:31:20

I am the same age and 21 weeks pregnant with dc3, I too have had two CS previously and this one will likely be CS too.

Yes I am a bit saggier in the boobs due to breastfeeding both kids to nearly 2. Yes I am a 12 instead of a 10 (hips wider, but not much fatter or heavier), but I have raised two beautiful kids and given their immune systems a great start.

I am eating healthy, little and often (close to Brewer Diet). I am doing Pilates and also I found some pregnancy exercise videos online here which are great. Walking everywhere and chasing after my toddler keeps me active. You do not need to become the size of a house, but neither should you deny your body and your baby the nutrition you both need.

I think you need to talk to your midwife or GP and get referred for some counselling for your self-esteem and body issues. Your DH clearly loves you and so do your kids, for who you are. Now you just need to love yourself.

Rosesarebeautiful Mon 16-Sep-13 11:05:57

I've had 4 kids and two miscarriages. I'm size 10 normally, but in pregnancy was huge! (Lots of ignorant comments about being 'size of a house'). I didn't overeat - but I did go with what my body wanted/ needed and my stomach muscles aren't great - so I did get big.

I've lost more or less all the weight since. I do think you put on a little with life- so I'm not looking to be the same weight as in my 20s. I do more exercise now- so a bit more fit too.

My husband likes slim women, but he's never had a problem with me in pregnancy. He also recognises the difference between a healthy slim person and an underweight too skinny one.

Please talk to someone in real life. You should be enjoying this stage. I hate to see a skinny pregnant woman- we're nurturing our own bodies and a new one too. Not competing to deny ourselves.

If I was pregnant again (please, no) I would eat well and exercise a bit.

Please talk to someone, and please start to enjoy your pregnancy.

SugarHut Mon 16-Sep-13 10:59:46

Right-o...this is not going to be particularly pc, but I shall tell it how it is. You may get fucking enormously fat. You may get morning sickness to the extent you barely gain anything. Your body may pleasantly surprise you, or it may make you want to cry. Yes, eat sensibly if you can...if your hormone enraged body means nothing but pie for 9 months, so be it. It's (probably, according to you) your last pregnancy...bloody enjoy it. This is the last time you get to feel a little foot having a kick inside you, the last time you get to feel it have the hiccups. And if you look like shite afterwards, then diet, or even have surgery. Never underestimate the effect of freshly painted nails and a good haircut...doesn't matter whether you are chunky or skinny, you can look glamorous regardless.

I have 1 boy, my body was very kind to me, but my boobs were a joke after breastfeeding. They were fine tbh, but to me I hated I had a boob job. You can ALWAYS fix what you don't like. Gym, diet, surgery. So enjoy your pregnancy, be proud that your body has given you beautiful children. Post birth, see what hand mother nature has dealt you, then decide if/how to tackle it, for all you know, you're fretting about nothing.

If you're feeling too sick to do anything right now, fair enough. If not, phone your local salon, now, and book in for something little. Facial, eyebrow shape, say you feel you look change that feeling.

And congratulations on the pregnancy smile

Cuddlydragon Mon 16-Sep-13 10:55:46

I'm sorry you feel like this OP. I really hope you manage to speak to your midwife. I put on a lot of weight with my DS and a year on still have a bit to lose but I don't feel like you do. I loved being pregnant and I adored my bump. I also didn't give a toss about it afterwards either. On a bad day I do wish I had been careful but most days I feel great. I've been a size 10 and a size 18 since I've been with my husband though and it's never been an issue, why would it be, I still think I'm attractive. I think how you feel is key and I hope you are supported in helping you believe that you are the attractive sexy amazing woman you are, regardless of weight. Congratulations on your pregnancy.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Mon 16-Sep-13 10:44:53

I don't care. My husband loves me, and my boobs that have breastfed for 4 years, my crepy overhang from two c-sections and all the rest of it. I'm a size 16.

My body grew two children, nourished them entirely from conception until they were 6 months old (BF). That is not a small achievement.

This is all about how you feel about yourself, and nothing to do with the way you look.

dirtyface Mon 16-Sep-13 10:33:51

i wish that i could be like that alibaba

do you mind me asking, how do you feel so good about your body? is it that you have exercised, dieted etc and got back into shape or is it because you are just generally body confident and don't care if you are not perfect? (dont want to offend you as i am sure you look lovely!!)

Alibabaandthe40nappies Mon 16-Sep-13 09:58:31

You have issues.

I had both my babies in my 30s. Never felt so good about my body.

If your self esteem is all about how you look then at point you are going to be very unhappy.

dirtyface Mon 16-Sep-13 09:52:55

yeah i was the same after my first lweji i put on lots of weight (3 stone) but within 6 weeks was a size 8 then within about 3 months was a size 6, although had stretchmarks my tummy was quite flat

yet with dc2 as i say i only put on about 17lb and was tiny, small bump and no weight anywhere. yet it took ages to shed the weight after i had her. and also she is 4 now and (when not pg) i still have a belly and horrible crepey skin even though i am only a size 8, i hate it

i have never breastfed as the thought scares me tbh and i would feel like my body was not my own, and i would worry dh would be freaked out (although he would never say if he was, he is not a twat) i know thats probably bad of me to think/say

food wise i am trying to stick to 1500 - 2000 calories a day, so i am not dieting as such, just being careful not to go mad. although i am so hungry and sick i could easily eat double that sad i am also walking every day to take the dcs school which is an hour a day in total

but atm all i am craving is things like toast, chips, cheese, crisps etc. most fruit and veg make me gag at the very thought, yet i usually like them :S

Lweji Mon 16-Sep-13 09:01:53

I didn't have any problems, but it's only one DS and I'm naturally thin.

I could feel by body slowing down and I put on weight (boobs) and the baby managed to grow well with basically one extra toast and soup a day.

You do need to be careful with the amount of food you eat. Because losing weight is much more difficult than maintaining (for normal people, not me).
Remember that you may also start to retain liquids, so you may feel big, but manage to drop down after birth.

And breastfeeding is great for losing the extra weight too.

absentmindeddooooodles Mon 16-Sep-13 08:43:42

My mum had me at 21...went on to have my dbro and dsis in 4 years, then had another at 42. She is a size 10. Has liylterally one stretch mark amd looks bloody fantastic.

I had ds at 21. My stomach and boobs are ruined although ive managed to shift most of the weight.

Its not all about age. Just keep as healthy as possible and thats all you can do. Talking to your midwife is a good step. I hope you sort all this out as you sound really down.
Your midwife will not think you are awful. Theu have heard all sorts and are therw to hwlp and support you. Good luck x

MrsRoss26 Mon 16-Sep-13 08:43:14

Your midwife will not think you are awful, most likely she will have cared for other women with the same issues many times. Be as honest as you can with her, and be open to any suggestions she may have. And listen to your dh - if he's telling you he thinks you're sexy, it's because he means it. And remember that a pregnant woman is often the sexiest time to the father - it proves his masculinity! smile

Congratulations on your pg, and very best of luck.

SomeTeaPlease Mon 16-Sep-13 08:31:39

My mum had me at 36 and she's now 57 and looks fab still.

She also had 2 previous pregnancies (though one was a late-term loss).

dirtyface Mon 16-Sep-13 08:14:35

i have decided i am going to tell my midwife today but i don't know where to start or what to say, is she going to think i am awful?

thats if i can even get hold of her, tbh i doubt i will even be able to

dirtyface Sun 15-Sep-13 14:44:27

sharri yes i definitely have some trauma left form the miscarriage. was very harrowing, i lost twins but it was a missed miscarriage not spotted til 12 weeks. i was treated badly by most of the hospital staff. it was horrendous. i had to wait days before they could confirm i had indeed MC'd. then after another few days had to come back in to hospital and was given drugs to basically send me into labour for hours, almost a day. and i had to pass the remains of my pregnancy down the toilet. i was on my own and they even forgot to bring me anything to eat. t was awful.

however i am not blaming that entirely, because i was like it to a certain extent with my other 2 dcs as well. with dc1 i was with someone who didnt treat me very nicely, i was ill with depression, terrified of giving birth to the point where they offered a c/s for psych reasons (hence the subsequent sections) and also he was unplanned. i left his dad shortly after his birth. tbh cos of the bad pregnancy and the bad relationship he came from, i still have trouble bonding with ds even now sad

then with dc2 i was in a happy relationship (am now married to him) but still had awful body image problems and memories of the last pregnancy. hence i dieted etc while pg and didnt gain much weight

but i have had low self esteem and "body issues" (hate that term) since i was a little girl. i am not sure why. have tried counselling many times over the years but it has never really worked for me

and yes i am pushing DH away. all he is being is nice to me and looking after me but i am being a miserable twat. i am also being a shit mum to my other dcs because i am always in a mood / feeling ill sad

i dont deserve any of them sad

SHarri13 Sun 15-Sep-13 12:30:43

Hello op, I an resonate with some of what you say. My DC3 also came after a miscarriage and the pregnancy was my most difficult but I honestly believe in hindsight that I had an element of AND which stemmed from the miscarriage and the pretty traumatic stuff we had to deal with it afterwards (suspected molar). Have you considered that there may be an element of this for you too?


Loa Sun 15-Sep-13 12:19:51

You need to talk to your GP and/or your MW about this.

It's not normal and your DH is telling you he finds you sexy - you seem to be pushing him away. I seriously doubt he is looking at anyone else just cause you've not had sex for a few weeks - this is your insecurity speaking - you need to talk to him about how you are feeling to.

I had youngest at 33 - I got stretch marks with the first two pg - honestly there was no additional adverse stuff from having 3rd at 33.

My weight was no worse afterwards than before - dropped off when I stopped bf same as previous pg.

shelley72 Sun 15-Sep-13 12:17:48

Hmm , because obviously you got pregnant all by yourself confused.

I do think that you need to speak to somebody though, just because you sound like you could do with some support, you're not thinking rationally and your hormones are all over the place.

Congratulations on your pregnancy!

dirtyface Sun 15-Sep-13 12:09:45

how depressing

futtheshuckup - i know sad its horrible, i feel like an awful person for feeling like this. i should be grateful to be having a baby and for the kids i already have and should stop being such a twat

but i am just being eaten up by insecurity and abnormal thoughts

also DH and I have not had sex for about 4 weeks (actually probably was about the time we found out i was preg) as i actually can't bear him near me. i don't even like him looking at me because i feel like he is lying when he says i am sexy etc. and also cos i feel so ill i don't want sex as well. plus the other dcs are being particularly demanding at the mo so we just never seem to get any time to ourselves anyway

but that lack of sex in turn makes me more insecure cos the more sex dh and i have the better our relationship is. so then i worry that cos our relationship is not great atm he will look elsewhere :/ and he is really good looking and he is the singer in a band so he is out performing in front of loads of people and women all dressed up when miserable, boring, pregnant, hormonal me who never gives him sex is sat at home with the kids. if he fucks off with someone better than me its my own fault

Dahlen Sun 15-Sep-13 12:03:50

Have you considered that you may be suffering from a touch of antenatal depression, brought on as a result of hormones acting on your body insecurities? Please mention how you're feeling to your midwife, who can get you some help. It's all well and good being able to rationalise this - you can do exercises, minimise weight gain, a partner who loves you won't care, etc - but if none of that resonates with your subconscious, it won't make you feel any better. The fact that your OP sounds so defeated already makes me think you need some specialist help to deal with this. That's nothing to be ashamed of - it shows a capable woman taking control of her situation before it becomes unmanageable.

FutTheShuckUp Sun 15-Sep-13 11:41:40

Life moves on. People change, time moves on. We can't have the same looks as when we were teenagers. If people can't accept that they need to work on it.

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