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To expect SAHD DH to do more now that both dc are in school

(105 Posts)
lecce Sun 15-Sep-13 08:13:12

I am just wondering what is UR here and want to see what others think and do.

There are two dc, 6 & 4, both now in f/t school. Dh has always done the laundry, cooked pretty much all meals (from scratch), done nearly all dog walking, changed our bed (but not dc's), done other general cleaning and gardening. He also does DIY when needed and takes care of financial stuff and anything to do with the car, though I am its main driver.

I get up at 5am to be in work for 6.30, 2 hours before school starts, and am usually home by 5-5.30, except for meeting nights etc. Sun- Thurs I usually do 1-2 hours' work after the dc are in bed. I put the dc to bed (though dh does ds2's story) and do the dog's final walk. I sweep the sitting room floor after the dc are in bed. At weekends I tidy and clean the dc's bedrooms and do the bathrooms - dh sometimes does these but tends to do stuff like mopping the floor without sweeping properly first, so it looks really crummy.

I am now starting to resent having to do anything other than childcare, tbh. There are lots of things that, although dh does them, he doesn't do thoroughly and the house just looks a bit mucky - though all essential stuff is done.

In case I am later accused of drip-feeding, Dh has MS but he is fine atm. If unwell, none of this would apply, obviously. He also does some online marking of exams at home, but only at certain times of year. I expect to do more when he is doing this, of course.

WIBU to speak to him about this?

RedHelenB Sun 15-Sep-13 08:21:51

Could you afford a cleaner? Or maybe if you aren't earning much in the job you do, switch to one where you get more time at home might be an option?

cathpip Sun 15-Sep-13 08:25:33

I wouldn't like to clean bathrooms and kids bedrooms if my other half did not work either, but what's the point in cleaning to a standard that you think is acceptable if your other half is only going to redo it. That would piss me off no end.....

Lilacroses Sun 15-Sep-13 08:27:59

I don't blame you for feeling fed up as you are doing alot. However, I work PT and my Dp works full time. Obviously I do alot more of the cleaning, tidying, washing etc. The thing is she is more fussy about how things are done so will often re do stuff. I don't feel too terrible about that as we have always been diffeent in that way. Plus I cook every single meal and always have.

McNewPants2013 Sun 15-Sep-13 08:28:58

What is the point of him doing it if you are going to redo it.

What is he doing while you're cleaning st the weekend? And how much free time do you each get?
If you want him to do more, is there anything he would find more enjoyable / be better for your family than cleaning? Some kind of work from home job?

Artandco Sun 15-Sep-13 08:30:24

I don't think one should have to do everything even if at home. It sounds like he does a fair bit. Assuming he spends until 9.30am ish sorting kids and stuff and taking to school and back, and from 2.30pm is heading to pick them up with afternoon on homework/ taking them out. 5 hrs a day but he does cooking/ DIY/ most cleaning/dog walking/ garden..

I think that sounds fine. Maybe get a cleaner if you can afford to do a deep clean every week or two

christinarossetti Sun 15-Sep-13 08:31:37

Could you afford a cleaner?

I would ne pissed off in your position, but would rather avoid discussions about my dh's standard of cleaning etc.

Otherwise, you need to talk it through with him.

Finola1step Sun 15-Sep-13 08:31:59

Is this one of those reverse AIBU? If not, it would appear that you are suggesting that you should do no housework whatsoever. In the home you share with your family. But you're not satisfied with your dh's cleaning standards. Poor bloke can't do right for doing wrong. The children should be helping to tidy their own rooms.

I have a good friend whose husband has a high powered job in the city. Comes home every night in a grump because the house isn't tidy (to his standards). Only lifts a finger to help grudgingly. The constant sighs etc are really wearing her down. He wants to come home and relax in a neat and tidy home. She wants a home that they all feel relaxed in. They barely talk to each other now in the evenings.

What exactly do you think your DH should be doing now?

JoinYourPlayfellows Sun 15-Sep-13 08:32:06

YANBU to expect him to do more work at home now that he has more time at home when he hasn't got childcare to do.

I'm not sure that translates to you having no jobs other than childcare in the house, but certainly cleaning the bathrooms every weekend seems a bit rubbish if one of you is at home during school hours with no children to care for.

Binkyridesagain Sun 15-Sep-13 08:33:41

Can he physically do any more? Considering fatigue is one of the biggest issues with people with MS, I think he does his fair share

superbagpuss Sun 15-Sep-13 08:35:50

get a cleaner

my dh is a sahd and DC have just started reception but I still wouldn't stop my cleaner

it means I know the kitchen and bathroom get a proper clean once a week and it helps dh stay tidy

PareyMortas Sun 15-Sep-13 08:37:27

I think he's doing his fair share.

Get a cleaner if you don't think his cleaning is up to your standards.

somersethouse Sun 15-Sep-13 08:41:11

It sounds like he does a LOT! To me anyway. He keeps the household going and probably deserves a bit of slack now both children are at school for the first time.
The house is going to be a bit messy with a 4 year old and a 6 year old.

If you don't like the way he mops the floor and re-do it then that is your business.


paperclipsarebetterthanstaples Sun 15-Sep-13 08:46:03

I think it depends on standards - if he thinks a quick clean is enough but you want show home standards then you need to find a compromise. So if floors and bathrooms are important / your bugbears then you could do those but swap for jobs you like less - he could do the kids' beds for example.

Me and DP both work so we share housework but try to bag jobs we hate the least. We often trade too (but we're childish) so "I'll do the washing up for a week if you get up both weekend mornings" / I'll make the pack ups for lunch if you do this shitty nappy ...

pinkdelight Sun 15-Sep-13 08:49:34

Sounds like there's a lot of cleaning going on one way another - sweeping the floor every night etc. Seems to me you have v high standards that mean you might as well get a cleaner. Or I just wouldn't do the extra cleaning at the w/e. I bet your house is still pretty clean. Your dh sounds like he does a lot.

Dededum Sun 15-Sep-13 08:50:29

You discount his MS with a word 'he's ok now'. I assume he has relapsing remitting MS and he is in remission. I have MS though mine is progressive.
As you know MS never goes away, can be benign. It's hard to understand as an outsider, but maybe although he is in remission he still suffers from fatigue?

I wonder if this is not about cleaning but really MS. He is not working, to do you resent that? You'd have to be a saint not too. Is there a part of you which thinks it is all a bit of joke?

Buttercup4 Sun 15-Sep-13 08:51:10

Get a cleaner. Your DH does a lot, the cleaner could cover your bits and get your DH's bits up to scratch

Morgause Sun 15-Sep-13 08:51:50

I agree with those who say get a cleaner. YABU.

Bowlersarm Sun 15-Sep-13 08:55:07

Hmmm. Reverse it. If you were posting from the opposite viewpoint ie you were the SAHM and your DH resented doing any housework apart from childcare everyone would be piling in calling him all sorts of names.

Also in the reverse scenario if your DH didn't think your housework was done to his exacting standards, everyone would be telling him to do it himself then!

Bowlersarm Sun 15-Sep-13 08:56:04 YABU, if my post was unclear.

Get a cleaner and stop resenting him.

JoinYourPlayfellows Sun 15-Sep-13 09:00:06

"Sounds like there's a lot of cleaning going on one way another - sweeping the floor every night etc."

Does sweeping the floor every night count as A LOT OF CLEANING?

I do that and I am a lazy slattern and my house is usually a total pigsty,

This is the first time in my life I've ever felt like I had standards grin

Lilacroses Sun 15-Sep-13 09:05:53

Great post Joinyourplayfellows! That's sort of about where I'm at! We are super excited because at present we have ONE really tidy room! Today we are going to try making that TWO!

QuintessentialShadows Sun 15-Sep-13 09:07:05

I would resent all this sweeping. Could you get a vacuum cleaner? Would make mopping a lot easier.

Twooter Sun 15-Sep-13 09:08:48

You sound as though you're starting to treat him like an employee who is bad at their job. Most people with an employer that critical would try to change jobs. Don't expect him to spend all day every day cleaning - it would be soul destroying. The only way to cope with being a sahp without loosing your sanity is to have other interests and activities.

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