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IABTotallyU... Flame away, get me a grip

(71 Posts)
WeAreSix Sat 14-Sep-13 08:36:09

I've woken up in the vilest of moods. Grumpy, snappy, want to hide from the world and not see or speak to anyone.

DH in particular is winding me up. I just want him to STFU and leave me alone to fester.

My defence is that I'm exhaused. I feel like I'm sitting on the edge of everything, ready to tip over into a breakdown. DD4 is 13mo and doesn't sleep unless I co-sleep and then she will sleep 2 -4 hours.

DH is a sleepwalker which is brought on by over-tiredness and stress. He's been sleeping in the spare room for months, we've slept in the same bed a handful of times in the last year, but since the last night terror when he punched me the move seems permanent. It has to be like this while DD co-sleeps but it also means he's sleeping full nights while I deal with DD and the other DCs who always come to me in the night if they've had bad dream etc.

If I'm honest I'm jealous of the amount he gets to sleep while I'm surviving on bog all, I've been up since 6am with the DCs as he's 'tired from stressful week at work'.

Please give me a good shake, snap me out of this shitty mood, give me a grip etc. I chose to be a mummy, this is what I signed up for...

missalien Sat 14-Sep-13 09:15:40

I stand by my advice then ! Shhhh pat method and put her in her own cot and get a night sleep !!

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Sat 14-Sep-13 09:17:06

Yes you chose to be a mum and to have four DCs but not like this. H needs to step up. You can't exist and function like this. No wonder torturers use sleep deprivation as a technique. Together review what he is doing to alleviate his stress. Just oodles of sleep alone isn't enough. Work out how he can take over early duties on weekends. You need your wits about you looking after DCs let alone driving and when you start that new job you'll really need proper rest.

Have you asked for suggestions on easing DD out of co-sleeping in MN Sleep (part of Body + Soul section)?

picniclady Sat 14-Sep-13 09:18:36

Tripecity - normally I would say of course dh should share night duty, but as he sleep walks and has night terrors it could be dangerous to dcs. As an example, when I used to do this a few years ago I was staying with my sister, woke during an episode of a night terror and thought she was an intruder - I was aggressively screaming at her to get out and asking who she was - I had my eyes open but was still asleep.

Op will be able to say whether her dh is a liability like this, but I thought he'd punched her during a night terror? That's why I didn't think he should be on duty at night...

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Sat 14-Sep-13 09:23:17

Financially too there's something amiss if H's 'excellent' salary is not stretching as it should. Of course there are benefits to working apart from salary but if that's the driving factor at least try and sit down and see where the money goes. Hard to concentrate when dropping with fatigue obviously.

WeAreSix Sat 14-Sep-13 09:41:07

Have tried talking to him. He says he doesn't know what more he can do. He does enough - giving me space this morning, he's hoovered what more do I want?

I can't do this any more sad

IneedAsockamnesty Sat 14-Sep-13 09:43:01

Night terrors only happen when your asleep.

Nothing stopping DH not going to sleep a few times so he can do his bit

Dubjackeen Sat 14-Sep-13 09:50:45

Poor you. YANBU. Your husband is. Can he take the children out for a while today so that you can rest? I know it won't solve anything long term, but at least if you have slept, you will feel a bit better. Is your husband willing to discuss any other avenues re handling the night terrors? That must be difficult for you, and for the children also.

RevoltingPeasant Sat 14-Sep-13 10:03:22

OP it seems to me your DH can do two things

1 he can take the sleep sedation meds. I don't like taking meds and avoid them where possible. But then I don't have small Dc I'm terrifying at night and a partner I'm shoving all the night work onto. What are the side effects or medical risks of sleep sedation? If he can tolerate it for a couple of years he could help,out with DD.

2 he can set his alarm - yes alarm as he doesn't seem to wake to DD crying - for six and get up her both weekend days leaving you to sleep till eight or nine.

You are making sacrifices of a similar magnitude, after all.

However, honestly? I'd wean DD and have her in her own bed. She is old enough that I don't think there are health detriments to stopping now and anyhow you have to balance those agonist the detriment to your health of carrying on like this.

One month - wean. Next month - pat and shush or similar to,get her in her own bed. That's 8-10 weeks if it works and then you could be sleeping better.

WeAreSix Sat 14-Sep-13 10:16:58

He won't take the meds because of side effects - hangover type feeling & possible lack of concentration in the days. Neither are acceptable at work.

Weaning. I'm trying to find a milk DD will drink, so far she spits everything out. The only other option I can think of is expressing and getting DH to cup feed for a while and only offering water in the night. That's if DH will help at night.

springydafty Sat 14-Sep-13 10:22:29

He won't take the meds? He thinks he's doing you a huge favour to be hoovering? He moreorless tells you, despite his good salary, that you have to go out to work? He's sounding the liability here. I don't know what you're going to do because you are so sleep deprived you probably find it hard to make a sandwich, let alone tackle him.

I'd say taking the meds is the first thing. No, he doesn't have a choice, not if you're taking the full brunt of the kids and his sleep disorder. Then look at your spending, really sit down and tot everything up, what you're spending your money on.

I'm not liking the sound of him tbh. But maybe that's the mood I'm in. What idiot doesn't see that you are going out of your mind with sleep-deprivation while he's lording it about, 'making' you go out to work when you're half off your head, gracing you with a bit of hoovering like he's wonderful? He sounds like a PITA, a liability all round tbh.

nennypops Sat 14-Sep-13 10:23:13

Can he at least take the meds at weekends? Surely if he isn't sleep walking and getting night terrors ultimately it means better quality sleep, therefore less accumulated exhaustion?

springydafty Sat 14-Sep-13 10:23:26

If he won't take the meds then he has to step up BIG TIME in other ways. Doing the hoovering is not big time.

Minnieisthedevilmouse Sat 14-Sep-13 10:27:00

You signed up for kids and joint parenting. If you aren't getting that deal he has to step up. Or the relationship is doomed.

If your doing all child care, all bills, all food, all there's left is earning money and I'm betting you could do that too. You get to a point of asking what is he providing?

You need to see money. Sorry but something isn't smelling right. Either a lot of Starbucks type extras going on which you need to cut back on or something else? Online gambling....?

feebeecat Sat 14-Sep-13 10:28:08

Another who agrees he can't do much during the night as you could never trust what he might unintentionally do to OP or the dc.

What is going to happen when you go back to work - will he be looking after dc evenings/weekends? If so, this might be the time to start a 'new routine' and give you a break for a few hours?

WeAreSix Sat 14-Sep-13 10:33:58

I have full access to all finances. It's just general crapness on both parts and overspending. Nothing dodgy. His wages are excellent on paper, but by the time you take off tax, pension, mortgage and bills there's not a lot left. We just don't manage that bit well. My fault probably more than his.

Our relationship does need looking at. I've been there, done that. I've tried to make changes, threatened to leave. We just slip back into our own normal and end up going round in circles.

Me going back to work may redress the balance. He wo t have any choice then, if I'm working a 12 hour shift on a Saturday he will have sole charge of the DCs, and hopefully will then be more understanding.

TwoStepsBeyond Sat 14-Sep-13 10:41:14

He was offered something to help with the night terrors but he declined? That needs sorting out, it can't go on indefinitely if it leaves you exhausted, he's probably not getting a proper restful sleep either, so less able to help you in the morning. He needs to at least try the medication he was offered, otherwise he's condemning you to separate beds and the children being afraid of him at night forever.

CSIJanner Sat 14-Sep-13 10:41:46

YANBU - I cosleep and have the disturbed nights with exhaustion. DH sleeps in the other room as he works but he takes over if I need him to in the daytime (useless at night)

Hand him the toddler, give him and kiss on the cheek and have a nap. If he has the full nights and can't be trusted, the least he can do is take over the daytime care as you catch up on some sleep.

CSIJanner Sat 14-Sep-13 10:44:13

Oh - and my DH was supposed to offer expressed milk in a cup, kept putting it off. In the end, the toddler watched bigger sibling and wanted to join in. Still wants BF but will take cows milk. Mine has now practically dropped daytime feeds bar one, then cluster feeds before sleep...

WeAreSix Sat 14-Sep-13 11:03:47

CSI -DC3 was just the same. She started stealing siblings milk cups at bed time and self-weaned at 17mo. She'd dropped daytime feeds before that.

DD4 is an absolute boob monster. Still wants (but doesn't always get!) 3 feeds in day, and can wake hourly in the night <yawn>

I'm feeling more awake now, and a little more rational! DH isn't speaking to me much now. Not sure if I'm being ignored or if he's avoiding any confrontation confused

IneedAsockamnesty Sat 14-Sep-13 11:14:50

I'm not sure I get all this if he can help stuff.

If he won't deal with the night terrors then he will just have to stay awake a few times just the same as you have to when the kids are disturbed.

You don't get a choice you just do it.

And he's not helping you out he's doing whats expected of a parent

WeAreSix Sat 14-Sep-13 13:35:59

I don't get it either sock

DH chased promotion, he got it and now he's always stressed, tired, negative. I don't really know what happened to the lovely man I married.

TwoAndTwoEqualsChaos Sat 14-Sep-13 13:48:32

YANBU, WeAreSix. Lack of sleep makes even the most rational of us crazy and I was never that calm to start with and you are grappling with small children, long days and your DH's problems. Even without your DH's sleep issues, you'd have had a lot on your plate. Xxx

watchingout Sat 14-Sep-13 14:00:26

Weekends are made up of two potential lie-ins. So that's one each. Simple.

And eventually, when DC are bigger, you get back to sharing BOTH lie-ins with your DH

Andro Sat 14-Sep-13 14:25:24

He won't take the meds?

He was offered something to help with the night terrors but he declined?

I obviously don't know what job OP's DH does, but there are some jobs where taking sedatives would make work unsafe. Depending on the sedative, it can take many hours for the active metabolite to clear a person's system (some of the benzodiazepines for example can take over 15 hours for half the active metabolite to be excreted) - driving/using heavy machinery/anything where rapid reactions are needed would be potentially dangerous.

DorothyMantooth Sat 14-Sep-13 17:03:13

YADNBU. I only have one almost 6-month old, and last month found myself becoming exhausted, irrational and frantic because I was doing all of the night wakings (BFing) and taking all responsbility for housework, studying for a masters and trying to organise a house move. My fault, as I am quite the control freak, and I didn't want to bother DH who is having a stressful time with his work (for which he needs to be fully alert and intellectually active). I finally had a bit of a hissy fit and said I couldn't cope, and DH immediately insisted on taking over most of the housework and now gets up with DD when she wakes at 6 every morning, allowing me an extra hour in bed. It's not much in terms of time and doesn't really make a dent in the sleep I'm losing, but since we've started this I have felt so much more able to cope. Maybe it's just having that little bit of time to just do what I want (sleep), but really I think it's just knowing that we're in it together. Couldn't DH do the morning stuff until he needs to get ready for work, even just for the baby? How old are your other kids? Are they able to get themselves dressed? Could DH sort out their breakfast so that you can have half an hour to sleep/take a long shower?

I don't think this is just a practical problem though, it is concerning that your DH isn't more prepared to put himself out to support you. What would he think about some kind of relationship counselling? Maybe he'd reflect more on your situation if he was talking to a third, independent person?

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