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To be disappointed with/for my DD?

(84 Posts)
Wuldric Thu 12-Sep-13 20:07:51

DD (15) is super sporty. Throughout her school career she has played the major school sports (hockey, netball and tennis). She does very well at school level and is in fact captain of all three teams. She is a pretty nifty swimmer too.

Her PE teachers from age 6 onwards have tried to encourage her to join clubs to pursue these sports slightly more seriously. DD has flatly, but flatly refused to go to them all. 'Mum, I don't want to get up at 5am to go to a pool.' 'Mum, I cannot be arsed with going to a hockey club and having to be all jolly hockey sticks'. 'Mum, I don't want to go to netball trials, I'd rather watch TV.'

If you are an over eager and enthusiastic type of parent, wanting to encourage all latent potential, this attitude of DD's has been pretty incomprehensible. Until last week, when she decided to go to netball trials. She chose the premier club in the area, with lots of England players and players in something called a Superleague. Not the friendly pootling club close by. So this was a bit of a huge step. Also, go figure, some of these girls have been training intensively since the age of 10. By 15 they are hardened veterans. They have calves that are as big, hard and muscled as tree-trunks. I gulp, try to be enthusiastic and supportive, and take her to the trials. There are 60 girls all experienced netballers, aiming for 12 or 13 places.

She aces these flipping trials. She is a shooter and every shot went in, from every angle, under pressure from vastly more experienced defenders. She works her third of the court tirelessly as well. So she gets a place. The coach comes across and tells me she cannot believe in DD's talent and that DD is the most exciting prospect she has seen for years.

The training is tonight. I arrange time off work to take her to the training (it is too complicated and difficult to go on public transport). I get home in time and she announces that she'd really rather just 'slob out' and she cannot be bothered with training or in fact ever going again.

I am gutted for DD. I kind of feel that she has all this talent, but that she is just letting it all go to waste. Why would you just ... not bother?

Sorry this is a bit epic and reading it back it sounds like stealth boasting. It isn't it is just genuine - why would she just not bother. Have we not found the right sport for her?

AnythingNotEverything Thu 12-Sep-13 20:11:49

Is she secretly worried about failure?

Is she shy and worried about not making friends?

My DS is similar (although not exceptional!) and it's so frustrating trying to get him to give something a go when he could be great!

Hassled Thu 12-Sep-13 20:12:20

Is it actually a self-esteem thing? Maybe she doesn't have the faith in her abilities to be confident that she will continue to do well? Easier to not try than to try and fail - could it be that?

I can see why you're frustrated - I think I would be. But, as you know, there's bugger all you can do about it.

runawaysimba Thu 12-Sep-13 20:15:14

Has she already missed training? My DD's still only young, but when I was 15 I would get shy about showing up to new stuff like that, and say I'd rather just hang out at home. I'd be forced/guilt-tripped into going, and would invariably end up loving it. It was just a matter of getting over that first hurdle of being afraid of being the new girl.

cardibach Thu 12-Sep-13 20:15:34

There could be a confidence issue, but if she was as good as the trials as it appears I'm not sure why...
I'd be disappointed with her, not for her. SHe has talent, she has opportunity, and she won't use either. Ask her what she will put on UCAS/job applications.

bundaberg Thu 12-Sep-13 20:16:28

maybe she enjoys it and.... that's it???

ok, she has talent. that doesn't mean she HAS to go on to become a professional at a sport.
leave her alone to find her own way. let her enjoy playing her sports and benefiting from that.

Dogonabeanbag Thu 12-Sep-13 20:16:48

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ehhn Thu 12-Sep-13 20:16:58

I would force her to go three times and then she can quit. That way, if its nerves etc then she will have time to get over it. If she's genuinely half-arsed the she can give up. Bribe her with something special for the end of go 3.

I was forced to do a whole bunch of stuff I didn't want to as was shy. After 3 goes could give up. Some things I kept on, some things I quit, but I did it because of like/dislike rather than fear resulting in doing nothing.

Dogonabeanbag Thu 12-Sep-13 20:17:24

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TartyMcTart Thu 12-Sep-13 20:17:46

I take it you're going to make her go?

waltzingmathilda Thu 12-Sep-13 20:18:05

Shes not bothered - let her live her life and stop living vicariously through her

fieldfare Thu 12-Sep-13 20:18:26

I'd be telling her that she damn well had to go anyway, whether she felt like it or not. She took that place from someone that really, honestly DID want it and by not turning up she's being very rude, lazy and disrespectful both to you having to take time off work for no reason and to the team members!

BuggerLumpsAnnoyed Thu 12-Sep-13 20:19:18

She might be good but maybe doesnt paticularly enjoy it. If shes captain of all those school teams maybe she has enough on her plate.

MammaTJ Thu 12-Sep-13 20:19:39

From the title, I was going to come here and tell you off for daring to be disappointed with your DD. I see your point though!

I was pretty against th idea of school activities out of school time, but this sounds pretty awesome! No small task to have got in there! So not a good idea to have given it up so easily! Can you gt her to imagine how the person she was up against will feel like right now for being rejected?

BuggerLumpsAnnoyed Thu 12-Sep-13 20:20:10

Especially at her age with GCSE's looming

bundaberg Thu 12-Sep-13 20:22:36

surprised at the responses on here!

i am sure the club have a list of people waiting who they will offer the place to.

you'd really force your child to do something they don't want to just for the sake of it?

thefirstmrsrochester Thu 12-Sep-13 20:23:05

Absolutely agree with Ehhn
Broker a deal with her, she gives it her best shot, and if its not for her, well, she has at least tried.
I'd imagine it would be daunting for her, having never been on the scene previously, to be thrust into the middle of a team who have maybe trained together and played against each other for years.
From the outside, it's like she is looking a gift horse in the mouth. From her pov, she might be feeling like the outsider muscling in.
She sounds like an incredibly talented girl.

pinkdelight Thu 12-Sep-13 20:24:12

A lot of the time, whether its sport or the arts or business, it's the dedication and commitment that makes the massive difference, not so much the god given talent. It sounds like she just doesn't have the hunger it takes to 'make it' which is a shame in a way, but in another way it's fine and she'll have a more balanced life. As long as she's not envious of success or regretful about the path not taken, and understands the pros and cons then it's probably the right decision. Lots of people aren't massively driven and it sounds like your dd is one of them. She can still enjoy the sport.

3boys3dogshelp Thu 12-Sep-13 20:26:39

I'd be feeling pretty cross if I was her mum tonight - you have rearranged work around her and she can't be bothered?? The fact that she has talent probably makes it more frustrating for you but is irrelevant really. That is not a good attitude towards you or the club and as a pp says it is very unfair on a girl who went home gutted last week that she just missed out. I have younger boys so I am in no way having a dig at you, but I know what my parents would have said to me when I was 15 and it wouldn't have been pretty!

Wuldric Thu 12-Sep-13 20:26:47

I think that part of the issue is that she went to these trials with a school friend (the GK on the school team) and the friend didn't get in. We did talk about this being possible - what happens if friend gets in and you don't - will you be pleased for her and encourage her? And vice versa. The ideal solution would have been for both to get in or both not to get in.

mrspremise Thu 12-Sep-13 20:27:20

Sometimes things SHOULD be 'just for fun', without heaps of pressure being piled on, whether it's deliberate or not...

SubliminalMassaging Thu 12-Sep-13 20:28:08

Is netball going to make her rich or famous?

Can you name even one of the world's most successful netball players?

She's obviously just not that into it, or she needs to grow up a bit and learn about commitment. but frankly if the worst thing she'd doing is blowing the chance of a great career in er...netball hmm I could rest easy with that.

Squitten Thu 12-Sep-13 20:29:31

I would also broker a deal for her to try it out and then quit if she wants.

The problem with teens, as far as I can see, is that they would barely get out of their beds if they weren't forced! Sports are something you have to do while you're young - she won't get another opportunity when she's 30. How much worse to look back on it with regret that she never even tried?

You certainly can't force it long-term but this could be a life-changing opportunity so I would encourage her to at least try

SubliminalMassaging Thu 12-Sep-13 20:30:09

sorry I didn't mean that to sound quite as aresy as it sounded, but I don't really get this desire to push your children in sport. They'll do it if they want to do it. Either way, it's pretty unlikely to earn them a living and is therefore low down on my priorities of things to badger your children about.

SubliminalMassaging Thu 12-Sep-13 20:30:28


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