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AIBU?

to take whatever help I can get?

43 replies

awakemysoull · 12/09/2013 11:37

I have DD1 who is 4 and DD2 who is 12 weeks.

I am very lucky that I have a family who are fantastic and not too far away. I get no help at all from DP but that's a whole other thread.

Once a week or so my mum or gran offer to take dd1 for the day to give me a break. She usually ends up staying overnight. Dd1 is an angel. She Is no bother at all but like any 4 year old she needs entertained and is very energetic. Dd2 is quite challenging at the moment. She's not sleeping that well and I'm quite tired. My family taking dd1 means I get the chance to nap/do housework/watch telly /go to the supermarket without having to worry about entertaining dd1 and having dd2 crying etc. I am more than capable of taking 2 children out by myself and do it on a regular basis. Sometimes it's nice to get a shopping done in 'peace' though.

My friends think it's awful that I 'palm dd1 off to whoever will have her' and that I am 'clearly not coping with 2 children so I should go to social services and ask for help' I also 'don't have a bond with DD1 because she goes to her grandparents house once a week. She loves going to her grandparents house and they love having her.

Now I know I'm coping fine. I honestly am I am getting on great and love being a mum. These friends are childless and hate children. They don't understand why anybody wants a family and it just seems they are willing me to fail all the time. If I feel a bit down they are first to text telling me I've got PND and I need to go to the docs. I don't have PND. I know this because I had it after the birth of dd1 and it is awful. I feel so much better this time.

I'm rambling a bit now so this is the point -

AIBU to let DD1 stay with her grandparents or great grandparents once a week (sometimes less)? She never misses nursery they always take her if she stays during the week. They are offering me help I'm not asking for it. Am I taking the piss a bit?

OP posts:
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AngryFeet · 12/09/2013 11:38

Your friends are twats and seemingly your DH is too. Lucky you have some good people around you in the form of your mum and grandmother.

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AngryFeet · 12/09/2013 11:39

Oh and get some new friends. Most of my friends were child free when I had mine and they were lovely and supportive as was I to them when they had their own.

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FetchezLaVache · 12/09/2013 11:42

I think you need to cut your friends loose tbh- they sound vile. Before I slate them too much, does either of them have any professional credentials that allow them to make a firm diagnosis of PND? Or are they just regular members of the "I know more than you do about everything, regardless of your personal experience and my lack thereof" brigade?

I'm glad you have such a strong support network, otoh. Initially I assumed their comments were born of jealousy!

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MrsMangoBiscuit · 12/09/2013 11:43

Tell your "friends" to either stop talking shit, or fuck off. Martyrs don't make good parents, and it sounds like you're doing a grand job as you are.

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MyNameIsLola · 12/09/2013 11:48

YANBU and your friends are ridiculous.

My MIL takes my toddler for a day most weeks and I have a 7 week old too. She did the same before the baby was born too just because she enjoys spending time with her DGC.

Your friends a probably a bit Envy that you have a lovely, supportive family.

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haventgotaclue · 12/09/2013 11:49

Your friends are ridiculous. Ignore them.

And why do they think its better to go to SS to get help rather than your family? How bizarre!

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awakemysoull · 12/09/2013 11:49

Thanks for the replies.

They have no professional credentials at all. They know everything about everything and have no experience of children at all. They are the first to tell me what I'm doing wrong though.

I didn't think there was anything wrong with getting help from my parents etc and they are more than happy to help out. They are even taking dd2 on Saturday night so I can have my first night out since she was born. I'm looking forward to it x

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Editededition · 12/09/2013 11:50

YAabsolutelyNBU

I am guessing that your friends don't have the same sort of family dynamic that you enjoy (not everyone does, and each to their own) but I know of several children who -over the years- have enjoyed spending a day and night at GPs once a week.
Some just to give Mum a break
Some so that the parent could do those things which really aren't easy with children in tow (highlights/pedicures/dentists) and knew it was always OK to book them for a Friday because child would always be at Granny's.
Some because parents enjoy date nights
Some because it is just a really nice thing to do when you have a close GP/GC bond.

No-one would bat an eyelid if the child was in nursery for that day each week! sleeping over is just a treat for the child, as a bonus.

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YourHandInMyHand · 12/09/2013 11:50

YANBU

It's sounds like your DD1 will enjoy a bit of grandparent time having attention heaped on her, and llike you say, it gives you a little bit of time with less pressure.

Your friends sound like they want you to be struggling Hmm - they don't sound like very good friends to me.

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Snoopingforsoup · 12/09/2013 11:50

You're doing great and have a fab network who can help you out.

There's nothing worse than childless mates telling you how to raise your kids; I know, mine tried it and as soon as they had their own kids, they realised and have made several comments with reference to their previously shabby / ignorant behaviour.

Try and mix with a few other mums for a while. You at least have the kids in common and hopefully you'll find a couple of like-minded souls to keep you sane while your old crowd carry on being idiots.

They won't always be childless themselves and you can have a good laugh reminding them about what they said..

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Sammie101 · 12/09/2013 11:53

Your friends don't sound like friends at all, you sound like a fantastic mum! Once a week at her grandparents house is normal, and it's natural that you want to have a break!

Ignore them, they're not worth your friendship Smile

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oldgrandmama · 12/09/2013 11:59

WHAT? I have a little granddaughter once a week and she often stays the night. And in school holidays, and sometimes at weekends, I have her and her two siblings, and sometimes even my son's two kids, all at the same time (five kids!) I love it, the kids love it, and my daughter, and my sweet daughter in law, get a break.
Your 'friends' sound toxic and stupid - ignore them. Sounds like you're doing a great job.

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jacks365 · 12/09/2013 12:01

So your dd1 is getting to spend 1 day a week with grandma/ great grandma and the issue is?

Seriously its good for children to build a connection with family like this. I agree with others you need new friends.

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JessieMcJessie · 12/09/2013 12:01

Change your friends.

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Dobbiesmum · 12/09/2013 12:02

Most of my friends are childless and will happily carry one of mine off at the drop of a hat for an hour or 3 so I can get some rest! You need new friends, it sounds like you've outgrown this bunch.
My eldest goes to stay with his grandparents once a week and has done since he was old enough to pester ask to do it. He's now 12 yo.
As for calling SS, to tell them what? That you have loving family who will happily entertain your children while you have a break? Your youngest is 12 weeks old ffs! Social Services would laugh them off the face of the planet. The next time one of them suggests PND ask them when they qualified as a Doctor..
YANBU

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treadheavily · 12/09/2013 12:03

Your friends are silly fuckers who need replacing

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Distrustinggirlnow · 12/09/2013 12:21

Your friends are being ridiculous and actually quite disrespectful t.

It is a huge treat for kids to go the their grandparents. To stay over is even better Smile
You have lovely DP. My DC were always at my DM bungalow. They loved it and they now have such fond memories of her now that she has sadly passed. Please don't deny your DC this lovely extended family time on the strength of some idiots who don't have a f'ing clue what they're talking about.

You're doing a great job.

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dreamingbohemian · 12/09/2013 12:29

YANBU

My DS spends one day/night a week with his grandparents most weeks, and has done for the last 2 years, since he was 1. Originally it was to give us a break (sleep deprivation for a year!) but he is so happy there and his grandparents love having him. It's not about palming him off, it honestly makes me so happy to see how much joy they bring each other.

I spent a lot of time with my grandparents when I was young and it's a lovely bond to have. So tell your friends to fuck off.

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jimijack · 12/09/2013 12:34

This made me giggle.
However,
fuck them, nowt to do with them, not their child or their family, not their problem. fuck them off.

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BoffinMum · 12/09/2013 12:38

FFS they are being RIDICULOUS. Who the hell can cope properly, all the time, absolutely perfectly in a tireless and saintly manner with even one child yet alone two? And what is wrong with sharing kids around a bit? It's what we were meant to do biologically. This nonsense about one woman coping single handed all day long in a house on her own is 20th century bollocks. It sounds like you and your family are enjoying all sharing the load and it is nobody else's business at all.

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YeahWhat · 12/09/2013 12:39

YANBU

Sounds like a lovely arrangement for everyone involved.

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redexpat · 12/09/2013 12:40

It's frustrating when people don't realise how functional a family can be.

It's also very frustrating when people think you aren't coping when you know you are. The advantage is that it tells you that this friendship has run it's course, and it's time to move on to normal unjealous people

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PrimalLass · 12/09/2013 12:44

Your friends are arseholes. LTbitches.

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dreamingbohemian · 12/09/2013 12:49

Actually -- just a thought though. You say your DP doesn't help at all. Could that be colouring your friends' opinions? Like maybe they think your kids wouldn't have to go to anyone else if your DP was doing his share.

That doesn't excuse what they said, but it's just so strange that friends would say such things, I'm just wondering why they're being so judgy.

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Squitten · 12/09/2013 12:53

Your friends sound nasty!

Sounds like your issues with why you get no help from your DP need addressing too

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