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to be a bit miffed at their ready acceptance of this new relationship?

(95 Posts)
Liltzero Wed 11-Sep-13 09:07:53

For many years 3 couples and their children holidayed each year in Scotland. This year's holiday was cancelled because my STBXH and one of the other wives decided that they were in love and started a relationship (awkward!).

So now 2 divorces are proceeding, homes have been divided and sold and 4 children are getting used to the idea that their Mums and Dads are separated.

I discover yesterday evening that STBXH and new girlfriend are planning another holiday in Scotland with their respective children. Fair enough - but what got me annoyed was that couple number 3 are joining them!

AIBU to think that couple no. 3s ready acceptance of this relationship is disrespectful of both me and the dumped husband? They know about the considerable distress the breakdown of our marriages has caused us.

AmberLeaf Wed 11-Sep-13 10:49:08

I agree with squoosh/artofficial.

I can see why you're pissed off with couple n3 and I think Id distance myself from them.

Halfling Wed 11-Sep-13 10:56:43

This will not make any of the affected DCs happy.

If anything, they will be even more miserable because of the absence of the other parent.

Don't send your DCs to this holiday.

Alwayscheerful Wed 11-Sep-13 10:56:56

Couple no 3 would have shown more compassion to arrange a holiday with you and your children and the other husband and his children.

I think they made a selfish decision to carry on as if nothing has changed.

Someone mentioned the lack of social rules for rearranging friendships post divorce, hopefully you won't be joining them when you have a new partner!

I feel for you OP, try and start a new tradition with your children.

Liltzero Wed 11-Sep-13 10:57:14

*It sucks though and if I was you I'd be feeling like it was completely unfair that they get to carry on as if nothing's happened and I'd be now left out of events and holidays I'd enjoyed.
BUT this holiday could well have been H1 and W2s idea in an attempt to make everything normal and cling on to couple 3 as if to say look everything's fine, it was all worth it*

@mimisunshine: you are a wise woman! Being left out of events and holidays I once enjoyed is 'part of the problem' I have with this plan and you've just shown me that! Thank you thanks.

WafflyVersatile Wed 11-Sep-13 11:02:22

I'd be pissed off but I don't think they've done anything wrong.

If someone is upset it doesn't have to be that SOMEONE MUST BE BLAMED!

YANBU for feeling put out but TANBU to arrange a holiday with whoever they want.

kiriwawa Wed 11-Sep-13 11:05:44

Would you want to go on holiday with the other dad and couple 3 OP?

Zoe789 Wed 11-Sep-13 11:09:17

Jesus! sorry for blaspheming there but you are not being U. That shows a staggering lack of sensitivity. To you, to the children, even to their own friendships!!! are they selected or are they just falling off a shelf for convenience.

springydafty Wed 11-Sep-13 11:15:35


There's nothing NICE about this situation. It's horrible and tacky. so the kids are supposed to just about-face and accept this vile situation, as though it's normal? There'll be some pretty lump carpets, if so. Kids find this stuff just as upsetting and 'wrong' as the adults - it wouldn't be 'nice' to present a fucked-up situation as though it's perfectly ok. It would be a head fuck.

Crowler Wed 11-Sep-13 11:31:48

Hey kids, last year you might recall that last year it was Mr & Mrs. A & Mr & Mrs. B.

Well, we've switched things up a bit this year and it's now Mr A & Mrs. B. Other than that, not much has changed, so let's carry on.


dreamingbohemian Wed 11-Sep-13 11:41:59

Summed up nicely, Crowler!

I agree it's insensitive. I would have suggested skipping this year and seeing how things are next year.

But, I would put the blame more on your ex and not Couple 3, who probably don't really know what to do at this point.

dreamingbohemian Wed 11-Sep-13 11:42:00

Summed up nicely, Crowler!

I agree it's insensitive. I would have suggested skipping this year and seeing how things are next year.

But, I would put the blame more on your ex and not Couple 3, who probably don't really know what to do at this point.

avolt Wed 11-Sep-13 11:48:16

Agree, it's a shocking disregard of your dc's feelings.

Couple 3 - it's possible they might not know what to do for the best, but really, if a good friend of mine had done this, I don't think I could stomach going on holiday with her.

How awful for you. I think you are well rid of the lot of them.

Dahlen Wed 11-Sep-13 11:54:12

I agree it is insensitive of all concerned.

However, if there's one thing life has taught me it's that most people will do whatever it takes to disrupt their own lives the least. The only ones who make an exception for that are very close friends and family (and even then not always).

I think couple 3 are barking though. I mean, how awkward!

medhandthekiddiesvtheworld Wed 11-Sep-13 11:54:13

maybe couple no3 feel sorry for the children and want to offer them some support and normality?

cuillereasoupe Wed 11-Sep-13 12:07:09

Ugh, grim. I cut off friends in similar circumstances - not that they'd necessarily done anything wrong by inviting the OW to come and stay but I just couldn't carry on as part of the same social circle.

MexicanHat Wed 11-Sep-13 12:25:47

YANBU. Actually I think it's disgraceful behaviour!! - shame on all the adults going!! So sorry OP that is really shit...........

ThinkAboutItTomorrow Wed 11-Sep-13 12:29:46

Poor you Liltzero They are being insensitive pricks, the lot of them.

Just remember that they will have a weird and awkward time of it, how much more of a reminder of what they have done and what they have thrown away can they get?

I think they are all crazy for wanting to do this - I think it will be miserable for all concerned.

JoinYourPlayfellows Wed 11-Sep-13 12:31:36

"I'm laughing at the idea that they are doing this to support the effected children."

I know, it's ridiculous.

We'll just smash their homes to smithereens.

Make them watch their mother/father fall to bits.

See their other parent with make a new "home" with a grown up they've known for years.

But somehow a fucking HOLIDAY with some of the same people as last year, but the very, very, very notable absence of two important people is going to make them feel better.

Anyone who would do that to their children is a total fucker.

HangingGardenofBabbysBum Wed 11-Sep-13 12:49:15

You know what? Shitty things happen to everyone. I think this holiday models to the kids that, though two parents have 'fallen apart,' there is life and civilisation after seismic events.

Of course it would be great if no marriages ever broke up and nobody got hurt, but bewailing the choices of other people keeps you stuck in misery.

The chances are the 'new couple' won't last anyway, statistics are stacked against them.

But whatever, don't make the children feel weird about moving on to the next phase.

I holidayed last year with an Italian family that included the ex wife, her new husband and two of his girlfriends. Nobody was uptight and all the children were well-adjusted and comfortable. I really believe it was down to the adults being relaxed and leaving their own baggage at home.

It's only a holiday,OP. try not to see it as further betrayal, maybe have one of your own whole they are away. But please don't make them feel bad for going.

Crowler Wed 11-Sep-13 12:52:12

JoinYourPlayfellows is winding me up even further.

What a load of shite.

I would guess most people have had occasion to fancy a good friend's husband/wife over the years. It doesn't mean you should leave your respective spouses, get married and try to pretend it's normal.

Crowler Wed 11-Sep-13 12:53:17

I holidayed last year with an Italian family that included the ex wife, her new husband and two of his girlfriends.
Sorry, do you mean like, swingers? or girlfriends as in platonic? I'm confused.

JoinYourPlayfellows Wed 11-Sep-13 12:53:17

I think it models to the kids that you can treat people you are supposed to care about like utter crap and then carry on as though it never happened and they don't matter in the least.

Horrible thing to put children through.

MimiSunshine Wed 11-Sep-13 12:54:58

Loltzero you're welcome. That feeling is completely understandable.
Your ex has now ensured that your choice to attend events abd holidays has been taken away from you as if W3 is more pally with W2 (OW) then that's where the couples friendship will go.
The thing is everyone looking in on the situation will find it utterly bizarre and what none of them seem to realise is that by going back to Scotland they are effectively carrying on existing traditions.

The absence of you and H2 will be hugely apparent and will hang over them the entire time like ghost of Christmas past, they may all put their happy face on but it will be a facade. Only made worse when one of the children miss the missing mum(my) or dad(dy) and start acting up

MrsOakenshield Wed 11-Sep-13 12:55:42

but 3 couples are made up of 6 individuals. Generally, you don't become friends of a couple as a couple, do you? We might socialise with couples but they'll be 'my' friend + partner or 'DH's' friend + partner. So it depends who was friends with who to begin with, which you've clarified as wife 3 being friends with OW.

No easy answers. Can't be easy for mutual friends being caught in the crossfire.

Lastofthepodpeople Wed 11-Sep-13 12:59:16

I think the friends are maybe being a little insensitive but it's the new couple that are being inconsiderate.

Like one of the other posters said, do they think the childen aren't going to notice that this holiday their mum and dad are excluded? It's only going to highlight the separation to them. I think it's selfish and shows a complete lack of sensitivity to the children.

If they do want to all go on holiday together, then a completely new holiday tradition and location would be a better idea (without couple 3 at first certainly) so the kids can get used to the idea.

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