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Wibu to send him a card in prison?

(81 Posts)
HerrenaHarridan Tue 10-Sep-13 21:53:14

Obviously there's a massive back story but ill just attempt to give enough info to inform your opinion.

Ex has just been remanded in custody to await trial. He's in for smashing the window on my new single mum house and 4 other charges relating to incidents that night.

Dd is 19 mo and has been having soaridic contact (2hrs a week at a centre) since we split. I am absolutely certain that she enjoys seeing him as she always points the way when we get off the bus and has started to cry when it's time to go.

It has been suggested that I 'help' dd make a card for him and send it to him with a photo.

IF, IF, IF I were to do this my terms would be that someone else 'help' her with the card AND write on the envelope (because its bloody well not from me!) and I will see to it that a photo goes in and it gets posted.
This is basically what happened for Father's Day except I sent her to contact with it.

So please either flame me for not wanting to do it (because he will think its from me?) or give me something to defend my decision with.

Hissy Wed 11-Sep-13 19:44:36

Waltzing, the physical violence is one thing, emotional violence is another.

While an emotionally violent person isn't necessarily physically violent, a physically violent person is ALWAYS emotionally abusive.

Bruises heal with time, soul destroying only heals with heavy duty psychological help.

MissBeehiving Wed 11-Sep-13 19:43:58

hell, no

Hissy Wed 11-Sep-13 19:41:08

Do the court ordered stuff and no more.

A card could be used against you. Your child is too young to do it herself.

Her father is not a good influence in her life. Exposure to such a toxic person is poison to her. Do what you can get away with on a minimum footing.

Be honest with your DD always. Age appropriate, naturally, but the truth nonetheless.

Ignore ALL those who try to undermine your instincts.

TeeBee Wed 11-Sep-13 08:44:31

I get where you mum is coming from to a certain extent. Maybe you could get her to make one, wipe your arse on it, then disguise it as art work.

pianodoodle Wed 11-Sep-13 08:36:42

You can't even be sure your DD would want to give him a card.

If I grew up and found out my dad behaved like that to my mum I wouldn't send him a card!

HerrenaHarridan Wed 11-Sep-13 08:05:31

I have always tried to enable her to maintain her relationships with her paternal grandparents and as long as he wants and she wants (obviously she's too young to really object but I am certain that she enjoys the fine that spend together) to maintain contact then I will facilitate it within safe parameters (thank goodness for the contact centre/ mediation team)

My main reason for this is selfish, when she grows up I WILL be able to prove to her that's its not my fault he hasn't maintained contact (because he's flaky and probably won't)

I will continue to make her available to her paternal grandparents as long as they want to see her.

However in our case her paternal grandparents are truely lovely people and not represented by their sons actions.

The people who are calling for me to discontinue contact are well within their rights to hold that opinion and if contact centres/ mediation was not an option I would have to.

Children are not weapons, but they are very vulnerable and as some very wise people have pointed out I have to treat this situation in the same way I would advise my dd to.

cory Wed 11-Sep-13 08:02:04

waltzingmathilda Wed 11-Sep-13 07:37:50
"If a person hits an adult it doest follow that person will hit children.

Far too much using children as weapons, tools and so forth played out in these forums egged on by others who project their bad experiences and life choices onto others"

No. But it does follow that a child who witnesses domestic violence, even if they are not the victim, will be at risk of emotional damage. The person who gets the black eye is not necessarily the only person who is hurt.

If the ex is given the impression that the OP is willing to start again and then finds out this is not the case, this seriously increases the risks that her dd will be suffering the indirect effects of dv.

I would be very wary of the mother's attitude in all this. It is not actually all that unusual for a mother to act as an apologist for the abuser of her dd. And it can be very, very damaging.

I would use a solicitor as much as possible and keep your mother at armslength.

HerrenaHarridan Wed 11-Sep-13 07:55:37

Run woman ran.

Straight to the point waffling grin

waltzingmathilda Wed 11-Sep-13 07:37:50

If a person hits an adult it doest follow that person will hit children.

Far too much using children as weapons, tools and so forth played out in these forums egged on by others who project their bad experiences and life choices onto others.

Card for Daddy in prison? I never quite bought into all this utterly silly bollox of 'making cards' when shops sell perfectly good ones - its his families job to pick up the slack here - his mother can send a card from his daughter you don't have to be involved at all

Hissy Wed 11-Sep-13 07:32:54

Fabergeegg, sorry but this man is a dud, he'll never be a parent that 'pulls together'

Abuse is a highly specific and complex situation. RL rules simply don't apply.

OP needs to shut ALL contact down as far as she can.

If courts were quicker to ban contact in the cases of proven DV, perhaps more of these perps would actually be forced to look long and hard at themselves.

Imo, no violent man has any right of contact. If he wants it, he has to be a decent human being.

Hissy Wed 11-Sep-13 07:27:55

I think if you try to imagine, knowing everything he's done to you, if this were your DD, and her BF had done it to here.. would YOU be so willing to force her to pander/make contact with a man like this?

I'm guessing here that the only 'contact' you'd be condoning would involve a baseball bat.

Most victims of DV have a family background that creates it.

Your mother.

You leaving, standing up for DD, for yourself has stopped the cycle. As long as you carry on working towards healing.

Have you done the Freedom Programme? Keep doing it over and over until you see just how wrong that relationship was.

Keep posting on here, check out the emotional abuse thread, and I'd say Stately Homes too.

We're not going to let you down here, we'll back you in protecting yourself and your DD for as long as you need it.

Your mother is sabotaging your life here. A man like that could easily kill you both.

I say distance the pair of them.

MammaTJ Wed 11-Sep-13 03:45:35

Your mum is bonkers. When your DD is older, if she got in to an abusive relationship, would you be encouraging her to give the illusion that all is forgiven for the sake of any children of that relationship?

BillyGoatintheBuff Wed 11-Sep-13 02:29:16

Good luck to you, you have been given good advice here.

Monty27 Wed 11-Sep-13 01:10:05

No, don't do it, he will see it as forgiveness and tolerance.

He's a shit father, partner, and he's violent.

As said upthread, he'll use it in court too. Just do the legal paperwork that's required to get him out of your life and run for the hills.

He maybe dd's dad, but.... Before he deserves to be her father he has a long way to go.

Good luck, just love your dd, she'll be ok.

fabergeegg Wed 11-Sep-13 00:57:13

I'd be the first to say I don't know much about these issues. As a gut reaction, I would probably do it, but make clear why I'm doing it - i.e., because a child deserves to have two parents pulling together even if they are not relationally together. Unless you need to have nothing to do with him for your own security - completely up to you - I think it would be helpful for your daughter if you're able to support each other as parents. As you've pointed out, this is something you've already been graciously and sacrificially doing, so not much new there.

But I don't understand the dynamics of domestic violence - perhaps you need to have nothing further to do with him at all, in which case please forgive this blundering post.

Wibblypiglikesbananas Tue 10-Sep-13 23:45:31

He's off to the Crown Court and your mum still wants to facilitate contact between him and your DD?! That's crazy talk.

Agree with everything Bogeyface has said.

mummytowillow Tue 10-Sep-13 23:39:11

No don't do it. A 19 month old can't make a card etc, so he will think its your idea and it will open a whole can of worms hmm

Bogeyface Tue 10-Sep-13 23:25:15

Us Vipers have our uses, thats why the twats hate us so much wink

Sleep well xx

Waffling Tue 10-Sep-13 23:24:08

Run woman, run.

gobbynorthernbird Tue 10-Sep-13 23:23:38

It's not just the wrong impression for him/his lawyers, it's not the right thing to teach your daughter. He can smash up her home, but it's ok, he's her dad?

Good luck with the rest of your lives x

HerrenaHarridan Tue 10-Sep-13 23:19:41

Thanks, mine too.

Between you all you have really helped me quantify why I feel uncomfortable with it when all I could do was squirm inside

It's is an affectionate things makinga card with dc for a dp and if the split was less brutal then maybe.

Also the wrong impression for him and defence lawyers.

Ill seek legal advice re medical reports and make sure they go through appropriate channels.

Thanks vipers smile


Snazzyenjoyingsummer Tue 10-Sep-13 23:18:50

So taking her to have actual contact with him isn't enough, you now have to spend time making a card on your DD's behalf? I don't think so. Tell your mum how disappointed you are in her inability to see the full picture here and put her daughter and granddaughter first.

WetAugust Tue 10-Sep-13 23:16:22

You mother sounds as though she has self-esteem issues if she thinks you should be staying in contact with this scrote.

It sounds as though you may have self-esteem issues too for having to even ask whether to send a card or not. Any right-minded person would not have to ask.

If I was you I would stop listening to my mother and start listening to those on a Women's Aid freedom course. You certainly need to gain your freedom.

As for letters re her medical condition - just forget. He can't do anuthing while he's imprisoned and I doubt you want a tosser who damaged her home involved in her treatment.

You need to be very careful here. He could use her medical conbdition in mitigation should he be found guilty and sentenced or even to strengthen his request for bail.

Do you really want that?

Bogeyface Tue 10-Sep-13 23:13:46

Hmm....I think you need legal advice about the letters, but my instinct is telling me to inform his solicitor of anything very serious (such as a change of her condition, the need for surgery etc), but if her care isnt changing and her condition hasnt changed then dont bother. Sort of a "no news is good news" attitude.

HerrenaHarridan Tue 10-Sep-13 23:09:27

He is remanded for failure to appear at the original trial date and because 2 of the 5 total charges are fairly serious, crown court serious.

I definitely won't be doing it, some great reasons above and I will refuse my mum permission to do it on her behalf.

What about information regarding her ongoing medical condition? Should I just make a copy of the letters I get and keep then until he gets out and resumes contact, give them to his solicitor, post them to parents house for him to get whenever, give to mutual friends to post to him or just not bother?

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