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Wibu to send him a card in prison?

(81 Posts)
HerrenaHarridan Tue 10-Sep-13 21:53:14

Obviously there's a massive back story but ill just attempt to give enough info to inform your opinion.

Ex has just been remanded in custody to await trial. He's in for smashing the window on my new single mum house and 4 other charges relating to incidents that night.

Dd is 19 mo and has been having soaridic contact (2hrs a week at a centre) since we split. I am absolutely certain that she enjoys seeing him as she always points the way when we get off the bus and has started to cry when it's time to go.

It has been suggested that I 'help' dd make a card for him and send it to him with a photo.

IF, IF, IF I were to do this my terms would be that someone else 'help' her with the card AND write on the envelope (because its bloody well not from me!) and I will see to it that a photo goes in and it gets posted.
This is basically what happened for Father's Day except I sent her to contact with it.

So please either flame me for not wanting to do it (because he will think its from me?) or give me something to defend my decision with.

HerrenaHarridan Wed 11-Sep-13 08:05:31

I have always tried to enable her to maintain her relationships with her paternal grandparents and as long as he wants and she wants (obviously she's too young to really object but I am certain that she enjoys the fine that spend together) to maintain contact then I will facilitate it within safe parameters (thank goodness for the contact centre/ mediation team)

My main reason for this is selfish, when she grows up I WILL be able to prove to her that's its not my fault he hasn't maintained contact (because he's flaky and probably won't)

I will continue to make her available to her paternal grandparents as long as they want to see her.

However in our case her paternal grandparents are truely lovely people and not represented by their sons actions.

The people who are calling for me to discontinue contact are well within their rights to hold that opinion and if contact centres/ mediation was not an option I would have to.

Children are not weapons, but they are very vulnerable and as some very wise people have pointed out I have to treat this situation in the same way I would advise my dd to.

pianodoodle Wed 11-Sep-13 08:36:42

You can't even be sure your DD would want to give him a card.

If I grew up and found out my dad behaved like that to my mum I wouldn't send him a card!

TeeBee Wed 11-Sep-13 08:44:31

I get where you mum is coming from to a certain extent. Maybe you could get her to make one, wipe your arse on it, then disguise it as art work.

Hissy Wed 11-Sep-13 19:41:08

Do the court ordered stuff and no more.

A card could be used against you. Your child is too young to do it herself.

Her father is not a good influence in her life. Exposure to such a toxic person is poison to her. Do what you can get away with on a minimum footing.

Be honest with your DD always. Age appropriate, naturally, but the truth nonetheless.

Ignore ALL those who try to undermine your instincts.

MissBeehiving Wed 11-Sep-13 19:43:58

hell, no

Hissy Wed 11-Sep-13 19:44:36

Waltzing, the physical violence is one thing, emotional violence is another.

While an emotionally violent person isn't necessarily physically violent, a physically violent person is ALWAYS emotionally abusive.

Bruises heal with time, soul destroying only heals with heavy duty psychological help.

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