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Wibu to send him a card in prison?

(81 Posts)
HerrenaHarridan Tue 10-Sep-13 21:53:14

Obviously there's a massive back story but ill just attempt to give enough info to inform your opinion.

Ex has just been remanded in custody to await trial. He's in for smashing the window on my new single mum house and 4 other charges relating to incidents that night.

Dd is 19 mo and has been having soaridic contact (2hrs a week at a centre) since we split. I am absolutely certain that she enjoys seeing him as she always points the way when we get off the bus and has started to cry when it's time to go.

It has been suggested that I 'help' dd make a card for him and send it to him with a photo.

IF, IF, IF I were to do this my terms would be that someone else 'help' her with the card AND write on the envelope (because its bloody well not from me!) and I will see to it that a photo goes in and it gets posted.
This is basically what happened for Father's Day except I sent her to contact with it.

So please either flame me for not wanting to do it (because he will think its from me?) or give me something to defend my decision with.

CocacolaMum Tue 10-Sep-13 22:09:22

why the hell would YOUR mum suggest this!? WTAF? No do not do this. Sending out mixed messages to someone who would think nothing of committing the crime he has is utterly ridiculous

HerrenaHarridan Tue 10-Sep-13 22:12:29

New single mum house = the house I moved to when I left him.

Brilliant point about the defence using it against me, thank you.

I wonder if they could still do this if it was probably my mums writing on the envelope?

If you really want the back story search my username for my previous posts (although they only go up to right after the split and my previous name was known to him and obvious to anyone who knows me)

I'm so glad to hear I'm not just blinded by my feelings

CocacolaMum Tue 10-Sep-13 22:15:40

Honestly, if it was me I would be packing bags and not looking back. I know sometimes that is easier said than done but I have done it and looking back (now married to a wonderful man who loves my son as his own) I and my son were better off for it. I don't give a shit that my ex never got to know his bio-son, he wasn't my priority.

diddl Tue 10-Sep-13 22:17:13

No-& I wouldn't want him near my daughter, either tbh.

Footface Tue 10-Sep-13 22:17:42

No, I really wouldn't! The argument from your mum us skewed. I'm sure your dd would have asked him not to smash her window if she was able to.

If it was me I'd do as little as possible to facilitate contact.

Bogeyface Tue 10-Sep-13 22:18:36

Let the fucker rot in hell, if he wanted a birthday card from his DD he shouldnt have been so abusive to her mother.

Bogeyface Tue 10-Sep-13 22:20:00

Footface makes a good point. Your DD might not be so keen to send him a card if she had been aware of the abuse and the attack on your home. Tell your mother to mind her own sodding business and that if she sends one from DD anyway then that will be the last time she sees you or your DD.

MusicalEndorphins Tue 10-Sep-13 22:20:56

Nope, would not do it. Screw him. If your dd grows up and SHE wants to that is different.
I feel the same way about any card to an ex from a child, if the child does it on their own fine. Otherwise, it is from the adult who organized it.

thebody Tue 10-Sep-13 22:21:19

mmm op let him work his way up to you and dd by changing and being a good dad.

not for you to reach down to him.

Roshbegosh Tue 10-Sep-13 22:22:31

I wouldn't bother. Let him prove how important DD is on her birthday and every other day come to that. Let him get out of jail and start putting food on the table for her. All you have to do is facilitate contact and keep things civil.

Roshbegosh Tue 10-Sep-13 22:25:13

bogeyface that would be horribly cruel, using DD to control OP's mother like that. Cruel to DD I mean, as much as the grandmother. Babies shouldn't be pawns to use to make us feel powerful and let us act like bullies.

FourGates Tue 10-Sep-13 22:25:50

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KatyPutTheCuttleOn Tue 10-Sep-13 22:26:57

No way. It wouldn't benefit your daughter so forget it.
Sorry for all the hassle you've had with him.

lizzzyyliveson Tue 10-Sep-13 22:28:10

He will have a lot of time on his hands to sit and brood on things. The last thing you want is for him to have a card that he can begin building a fantasy around. It sounds very dangerous to me. When he realises that you don't want to get back with him he will think you sent it to be funny or to play games with him.

3birthdaybunnies Tue 10-Sep-13 22:31:07

If your dd came to you in 20yrs with abusive ex in prison over an attack on her house, would you be telling her to send him a birthday card from her daughter? Thought not. Your priority is her, if it helps her then do it, otherwise don't. I would try to have as little contact as you can get away with.

CocacolaMum Tue 10-Sep-13 22:33:21

I don't think cutting contact with someone who goes behind your back (hypothetically) in a matter this serious would be cruel at all, it would be in the best interest of both mother and child!

Your mum should be thinking about YOUR happiness and wellbeing not some aggressive idiot

phantomnamechanger Tue 10-Sep-13 22:34:31

Your mum is living in cloud cuckoo land - its gone beyond being able to play happy families.

If SHE wants to do it, that's one thing, and in fact it's good that she is not doing this behind your back. But why on earth is your own mother not on YOUR side in all this, urging you never to have anything else to do with him again? I could understand if it was HIS mum.

Bogeyface Tue 10-Sep-13 22:35:17

bogeyface that would be horribly cruel, using DD to control OP's mother like that. Cruel to DD I mean, as much as the grandmother. Babies shouldn't be pawns to use to make us feel powerful and let us act like bullies.

You misunderstand me. I am not suggesting she use her DD as a weapon against her mother, but gives her mother one warning that she is not to try and facilitate a relationship with an abusive man on behalf of the OPs DD without the OPs consent. I just have a feeling that if the OP doesnt send this card then her mother might. I would not tolerate having someone like that in my or my childs life. I would cut her out, most definitely.

She is at best someone who hasnt thought through the potential consequences (such as affecting the upcoming court case and any restraining orders) and at worst an abuse apologist.

Bogeyface Tue 10-Sep-13 22:38:09

And lizzy makes a good point about the fact that he could spend hours brooding over this card and misinterpreting it and making things 100 times worse than they already are.

Would you want to be in the OPs house when he turns up thinking she has forgiven him and then finds out that nothing has changed? Really?!

BrokenSunglasses Tue 10-Sep-13 22:40:42

If his family were close to your dd and they had asked your permission to do it with her, then I'd say you should let them. But I don't think it's fair that you're getting this sort of pressure from your own Mum.

I also think that despite the bloke being a complete cunt, you should continue to do your best to facilitate your dds relationship with him in the future. But when she's two years old and he's in prison for smashing the windows of her home, you have absolutely no reason to even consider sorting out a nice card and picture for him.

gobbynorthernbird Tue 10-Sep-13 22:41:21

Is it worth pointing out to your mum that violence towards your/your home is also abusive to your DD?

And fuck him. He doesn't deserve a goddamn thing.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds Tue 10-Sep-13 22:44:44

I don't think anyone should be sending the abusive twunt anything.

Your mum needs a wakeup call.

Sokmonsta Tue 10-Sep-13 22:46:06

In your circumstances you are the victim. So there should be someone you can speak to about whether or not contact should be maintained on behalf of his dd. As the offence was committed against you as the child's mother, especially if dd was in the house at the time you may find ex is subject to child protection processes. In which case it's best to speak to victim liaison/probation officer or whoever your contact with the case is and explain that you are not happy for dd to be in contact with her father at the present time and explain why. They will be able to point you in the right direction to put your mind at rest.

freemanbatch Tue 10-Sep-13 22:50:17

I was told that there were rules about what you can send from children into a prison, it may be that you couldn't send it anyway, especially the photo.

I wouldn't make any contact with him right now if I was you, my ex is currently being investigated by the police and I have been advised not to make any contact on behalf of the children because it can always be turned around as being contact from me.

WilsonFrickett Tue 10-Sep-13 22:54:29

I honestly can't believe your mother would want him in you or your dd's life. You'd think she'd be dancing a jig that he's in prison.

Don't send the card and don't allow your mum to send one either.

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