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AIBU about going out for dinner?

(26 Posts)
PorkPieandPickle Tue 10-Sep-13 17:43:29

My due date is 9th December (first child). DH and I have not really planned Xmas, but had a vague idea that we would invite DM and MIL (they are both on their own) round for dinner which DH would probably cook.

Mentioned to DM when she asked about Xmas, and she said that she wants us to go out for Xmas dinner; her, me, DH, Dsis and DsisOH. I was taken aback and said I didn't think it was a good idea with newborn, and she was very dismissive. I suggested that baby might be late and could only be 2 days old, I didn't know how I would feel, I didn't know how breast feeding would be going and whether I would feel confident enough to feed in public... She just said I was being silly, it would be baby's first outing, and I could just express beforehand and we would all take turns with the baby.

I also said we have DSS for Xmas, and 3 Xmas dinners will probably set us back £150-ish- she started to get annoyed with me and said I was making excuses.

DH thinks its a crap idea and we should stay in. I think it's a bad idea, but wondering if I'm being stupid, DM is acting like I'm being ridiculously PFB... I just feel under so much pressure!!

AIBU to put my foot down and say no way?

LondonMother Tue 10-Sep-13 17:46:50

Idiotic idea. Much better to have a very quiet Christmas day at home where you can slump on the sofa in your pjs. Even if the baby is on time you'll be doing well to be up and dressed at that point. Good luck getting that across to your mum, but at least your husband is on your side!

LaurieFairyCake Tue 10-Sep-13 17:48:15

It doesn't matter what the reason is - you are allowed to choose not to go!

"I don't fancy it" is enough

Who the FUCK are all these people who decide what others want to do? confused

Florin Tue 10-Sep-13 17:48:35

I would stay in. You might find it all goes swimmingly (I was out having lunch on day 2, then at 7 weeks it all became tricky!) however you might be knacked struggling with feeding etc. you are also unlikely to be able to express at that point and depending when your milk comes in you could find you are feeding constantly, unable to hand the baby over and feel pretty awful. If you are home you can take it at your own pace, delay dinner if needed or even go to bed for an hour etc. staying home would be much easier. I would also get your Mum and mil to cook dinner!

CeliaFate Tue 10-Sep-13 17:49:01

It is a bad idea. She's forgotten what new borns are like and is being really rude to dismiss your feelings. Tell her she's welcome to come round but you're staying at home.

MairzyDoats Tue 10-Sep-13 17:49:29

She's being rather selfish, and what about your MIL? Why does she want to go out for lunch?

KittieCat Tue 10-Sep-13 17:49:30

YANBU. The MN mantra that 'no' is a whole sentence springs to mind.

I had DS on your due date and even then I wouldn't have gone out for Christmas dinner.

You need to be able to do what is right for you and no one else so soon after having your baby, especially if you are planning to BF as you may need or want time at home to establish this.

Apart from anything else you may be a bit tender to sit down in a restaurant for a whole meal..!

DTisMYdoctor Tue 10-Sep-13 17:49:45

YANBU at all!

StuntGirl Tue 10-Sep-13 17:50:34

Well it doesn't sound like a good idea anyway but "I just don't want to" is also a perfectly valid reason. Invite her round, if she chooses not to come that'll be one less mouth to feed on the day!

Florin Tue 10-Sep-13 17:51:22

I found the best way to say it is that wont work for us as we won't know what we are up to. Dh, me, DSS and new baby are having a lovely quiet Christmas at home. If you would like to join us that would be lovely. I have a similarly pushy family with arrangements and since we have gone with this answer we have stayed much more in control.

gamerchick Tue 10-Sep-13 17:51:59

It really irritates me when people say 'just express' like baby is born and we have this abundance if milk.

Tell her you'll be playing it by ear and let your bloke do the batting away.

NoMoreMadCatLady Tue 10-Sep-13 17:53:02

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

phantomnamechanger Tue 10-Sep-13 17:54:14

YANBU at all, it would be bonkers to book that now, you don't know how the labour will go or how you will be feeling. It was very very generous of you to consider hosting! In your shoes I would be offering a light afternoon tea only, I would not be cooking for people while getting to grips with a newborn's routine!

LondonJax Tue 10-Sep-13 17:55:37

YANBU. As you said you could be two weeks late which means baby would only be two days old and, not wishing to put the fear of God into you, you could find you needed a C-Section and not be up to going out for a meal. I had an unplanned C-section and would have been in hospital for three days (DS was ill when he was born so we ended up in for a week but that's just my story). The point is things can happen which are unplanned - usually pretty easy to sort out but can mean an extra night or two in hospital for one or the other of you. On the other hand, baby could arrive on time or a little early and you'll feel great about going out and baby could fit into a routine very, very easily.

You won't know until baby is born so your DM will either have to try to book up once baby's here and you know how you feel - highly unlikely to get a place at a good restaurant with only two weeks to go. Or she can book it now and be prepared to lose a hefty deposit if you or baby aren't up to it. Or she could take the sensible approach and use the money she'd have to spend on her part of the meal to buy some foodie treats to bring with her on Christmas Day. Then she can enjoy her new grandchild in peace and quiet whilst mum and dad have a nice rest!

Stick to your guns.

JassyRadlett Tue 10-Sep-13 17:56:25

Completely agree. The suggestion that if you're not confident feeding in public you can express in advance is a particularly bad idea - I think they don't recommend bottles until 4w if you are planning to BF? I know we were encouraged to cup feed before that. Also, expressing can be insanely tricky for some people and takes ages, and can be agony if your nipples are sore.

Definitely stay home. Tell your mother that it's a nice idea but with so many unknowns you've decided you'd rather not this year.

Then just say 'I know, but we'd still rather not' until the end of time. Don't let her draw you into whether her arguments have merit or not!

SofaKing Tue 10-Sep-13 18:01:00

Just say no.

I let PIL come over at six on Christmas morning to watch the kids open their presents after MN said it would be mean not to.
After not getting to open a single present with ds1 and dd, because they are the favourites, I made a special breakfast for them and ds2, which I caught fil poking at and burning half of. They then told me to go to bed, basically so they could play with my kids without me, and I ended up in bed sobbing by half eight, a new record.

Don't be me. This is the first Christmas with you, dh, dss and your baby, do what is right for your immediate family and think more about your needs than anyone else's, because otherwise you won't have a happy memory of the occasion and that is what you deserve.

PorkPieandPickle Tue 10-Sep-13 18:04:09

Oooh thank god!! She's made me think I'm some kind of neurotic freakishly bad mum before I've even given birth!!

Your replies are so reassuring- I feel normal! DH is very good at standing his ground so if she refuses to listen to me, he will put his foot down smile

I'm of a mind to tell her to go out with Dsis as someone suggested and we'll just have MIL. She's nearly 80 and while she tries my patience, I still couldn't bear the thought of her being on her own!!

Think i've been panicking for no reason that I'm totally unreasonable!!

phantomnamechanger Tue 10-Sep-13 18:04:31

Hang on - never mind the baby, I missed the bit where you have to pay your own way - so she basically wants her own way to have what she wants on xmas day, but its not her treat, it's at your considerable expense? No way!

fuzzpig Tue 10-Sep-13 18:05:40

Good grief of course YANBU!

PorkPieandPickle Tue 10-Sep-13 18:07:30

Sofaking that sounds horrid sad I hope you have something better planned this year!!

we were only thinking of having DM/MIL for a couple of hours for dinner, I thought I could always hide with baby in the bedroom if its too much!!!

PorkPieandPickle Tue 10-Sep-13 18:08:31

Oh yeh she wasn't paying for us!! Like we can afford that with all those new baby costs!!! confused

FeetUpUntilChristmas Tue 10-Sep-13 18:13:13


DD1 was born at the beginning of December and despite being a really easy baby who was FF because of my complications I would not have been ready to go out for Christmas Lunch. I don't think I can imagine trying to keep her content whilst eating a fancy restaurant meal and not upsetting the other customers when she crys, which would have happened.

Thankfully we went to PIL and DD who was the first GC was throughly spoilt. It didn't matter if she needed feeding or changing the day was completely flexible and relaxed.

To me Christmas is a time for family and being together in a relaxed atmosphere, hopefully enjoying so good food, I would rather cook or help cook and wash up than dress up and go out to a restaurant, baby or no baby.

Arion Tue 10-Sep-13 18:13:22

My DD was 2 weeks overdue, I was induced, then when she came, she developed jaundice. We didn't get out of hospital for six days! DS was a home birth and I was in Sainsburys having a wander round in the afternoon after he was born at 2am!

You don't know how the birth will be, how you will feel, how feeding will go so be gentle with yourself and don't plan too much.

You are so NOT being unreasonable and your 'D'M needs to be supporting you, not adding pressure.

festered Tue 10-Sep-13 18:14:34

I am not a Mum and I can still see that this is a bad idea with a newborn, and the bottom line is, baby or not-you don't want to go and you've given many a good reason.

WilsonFrickett Tue 10-Sep-13 18:19:08

YAsoooooNBU. even if everything goes to plan - and I was out for lunch 5 days after DS and a CS - it's not the kind of thing I'd choose for a first outing. It will be all stuffy and loooong, forced jolility and you'll have to be there on time. Feck that. Stay snuggled at home. (Our first meal out was a ginormous plate of pasta in our favourite local caff, we were out in 40 mins and the owners cuddled DS the whole time. Hardly a posh Christmas dinner with all the trimmings).

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