I know that men leave and relationships break down. I am a realist. But when my ex left two years ago, I had cancer (still have) and I had been very ill for ten years, having had some horrific treatments. It means I haven't been able to work - although I have tried. My daughter reacted to her dad's leaving in a really horrific way - she had to be seen by a cardiologist for the physical shock, then she developed some mental problems which are now really serious - inlcuding severe depression, an eating disorder and some involvement with drugs.
I am pretty ill still (incurable lymphoma) and it has been suggested that I go on another chemo clinical trial. I will have to come off my current medication - be pretty unwell - to take the risk for this new drug.
My ex is currently supporting us by paying the bills and £250 per month for me on which to live. He earns over £2,500 per week in a very high profile industry.
I have told my ex - pretty tearfully - the really horrific troubles with our daughter. I am finding life in general truly horrible and one night I even went to a train station where I know there are fast trains. I just wanted all the bad stuff to stop - but the knowledge that my daughter really really needed me, stopped me - as did the thought of the train driver's family.
My daughter refuses to speak to her father but she is very ill and refuses to speak to a number of people. Every day is difficult - I can't tell you how difficult. We are all mothers (or fathers) here - we know how tough children can be. Add to the mix an exhausting form of cancer that is also disfiguring - then imagine how I felt getting an email from the ex fundamentally bullying us out of our home and wanting to relieve himself of any financial burden. Yes, he has a new girfriend and there are lots of lovely pictures of them in holiday photos. He says he wants a future for himself and there is never a mention of his daughter. Sometimes he says 'I would love to help and be supportive.' That supports includes turning off his phone and when our daughter attempted suicide he told me she was just a stubborn teen. STUBBORN TEEN! She is currently in the mental health system and has regular and horrific meltdowns.
I feel so shaky I can hardly get out of bed. I find I have to force myself to smile, to try and get stability for my child. It's also making me so much more ill.
But meanwhile in his world he is greatly respected and loved. He is well known for what he does - he plays the kind cuddly man in public but I have never met such a hard individual. My daughter is everything to me and I want to stay in my home, try and get my illness under control and then get a future for her and myself.
I have never wanted to kill someone as much as I want to kill him. He never asks about his daughter, he ignores any updates which contain information that upset him, he says that seeing me has a distressing effect on me. His phone is always off - so he sends the email 'I don't want to seem hard but...'
Thank you for listening - even if you think I am over reacting. A number of lovely people helped me previously when I was so very low that I didn't want to go on. I cannot get to that place again. But if we sold our house, the way he has managed the money (badly) will mean that we will barely have anything left. I have nothing on which to live.
I guess I am frightened really. I have tried to be a good person but now I don't feel very good. In fact, I feel quite evil. And ill. I am desperately looking for writing work - I know that is my only talent and I am very accomplished at it. You wouldn't tell from this post though....I am all over the place.
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...to be so angry I can barely function
40 replies
Punkatheart · 10/09/2013 08:33
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