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To want nothing more to do with MIL?

(158 Posts)
1026mistakes Sat 07-Sep-13 12:38:26

I need some perspective on this, I'm a regular poster but name changed because this makes me quite identifiable. Apologies if its long, please bear with me.

About 10 years ago, before me and DH got together, his brother (so my now BIL) was arrested for downloading an indecent image of a child. He said he hadn't meant to, got a caution and nothing more was said. We got a phonecall in April this year, when DC3 was only a few days old, from social services wanting to know if BIL has any contact with our DCs. We said no, he's not that close to DH so he never comes round and MIL comes to us to visit (he still lives at home with MIL). They told us that he'd been arrested again for the same thing as before, the woman we spoke to was obviously surprised that we hadn't been told by MIL as we live literally just around the corner so there was always potential for him to see the DCs. DH phoned MIL to ask what was going on, she said that yes he'd been arrested again but that she didn't tell us because obviously he hadn't meant to do it and wasn't a threat to our DCs. She also told DH not to tell me (though he has already), making it pretty obvious she didn't trust me not to tell anyone. MIL told us it was one image and that his computer hasn't been seized.

Since then she's made it clear that he's done nothing wrong and she doesn't want to talk about it, she only told us he'd appeared at Magistrates court afterwards, and that it had been referred to crown court. She told us on Thursday afternoon that he would be at crown court on Friday and that he'd only just found out, I don't believe he would have found out at that short notice. I also found out by looking online that he was in court for sentencing, again she didn't tell us. He got a suspended sentence, as far as MIL was concerned yesterday that was the end of the matter and he'd done nothing wrong and no one would ever find out.

DH bought the local paper on his way to work this morning just in case. On page 15 there's a big piece that says his name, age and address. It also says that police seized two computers, and found over 1000 images ranging in seriousness from levels 1-5 (5 being the most graphic and severe there is), plus videos as well. DH has phoned MIL again, even today she's still insisting he hasn't done anything wrong. DH is happy to want nothing more to do with BIL, but where MIL is concerned he said he can't choose his family, and I do understand that she's still his mum but she's made it very clear where her loyalties lie.

AIBU to tell DH that he's welcome to see her if he wishes but given how she feels about what BIL is and has done that I want nothing to do with her? Should also add that we've both already agreed our DCs will never go to her house while BIL lives there.

Tortington Sat 07-Sep-13 12:40:48

sounds more than reasonable

yes, she's his mother, but this i couldn't forgive

NatashaBee Sat 07-Sep-13 12:43:25

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Gigondas Sat 07-Sep-13 12:43:41

Another Yanbu

jacks365 Sat 07-Sep-13 12:44:22

What will happen over your mil seeing you dc? Will that be banned as well? While I agree you are perfectly within your rights to want nothing to do with her how will that affect your children's relationship with her.

squoosh Sat 07-Sep-13 12:45:33


wonderingsoul Sat 07-Sep-13 12:46:20

ynbu. shes willing to hide/forgive/ not bleive which is a big risk and she can not be trusted to keep your dc safe due to embarssemeant or what ever .

NoelHeadbands Sat 07-Sep-13 12:46:56

I would want nothing more to do with her.

I could understand a mother not being able to turn her back on her son, but the minimising and denial is dangerous IMO

LumpySpace Sat 07-Sep-13 12:46:58


Famzilla Sat 07-Sep-13 12:46:58

YANBU. I would be keeping my children far far away from anyone who tries to downplay paedophilia. Blood relative or not.

1026mistakes Sat 07-Sep-13 12:47:01

I don't know tbh jacks, I'm too angry to have even thought about long-term at the moment.

Wibblypiglikesbananas Sat 07-Sep-13 12:47:31

So she knowingly out your children in a potentially risky situation? No one would like to think of their own son being a paedophile, but equally, the thought of one's grandchildren being around said paedophile should overrule that. Of course she should have told you! Personally, I wouldn't want anything else to do with her - ever - and there is no way on earth my children would be going to her house. Sounds like she's in denial about the seriousness of the charges. Also - if he lives with her and her address was in the papers, I'm sure she'll soon know just how serious this is.

Icedink Sat 07-Sep-13 12:48:02

Yanbu at all! Also shock that he only got a suspended sentence!

feebeecat Sat 07-Sep-13 12:48:17

And as for how that will affect the relationship between mil and dc, perhaps that is something for mil to consider, along with her notions of "having done nothing wrong" hmm

1026mistakes Sat 07-Sep-13 12:50:15

wibbly that's another big worry, we live on the same road just a few doors away and have the same surname. I've gone out today and left a big sign on my door saying he doesn't live there!

FannyFifer Sat 07-Sep-13 12:53:09

Fuck, really sorry for your family.

I honestly don't think I would have any further contact with her and would be extremely wary about allowing her access to your children.

Clearly her judgement and loyalties do not lie with you and her grandchildren.

Would you be able to trust her to keep them safe, even things like her taking photos of them would make me uncomfortable and I am not of the peado round every corner persuasion.

EvaBeaversProtege Sat 07-Sep-13 12:57:13

I work for a local paper - that court report will be correct. The journalist will have been present in magistrates court & followed the case to crown court.

Your BIL would have known weeks in advance when his crown court date was.

I feel sorry for you & your dh, but I have to agree with you, I would want no contact whatsoever with BIL/mil.

jacks365 Sat 07-Sep-13 12:57:28

Don't blame you for being so angry she's put you in a bad position because of her denial but I know my children would be distraught at never seeing their grandma again as they adore her. My instinct is to say keep inviting her to yours to see them so you are aware and also so you can monitor if she mentions bil to them.

AmpullaOfVater Sat 07-Sep-13 13:00:13

At the very least I would ensure that your DC never ever sees your MIL without you or your DH there. She obviously can't be trusted.

EvaBeaversProtege Sat 07-Sep-13 13:03:37

Op do you know if the images were random images or of actual people he knows?

It's unusual that reporting restrictions weren't in place given young children were in the images - I can only think they were generic images from online so no specific 'injured party' to protect.

Still, not good living so close with same surname.

We usually say, Joe Bloggs, 35, of Any Street... So we don't put the house number. It's just led me to see how that could effect family living nearby with the same surname.

PrincessFlirtyPants Sat 07-Sep-13 13:08:05


I wouldn't want anything to do with her. I would also only allow her supervised visits of your DC for a while. If she doesn't see what your BIL has done as wrong, how do you know she won't allow your BIL access without your knowledge? She has been dishonest previously.

(I would do the same if it was my own DM)

mermaidbutmytailfelloff Sat 07-Sep-13 13:13:06

OP level 5 images are worse than shocking. Whatever you chose to do you need to protect your DCs

Viking1 Sat 07-Sep-13 13:14:31

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CaptainCapybara Sat 07-Sep-13 13:17:40

YANBU my children would never set foot in the same house as BIL again if I was you and I would be incandescent with rage at MIL over the "just one image" bullshit. If she loses the relationship with her GCs that's her own doing, she chose to protect her disgusting piece of shit son.

Catsize Sat 07-Sep-13 13:19:29

I work in the criminal justice system. I agree with evabeavers, but don't share her confidence in the accuracy of court reporting. wink
Still, doubt they have the number of images and levels of seriousness wrong, and agree the hearing would have been fixed in advance. Sometimes, someone has lots at level one and a few at the other levels almost in genuine error. Don't just think there were lots at level 5 or that they were spread evenly unless reported otherwise.
Check he doesn't have a 'sexual offences prevention order', prohibiting him from being with children etc.
Problem is, your mil sounds very much in denial and perhaps wouldn't see a problem in him seeing your child, even if that placed him in breach of the order. I would not let her see your children alone for that reason. Might be OTT to stop all contact with her though.
I am very sorry to hear you are going through all this. Keep us updated.

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