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To be upset that dh has received more money in pay packet and not told me?

(110 Posts)
Pinkpinot Sat 07-Sep-13 10:54:27

Meantime I'm worrying about how to ask him to transfer some money to buy school uniform?
But he's left me £50 and gone out on the piss for the 4th time this wrek

Pinkpinot Sat 07-Sep-13 10:56:35

Fuck it, I've just put the uniform on his credit card

ImperialBlether Sat 07-Sep-13 11:03:27

Good for you. Is he normally financially abusive? It's not right that you should be worried about asking him for the money for school uniforms.

And what's with his drinking? Four times in a week? How much does he spend each night, would you say?

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie Sat 07-Sep-13 11:04:42

Are you usually scared to ask him for money?

KirjavaTheCat Sat 07-Sep-13 11:06:11

Why are you scared of asking him for uniform money? They're his children too, I presume?

Pinkpinot Sat 07-Sep-13 11:07:12

Not scared as such. I'm not scared of him.
But it always ends up in a huge row

But this is ridiculous.
If you knew how much had slipped through his fingers recently, dear God

Pinkpinot Sat 07-Sep-13 11:12:10

Last time I brought up his spending, he talked his way out of it. Saying that he hasn't just spent the money on himself

The car will need taxing next month, and will probably need new tyres, I haven't communicated any of this worry to him, so maybe it's my fault. I mean he doesn't know I'm worried.

He had a stag do last weekend, I hate to think how much he spent there

marriedinwhiteisback Sat 07-Sep-13 11:14:23

Hmm - is he meeting all the agreed outgoings and contributions though. I don't tell my DH when I get a tax rebate or divi because it happens to be my money, not his. Why are you arguing over money? I'm sorry OP but is there more to this.

LIZS Sat 07-Sep-13 11:15:42

Just tell him you have put x on cc card for uniforms and will need to pay for car next month so either transfer y or be prepared for it to appear on cc. He needs to wake up to the cost of his family and cut back his own expenditure if needs be. Why are the accounts separate ?

daftdame Sat 07-Sep-13 11:20:46

I wouldn't ask. He might or might not remember to tell me. He would pay for school uniforms though, its a given.Our money discussions usually go, do you thinks its a good idea? Yes, do you? or What do you think? Can we afford it?

The only time we argued recently was because his account started to get overdrawn every month. I said he should have discussed it earlier so we could have started economising earlier. But we drew up a plan and it worked, so water under the bridge.

Pinkpinot Sat 07-Sep-13 11:21:22

He had basically underpaid tax so they were taking it out of his pay
Looks like its all repaid and his tax code gone back to normal
This makes a huge difference to our monthly financial situation and he hasn't told me
I think it's possible he hasn't told me because that would mean he now has funds to get his own place and I would ask him to leave

marriedinwhiteisback Sat 07-Sep-13 11:24:30

Do you want him to leave?

RandomMess Sat 07-Sep-13 11:24:39

ASk him to leave anyway?

I take it you want a divorce?

KirjavaTheCat Sat 07-Sep-13 11:25:07

If that's what you want, well, now you know. Ask him to leave!

ImperialBlether Sat 07-Sep-13 11:50:32

Well, by going out four times in a week to get pissed and by leaving you short of money, he's really showing you he wants to stay in the relationship, isn't he?

If he wanted to stay he'd be telling you about the money, making sure you weren't worrying about money and being really nice to you so that you would change your mind about him.

He's not done any of that, has he?

IneedAsockamnesty Sat 07-Sep-13 11:54:04

How many kids?

Pinkpinot Sat 07-Sep-13 11:55:16

We've had our ups and downs, to say the least
And he has moved out before, but we just can't afford it, so we've always just carried on

Tbh I think we've both got our head on the sand, thinking it can be fixed
Now we are so far removed from what a normal family should be

He just seems to do whatever he wants

But there is something really wrong here.
He's been through a massive amount of money this month
A lot of payments to credit card, and I don't see that statement, I'm just a 2nd cardholder.
And he has withdrawn a lot of cash, sometimes more than once a day
I don't get it

meditrina Sat 07-Sep-13 11:57:09

Is this really about the money (shit though his actions have been)?

Or is it his wider attitude? Hiding his income might be one symptom of someone who simply doesn't want to truly commit to family life and the real sharing it involves. Is he seeing 'his as his' and displaying no consideration for the needs of his family?

daftdame Sat 07-Sep-13 11:58:17

Has he a drink, or gambling problem? OW?

Pinkpinot Sat 07-Sep-13 11:58:20

Just one dc

WafflyVersatile Sat 07-Sep-13 12:09:47

I'd rustle up a budget template. Tell him 'we need to get our finances more organised so we know where our money is going and can budget properly. Let's sit down and do it at x time.' If he is not willing to do this then I don't think there is much hope and I'd give some serious thought about how best to end the relationship. And finding out about his finances by more covert means...

Opaque finances are rarely a good sign unless on account of one person not wanting to know and preferring to leave it to the other (and that isn't great either but for different reasons)

ImperialBlether Sat 07-Sep-13 12:32:50

Taking money out of the cashpoint more than once a day and having nothing to show for it indicates drinking or gambling or going out for meals/buying things for another woman, in my opinion.

Pinkpinot Sat 07-Sep-13 12:48:56

Yes Imperial
I'm going through some dates to try and make sense of this
Doesn't help that I was away for a bit, and then he went on a stag do

LegoLegoEverywhere Sat 07-Sep-13 13:29:30

As the second cardholder you can see the payments. Just give the credit card people a call. It will take a little time as they need to send you login details by post initially but it doesn't take too long.

Sounds like you really need to see the bill.

Pinkpinot Sat 07-Sep-13 13:30:41

I've got this horrible shaky feeling
Just had some lunch, but don't feel any better

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