To expect dh to do his share round the house??(18 Posts)
We are both self employed. Dh is full to, I work part time and do mot school runs, most child care and ALL the housework. Dh will play with the kids - age 9 and 6 - and take them to school, clubs etc. he does dishwasher, setting and clearing table but that is about It.
He is so fucking untidy it drives me batshit. I have started to book a cleaner every fe weeks. Last time she came was mid July. I have booked her for next week. Dh said 'again?' Implying she is coming too often.
i said I am fed up doing housework and being responsible for everything; what does he suggest? He last hoovered maybe 6 months ago, has cooked twice this year, never ever cleans bathrooms or tidies up. He never does tesco shop or meal planning.
He does work long hours and he says I should be grateful he is around to take kids to school etc. well, I am, bu they are his kids!! But I am fed up of working and dong everything, and feel very taken for granted. How do we move on from here? Housework is one of the few things we argue about. But we do argue about it a lot.
Sorry - iPad so crap typing.
Sorry for the typos. And I would be grateful for advice. We just go round in a circle.
Practical answer is to get a weekly cleaner. If that's not possible you need to explain to him why housework is not solely your responsibility and that kids are a JOINT responsibility and that him playing with them and taking them to school is not something you should be grateful for. When was he born FFS?
How many hours is he working, how many hours are you working, including housework?
Although it's not a solution, I've seen it suggested on here just to dump all his stuff in
the bin a box somewhere.
As well as showing how much crap he's leaving about, it keeps it clear and you're not running round after him as though you're his mum.
It doesn't take care of the other cleaning stuff, or him thinking of jobs as his responsibility though.
Shame if this is the only thing you're arguing about, unless you think it's an example of how he generally treats you/makes you feel? Taken for granted that you'll pick up the slack?
I do the Vast majority of family/school/domestic stuff. My DH leaves the house at 7.30 and is often home later than 8.30/9. I leave at 8.15 and am home by 6ish. I have five hours of paid help each week but I work full-time. I reckon the split is fair - we both contribute equal time but do it differently. If I worked part-time now the dc are older teenagers I would not expect paid help.
He sounds like he has a massive sense of entitlement - that because he has a penis the house work and childcare is not his responsibility. It's just bollocks! You may get better advice in relationships than in AIBU. If he is, in all other respects, reasonable and kind/loving etc, the tack I used on my DH was to point out that I was not his mother and treating me as such was a huge turn off. If he wanted a sex life he needed to treat me as a partner and not his mother/servant. It is a rather flippant thing to say but there is (to me at least) truth to the phrase that foreplay starts at the kitchen sink!. If there are wider issues then this will probably not work. Have you tried discussing it in a calm and reasonable manner? is he as grateful for the stuff you do as you are of his driving the children to school? He needs to have it pointed out that possession of a penis does not make him exempt from housework, that these things still need doing and just because you're female it doesn't mean it is automatically your job. Seriously, there is lots of fab advice on relationships that will help much better than this! Although to effect any change he has to step up and acknowledge the issue - that it is an issue and that he is part of the solution. this kind of behaviour really bugs me - do these men not realise that this is something that will, long term, affect the respect their partner has for them and ultimately the solidity of their marriage!
I second re-posting this in relationships. AIBU is notoriously shit for this sort of advice - it is predominantly along the lines of: suck it up, he works long hours, you're the wife, get on with it. You're more likely to get some helpful advice if you post this in relationships.
On a basic level, I think you probably are going to have to properly spell this out to him - after all, it is actual rocket science - so that he can physically see what sort of hours you're putting into the house and kids vs the hours he's putting in.
And Pilgit is 100% right - how on earth are you supposed to fancy someone who expecs this of you? This sort of thing is an utter passion-killer, and understandably so. Why would anyone fancy someone who treats them like a skivvy? Is this really what he wants from your relationship?
I told dh before I had kids and went part time that I was not going to be made a mug of.
my part time hours were to facilitate childcare and looking after dc and cleaning all the time (although I will do bits and clean up after myself)
I went so far as to tell him about all thehorrors of (sorry to say I did refer to them as) the mumsnet mugs who do everything.
we picked our favourite and least favourite house jobs, drew up a Rota and it is very evenly split
give him jobs, be blunt with him and give him some grief!
How many days/hours do you work and how many does he?
To be fair, with two school aged children and working part time you should be able to clear the bulk of the housework in his remaining working hours so that you can both have the same leisure and family time.
Thanks all. I work from 9 to 3 then most evenings And often at weekends. I am self employed and work from home so to a degree it's up to me how much work I take on - but it's hard to gauge it right all the time.
Dh works from home sometimes too, but if not he leaves the house about 8 and is usually back at 6 ish. He gets home early on Friday to take DS to a club. He works at home in the evenings too.
This time it's just the fact that he's cross I've booked the cleaner but has done nothing about doing any cleaning himself, thus implying it's my job. He's 50 btw. I have pointed out to him many times the link between sex and housework but he still doesn't get it. Arghhhh.
Well ask him then! If he doesn't want the cleaner to do it and he doesn't want to do it, who does he think is going to do it? Make him say that he expects you to do it and THEN you have an open door to tell him exactly why that's not going to happen.
I think you are being reasonable if he's only out of the house 8-6 and you are working similar hours around the kids. Not sure I quite get the message about sex though - I'm in charge of domestic stuff; DH brings home the bacon. But it makes us a team where all the parts contribute to a successful unit and the success of the unit brings empowerment to everyone. DH has never ever complained about cleaners though - I made it clear from day one that I wasn't brought up to expect to clean; I do though
and iron his pants and hankies just how he likes them
So from that description your DH does not work 'long hours', he simply works full time. And actually you aren't part time but probably working more hours than him.
Don't fall for his long hours shit ever again. And you can't be grateful for someone looking after their own children.
He sounds like my DH and I suspect that he doesn't do his share of the housework or want a cleaner because he would be quite happy to live in squalor.
I would just book a weekly cleaner with or without his approval. It will save a lot of arguments/stress.
There are 2 (linked) issues: his untidiness and the division of household tasks.
It sounds like you're both working FT. To see who's really doing the most, who gets the most time off to do their own thing? It should be equal. If it's not, talk to him. If he still doesn't get it he's a dick.
As for his untidiness, what would happen if you didn't follow him around picking up after him? Would he notice or complain? If so, he's a dick. If not, he's just untidy. Would be worth leaving his stuff/boxing it up to show the impact. It's disrespectful to make the whole family live in a mess.
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