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To think if he abandoned first kids, he's not worth knowing?

(76 Posts)
WibblyWoman Thu 05-Sep-13 13:20:15

My friends DP has a 5, 6 and 8 year old from a previous relationship whom he hasn't seen for 3 years. His ex stopped contact, he hasn't fought to reinstate it. My friend has a 2 year old with him. I can't help thinking he's the same age her DPs youngest was when he stopped having contact and that if they split its likely her ds will be abandoned too. She acknowledges that this concerns her too. I told her I wouldn't be with my DP if I thought he were incapable of abandoning his child(ren.) I appreciate I may have been unreasonable to share my opinion, but that isn't an unreasonable opinion to hold is it?

froubylou Fri 06-Sep-13 12:54:18

Dahlen they shouldn't have used the pepper spray and they shouldn't have arrested him and kept him in for 12 hours either. However the ex had told them he had a knife on him so they used extreme force to overwhelm him. He was black and blue, denied medical attention and kept in on her say so as she was 'frightened' of him.

When his brief arrived the next day at the police station he played merry hell and advised DP to file an official complaint against him. But this was the final nail in the coffin for him and he just wanted to see his kids at the end of the day.

I admit at the end of the day I was as sceptical as anyone at his story and thought he was exaggerating it all. However his late mother and his sister both tell the same story and the fact he was on AD's for 2 years afterwards sorts of backs up what he says.

As the DC are both now teenagers we have tried to track them down but the mother remarried and moved away, her family he knew are all now either moved away or deceased.

My sisters partner is also going through a similar situation at the moment for contact with his little girl. So far they have paid a 4 figures out in sols fee's, paid for drug and alcohol tests for both of them as the mother as accused both him and my dsis of being alcoholics and drug addicts (they aren't) and have secured 1 hours supervised visit at a contact centre once a week which the mother doesn't always turn up to. He has a son from a different relationship (he's now 10) who he has every weekend and most of the school holidays are spent at my sisters MIL during the day and with them overnight as his ex works F/T and it saves her the childcare costs. Plus he pays her £50 per week maintaince and buys him all his uniform, shoes and clothes.

So you can't say he is a bad father either? And the ex with the little girl was apparantly on the depo jab when she 'accidently' got pg. So he's not some numpty who goes around shirking his responsibilities either.

There are some useless wankers out there who abandon their DC. I was brought up by a stepdad as my own father did just that and fucked off to live in a kibutz when I was a few months old. My ex (although he has contact) doesn't pay a penny to the CSA as the contact order he has states that DD is with him more than 52 nights a year (she isn't) and he is on the dole. And has been for 7 years. And the only reason we went to court 3 times was as a bullying tactic from him to try and control me still. The court cases stopped when I advised my sols I would no longer be attending for that very reason.

So I can see both sides of the story when it comes to breakdowns in relationships. If you had listened to my ex he would have you believe I was denying contact (I never, ever did) and being delibrately obstructive by not letting her go for overnight visits to a houseshare of 3 men who I didn't know from adam when she was 2 years old. And then when she was 3 I was obstructive again when I said that the contacts had to be at a weekend or after school! And then when she was 4 I was an unfit mother because I had a new relationship and took her on holiday abroad.

Every relationship breakdown is different and complex. So you can not tar all men who don't see their DCs with the same brush.

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