To be annoyed at DP undermining me?

[WibblyWoman]

DP thinks I'm a control freak regarding our youngest dd and too easy on my eldest dd. I think he's undermining me with our youngest and intervening unnecessarily with my eldest.

Dd is just over one. She's a very poor eater but I'm working hard to have a consistent routine of ensuring she sits at the table at each mealtime, is offered food, no pressure or stress if she refuses etc. She's obviously hungry but food refusing. When DP had her last week he let her share a milkshake from McDonalds three times so she had around the equivalent of a large milkshake (15 spoons of sugar). I went there for a coffee with a friend this morning and dd was absolutely hysterical and trying to get other people's drinks thinking they're milkshakes. DP doesn't see the harm in giving her it but IMO it undermines everything I'm trying to achieve with encouraging her to eat as well as obviously being bad for her teeth, unhealthy and ridiculous that she's having McDonalds related tantrums at one. I've asked him to stop and he thinks we should just let her have that and whatever else (ice cream, cake etc) to fill her and worry about healthy eating later on.

Regarding my eldest dd who is 6 - she's been bickering with DP lately because he gets on her nerves and he thinks she is disobedient. For example; if dd is playing with something and I ask her to do something else (I.e wash hands ready for tea) then I ask her and carry on doing whatever knowing she will go and do it within in a minute or so. DP, however, stands over her and keeps demanding. For example; the other night I was brushing DDs teeth. When I finished I asked her to put the brush back then come to her room and left the bathroom to sort younger dd. She continued to brush her teeth and DP stood telling her to put the brush back - he tends to ask once within 10 seconds of non-compliance then repeats her name every 5 seconds or so til she gets irritated and snaps at him to leave her alone. He then tells her she's rude, she says there's no need to interfere when I've already asked her to do something, he says she's disobedient etc. I agree with her that his behaviour is annoying and unnecessary but he still thinks she's being disobedient.

AIBU in thinking he's making my job a lot more difficult and he isn't in the right here?

[DoJo]

Am I understanding correctly that your older child is not your partner's biological daughter but your youngest is? Do you think this is making a difference to how he treats them?

[WibblyWoman]

No she isn't but he's been around since she was one. I think it's the age that makes the difference tbh, he sees no point trying to enforce anything with younger ones until he deems them old enough to understand properly.

[ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee]

I think your daughter is right - he's an annoying fuck.

He is also being ridiculous about allowing your youngest DD to have all that milkshake, cake & crap. She's one FFS.

I'm getting too old and too jaded to put up with this kind of crap so I'd LTB I don't need someone around who acts like a twat and makes my life harder - do you?

[comingalongnicely]

Jesus Chipping, nothing like bitter & twisted!!

I'd honestly say that comments like yours say more about the poster than giving any valid input to the OP & are a total waste of time. If you've got nothing constructive to add....

[LemonPeculiarJones]

He's being an idiot. Your kids deserve better.

Is he utterly wonderful in other ways?!

[meditrina]

In the nicest possible way, you are both in the wrong.

Instead of parenting together, you are both treating each other as an opponent. And that's not healthy for either your relationship or the parenting outcomes for either DC.

I'd say you need to talk to each other more, and work these things out together. He needs to understand that that him doing things out of the blue makes you feel that your view of parenting is undervalued and that hurts your feelings. You need to give equal time to his views on parenting, in the realisation that no one way of doing things is guaranteed to bring a specific outcome. If he was less strict about instant obedience, would you be less strict about occasional sips of a milkshake? You need to communicate with him about where you are both going to be strict, and where you are both going to be flexible. Working on better communication between the two of you is likely to bring benefits all round.

[comingalongnicely]

^^^^^^

This

[WibblyWoman]

Haha love the honesty Chipping. He's meant to be looking after our youngest next week while I work 2 days but the following 2 days are misery for dd and I as I won't let her have sugary foods, encourage her to sit at the table, don't let her hold/chew keys etc, stop her hitting the TV etc - he thinks if she's survived the day without being miserable he's done a good job but he doesn't realise (or maybe just doesn't care) that he makes my life so much harder. When it's just the girls and I things are harmonious; within 5 mins of him being back he's lecturing elder dd/following younger dd around so she clings to me and its driving me nuts. I think he has good intentions and thinks he's backing me up with elder dd and trying to interact with younger dd but it just feels like he's intervening unnecessarily. For example, I'm usually cooking tea when he gets home. If younger dd is playing she'll greet him then go back to playing but he'll go and pick her up/take her in another room so she tries to come running back to me.

[Andro]

stands over her
keeps demanding
repeats her name every 5 seconds

That sounds intimidating to me, I wouldn't be impressed.

Is your DP you eldest child's father? He sounds like he wants to pander your youngest instead of parent her, whilst being over-critical of the older one. Most parents would love knowing that a request would be followed within a minute or so!

[Andro]

X-posts, he's not the eldest one's father.

[WibblyWoman]

Meditrina - I see your point but the difference is I don't do anything that makes his/the dcs life more difficult whereas his behaviour is affecting the dc.

[WibblyWoman]

Andro - he's really softly spoken so it is more irritating than intimidating but annoying and unnecessary nonetheless.

[Jessicarthorse]

You need to protect your eldest DD from this. She will come to hate him soon.

[WibblyWoman]

I think she's really starting to resent him but he plays the victim and says she won't stop arguing with him. I've said it takes two to argue, that she is 6 and he's an adult and he needs to stop behaving as though she's as capable of logical reasoning as him.

[Andro]

he plays the victim

He needs to grow up! Like you said, he's the adult and he needs to act like it - that goes for the childish repetition of her name every 5 seconds as well.

[sisterofmercy]

Meditrina - I see your point but the difference is I don't do anything that makes his/the dcs life more difficult whereas his behaviour is affecting the dc.

From your point of view yes. From his, maybe not.

You both think that the other parent is being too hard with one child and too laid back with the other one but you disagree which one is which. I think Meditrina's advice is still valid.

Judging by all those tv shows which were all the rage years ago like Supernanny and that one where loads of mums and dads went into a big house together with Tanya Byron, getting an inconsistent message from mum and dad seemed to be the main reason the children got confused, unhappy and frightened so I can see why this is worrying you.

[Sirzy]

I think Meditrina has given the most sensible advice on this thread. You need to be working in partnership not against each other

[ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee]

comingalongnicely - when I want your permission to have an opinion I'll ask for it but please don't hold your breath.

Wibbly - He is treating the girls differently. Now, whether this is down to being DD2's bio Dad and not DD1's OR their age, who knows, only time will tell. The trouble is, that you have several more years of his annoying behaviour to put up with and DD1 is being damaged by this NOW. It has to stop. You can't let it go on like this, for either girls sake... or yours.

[meganorks]

I agree with the others that you need to (calmly) discuss some things and work I'm partnership to make sure you are being consistent. While I don't think the odd sugary thing is the end of the world, 1 is very young to start with that and particularly if she isn't feeding well.

One simple thing though - I would just avoid McDonald's altogether for as long as possible. There other places you could grab a coffee. Get your maccy D's fix when the kids aren't with you!

[Retroformica]

I'd ask him to wait 5 mins after an instruction before he nags.

I'd be very firm about giving healthy foods. I think that she is at a critical picky eater/drinker stage wise. Your DD is flexing her muscles to get food she prefers. Its a slippery slope if she gets her own way its a quick road to her eating a cack diet. Your attitude of presenting her with normal healthy food but not stressing about wether she eats or not is the best way. It was my approach too and now I have 4 kids who eat anything.

Also why would he want to give your DD a sweet tooth? In the long term it will have a negative health impact.

[Retroformica]

I think he needs to develop and build a bond with the eldest. Make take up a hobby together - cycling or something