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to not have considered this cheating?

(101 Posts)
SorryAndConfused Mon 02-Sep-13 21:35:57

DH recently found out that during the first year of our relationship, I had a few encounters with another girl. We were 19, I didn't tell him at the time as I presumed he wouldn't 'mind'. In my defense, he and many of our other male friends would go on about girl on girl being 'hot' (I know that sounds lame and embarrassing, but we were teenagers).

Well, he is very cross. Bear in mind, we are 7 years on now - married with a child. He knew that I'd had these experiences before our relationship, so it's not like he's shocked by the nature of it. I have made a genuinely apology, but he says he is disappointed in me.

Not to sound extremely childish, but he did his fair share of lying in that first year too!

Yes we sound childish, but we are now married with 2 children and a lot more mature.

Was I wrong? I have apologised over and over..

bimbabirba Mon 02-Sep-13 22:15:25

The problem you have is you've lost his trust and his pride has taken a beating. That's why he's pissed off.
I don't think cheating in the very early stages of a relationship is as serious as later on when commitment and promises have been made.
Still bad though and you'll have to be patient with him. It will pass.

mynameismskane Mon 02-Sep-13 22:16:01

So he cheated on you but he is mad at you?! He is being very hypocritical.

kali110 Mon 02-Sep-13 22:17:04

Yes but u cant use the excuse he should be more lenient because you agreed to put it behind you. Yes it was disgusting what he did but you knew, you could have told him but you didnt.

SarahPercyAndBill Mon 02-Sep-13 22:17:38

My apologies then. What are the odds two women cheat on their partner with a female, and the partner discovers by accident years later into the marriage /children. Consider yourself lucky, in the other scenario the husband did considered it an affair, questioned their entire history /relationship upon discovering his wife had been lying about it for years, and I forget whether he left or just took a long break. The OP didn't get the responses she had expected.

kali110 Mon 02-Sep-13 22:18:35

Def think his pride has taken a beating as it was another woman, but he's prob more hurt the fact that you lied. You two decided to make a new start but you didn't tell him and even now he found out from a third party.

kali110 Mon 02-Sep-13 22:19:36

Sarah what responses did the op expect to get?

SorryAndConfused Mon 02-Sep-13 22:19:38

I have genuinely not posted about this before Sarah - but I do consider myself lucky that my husband isn't planning on leaving me over this, and I have stood by him through many things too!

LoopThePoop Mon 02-Sep-13 22:19:40

Tell him you'll make it up to him by having a threesome with the woman of his choosing.
I bet he will forgive you...


Oxen Mon 02-Sep-13 22:21:14

OP would it be fair to say that your DH does not feel threatened by this 'encounter' because he knows you are not gay?

Sometimes we compare ourselves to and feel threatened by members of the same sex - you with another woman all those years ago does not threaten him if he believes you are not gay, another man may be a threat. I could be talking nonsense, just my opinion.

FWIW OP it was cheating and perhaps you should have told him rather than a bolt out the blue from a mutual friend - could this be why he is pissed off?

SorryAndConfused Mon 02-Sep-13 22:26:17

I actually think that's spot on Oxen - he knows I'm not gay, so he's not afraid that I liked somebody else more. It's the principle, but I suppose that's fair enough.

Oxen Mon 02-Sep-13 22:31:45

Well if that's the case OP then he needs to process this and be allowed to get over it. Forget about who did what to who as it sounds a little bit competitive 'pissed-off-ness' not a word I know but you get the gist.

Reading between the lines I reckon you both will get over this - good luck smile

maddening Mon 02-Sep-13 22:32:33

the thing is you knew about his infidelity and had the choice to stay with him and have had time to get over it.

this is new to him - he has been lied to and having not had the choice to accept your infidelity and move on or leave the relationship before you got to the point of being married with 2 dc - so he has to accept it or lose a lot.

you should give him time and well through it with him accepting his right to feel angry and betrayed and consolidate his feelings.

GetStuffezd Mon 02-Sep-13 22:38:16

Hang on, I'm not sure about the argument about him knowing you're not gay.
You may not identify as gay, but you do have sex with women. So can he be sure you won't do it again? Not saying you will, obviously, but how does he know that?

StuntGirl Mon 02-Sep-13 22:39:04

Of course it's cheating hmm

Of course he's upset.

You need to get over this hurt puppy 'but it wasn't really cheating/he did it too' thing and think about how you're going to work on rebuilding the trust in your marriage.

Lilacroses Mon 02-Sep-13 22:47:07

I think you are getting a tough time here and I say that as someone who has very.strong feelings about infidelity. I can absolutely understand his shock and anger at learning this about you so long after the event. However, he is being hugely hypocritical if he continues to hold it against you for much longer bearing in mind his own actions and your age. Many will disagree but I think that is highly relevant. Many people experiment at that age and you have both moved on. I agree with you that it sounds like he may be milking this a bit and relishing the chance to take the moral high ground.

SorryAndConfused Mon 02-Sep-13 22:47:30

I'm genuinely not gay, bi-curious at most.

GetStuffezd Mon 02-Sep-13 22:48:46

The labels aren't important - it's the actions!

SorryAndConfused Mon 02-Sep-13 23:00:26

I know sad

maddening Mon 02-Sep-13 23:06:06

and he's probably felt bad and carried guilt when all this time you did the same - that would piss me off - all that time feeling guilty.

SorryAndConfused Mon 02-Sep-13 23:07:25

I've not made him feel guilty though, it was resolved years ago and I've never brought it up!

SisterMonicaJoan Mon 02-Sep-13 23:09:23

You didn't at the time but do you consider what you did cheating now op?

thebody Mon 02-Sep-13 23:10:42

sorry if I missed a post but why did you tell him?

Lilacroses Mon 02-Sep-13 23:11:29

Well yes I agree with that maddening but at the same time he did exactly the same, or possibly more dishonest things and while op was upset about them she has moved on. Don't get me wrong, I have never cheated but have been cheated on but I think it's very unfair to have an extreme reaction when you have done the same yourself and have been forgiven. Hopefully in time he will do the same op.

SorryAndConfused Mon 02-Sep-13 23:12:56

Thank you so much Lilac - fingers crossed!

SorryAndConfused Mon 02-Sep-13 23:13:24

I guess it was SisterMonica - I didn't tell him thebody a mutual friend mentioned it.

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