Advanced search

too expect my ex to support me

(34 Posts)
zoelikesjam Mon 02-Sep-13 19:12:00

okay, so after 7years hubby has left me. totally gutted but thats another thread. anyway, i am disabled so cant work, but do get some benefits. Am i being unreasonable to expect him to look after me financially for a while till i find my feet? Our daughter lives with his mother, but spends three days a week with me and i am struggling to cope money wise. I dont want to rely on him at all but dont feel i have a choice.

QueenofallIsee Mon 02-Sep-13 19:42:49

Sorry OP but you are a bit. You of course should get a share of any joint assets but I am not of the opinion that anyone should be paid maintenance except a dependant child. As you are not your DDs primary carer and that does not apply, I think you should be reviewing your benefit claim as a single person

WhoNickedMyName Mon 02-Sep-13 19:43:48


NotSuchASmugMarriedNow Mon 02-Sep-13 19:45:05


CocacolaMum Mon 02-Sep-13 19:48:09

well, in my opinion YABU but that said if his income is much larger than yours I think you can apply for spousal maintenance. I think you need to speak to CAB about reviewing your benefits claim first though for the sake of any relationship you hope to have in the future and for the sake of your daughter. May I ask why your daughter lives with your MIL?

NatashaBee Mon 02-Sep-13 19:50:09

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CocacolaMum Mon 02-Sep-13 19:51:48

Op I just wanted to say also, I am really sorry you are in this situation. Its never an easy place to be but try to see it as a positive and have an unmumsnetty hug

WeAreEternal Mon 02-Sep-13 19:52:25

You are not the residential parent of the DC so you shouldn't be entitled to any maintenance.

Sorry but YABU, your ex does not have to financially support you. If you are unable to work at all in any kind of job then you will be entitled to the appropriate benefits for a single disabled person, I suggest you look into that.

Artesia Mon 02-Sep-13 19:55:28

Not sure if is relevN in your case, but i think it partly depends on whether you have made financial "sacrifices" on the assumption that you will remain married/ with joint finances. In my case, I was awarded spousal as well as child maintenance, and one of the main factors was that I had given up (with agreement/encouragement) from Exh a well-paid career, to look after our baby on the understanding that Exh would support the family financially.

Although after he left I returned to work, it was acknowledged by the court that I couldn't return on the basis I had previously worked (15 hour days, weekends etc) and care for our son, so I was awarded maintenance to compensate for loss of earnings, pension etc.

Lweji Mon 02-Sep-13 19:55:33

How old is your daughter?

You may be able to claim maintenance from him if you didn't work and have no other income.
Check with a solicitor asap.

In the meantime:

waltzingmathilda Mon 02-Sep-13 19:56:37

Well, yes and no. Once upon a time husbands used to be responsible for their ex wives, then they all wanted equality - thats why the state looks after you now.

Spousal support, if not abolished, should be. There is no reason why an adult cannot support themselves - and the state does step in.

Lweji Mon 02-Sep-13 20:05:03


How are your finances?
Whatever money he has in the bank, you should be entitled to half of it, just not his future earnings.

Artesia Mon 02-Sep-13 20:05:51

Disagree on a blanket "spousal support should be abolished". There are many, many families where, by joint agreement, One party has put their career on hold, and even if they haven't stopped work altogether, has stepped away from promotions etc to pick up a bigger share of child care in order to free the other up to pursue their career. In doing so, they have not only given up salary at the time, but pension accrual, chance of future promotion etc. if they subsequently split, how should that be recognised if not by way of spousal maintenance?

Plenty of SAHM on here to testify to the difficulty in returning to work after years out raising a family. It's not always as straight forward as saying "well they should support themselves", especially if they need to work around school hours etc, while the other parent doesn't have such restrictions.

Xales Mon 02-Sep-13 20:08:09

You say your DD spends 3 days with you. Is that nights too?

If so then I think it is reasonable that he should pay for the time DD is with you.

HappySeven Mon 02-Sep-13 20:54:48

Go and see the CAB, spousal maintenance does still exist (I know someone who receives it) but it will depend upon both of your circumstances. Get some proper advice.

HappyMummyOfOne Mon 02-Sep-13 21:05:09

I'd agree spousal support should be abolished too. Its rare that an adult needs the other not too work so that he/she can. We have cleaners/nannies/ flexible working and thousands of families seem to manage with two working adults. Theres also the fact that many SAHMs do so because they believe it is their right and the husbands dont always have a say in it. Many never gave up high earning jobs in the first place. I doubt many men actually forbid their wives from working.

OP, given your child lives elsewhere then YABU to expect him to support you. You mention short term but given you cant work its not like asking him to a couple of months until employment. You claim benefits already so have an "income".

Artesia Mon 02-Sep-13 22:27:51

Apologies OP, don't mean to hijack the thread, and turn it into a debate, but genuinely puzzled by Happily's post.

Setting aside the fact that there are circumstances in which you simply can't both pursue your careers to their full ( unless you have nannies on hand 24/7, willing to work at no notice, inc weekends and bank hols), then how do you propose the system should deal with families who choose, jointly, to have one parent at home because they simply want to bring their family up that way, then later split? Should no recognition be given for the years the non-working parent was at home and the fact that it's not that easy to re-establish themselves in employment? Or should all parents have to carry on working, just in case?

zoelikesjam Tue 03-Sep-13 09:18:45

Thanks for all your replies. I wasnt sure where i stood. DD lives with her nana because I couldnt cope with the daytoday sch run etc. She is five. MIL receives CB and tax credits, and we both, as a couple paid CM to her. Now I get DD three nights/four days a week and just thought as it was a sort of half half time split I he might help out a little. Ho hum smile onwards and upwards

Xales Tue 03-Sep-13 09:45:23

I think as you have your DD 3 nights/4 days he should be paying you something for her. That is pretty much a 50/50 split with his mother.

that is completely different to supporting another adult.

ChocHobNob Tue 03-Sep-13 10:03:30

The other parent(s) are required to pay child maintenance to the parent/guardian who receives child benefit for the child. So it is still his mother who should receive child maintenance.

Child maintenance and child focused benefits do not take into account shared care.

FreudiansSlipper Tue 03-Sep-13 10:09:27


you are not in the situation where you can support yourself at this point in time

you make a commitment with someone, you have a child you have responsibilities towards them he should at least be giving you some maintenance

ChocHobNob Tue 03-Sep-13 10:18:46

Technically the OP isn't the resident parent though. The MIL is.

This is exactly the same as a mother who has their child with then 4 nights a week and dad has the child 3 nights a week. The mother would not be expected the pay the dad maintenance.

jacks365 Tue 03-Sep-13 10:19:25

Spousal support is a funny one because it does depend on circumstances so in mine it was accepted that continuing my career would have been detrimental to my husbands ( frequent location changes for work purposes) so spousal support was deemed appropriate in my case however it is very much on a case by case basis. What you do need to discuss though is maintenance payments since you are now having your daughter 50/50 then that needs to be reflected in who receives maintenance.

justbeginning Tue 03-Sep-13 10:28:53

Have you sought legal advice OP? I also have disability issues which mean that I can't work, and in my divorce I was awarded spousal maintenance as it was recognised that I had a high level of needs and a low ability to earn my own income. Spousal maintenance is not common these days especially if both people work, but it can be awarded if one party cannot support themselves without payments from the other. It is not just about the financial sacrifices made, although this is relevant for sahms. But I was already unable to work when I got married, so it wasn't the case that I'd given up a career - it was just that it was clear that there was enough money in the joint assets and I was unable to support myself. If your health problems mean that you cannot work, that could apply in your case too. So I would definitely arrange to see a family lawyer.

It sounds like you're not paying child maintenance through the CSA, but their calculations use a principle of reducing the amount paid for each night the child spends with a non-resident parent. So if you're paying CM as a couple, you could reduce your own CM payments for the nights that your child spends with you.

KellyElly Tue 03-Sep-13 12:59:16

I was awarded spousal maintenance as part of my divorce settlement (around 6/7 years ago) and we had no children or assets. He earned a considerable amount more than I did and we have been living together for nearly ten years. The maintenance was paid for one year. You need to seek good legal advice.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: