To not want my mother in the delivery room(72 Posts)
My Mother has weird ideas about people who scream when giving birth. When previously we've watched One born every minute, she's been very vocal and told me that women shouldn't scream in labour (she had a c section with me so I feel it's unfair for her to say this). She's also very skittish and would make me very nervous, she hates it if I've ever been ill and bombards me with phone calls/visits until I feel better. I had a headache on Thursday and bumped into my auntie on Friday who was surprised to see me up and walking after speaking to my mother who had made out I was at deaths door.
However, she's taken the idea of not being allowed into the room very badly, she's very upset, very emotional and won't speak to me without shouting at me. This would be her first grandchild and she relies on me a lot since my father passed away nearly 5 years ago, so she feels this is a betrayal. It's made her become uber competitive with my MIL and if we visit PIL she screams at me that I don't visit her, (I go out shopping with her almost every single weekend). I love my mother loads and I'm not going to distance myself from her because I'm all she has. Also, I have a very strong suspicion that she is bi-polar, which would explain a lot of her more random behaviour, but I don't know what to do.
Would it be easier to have her in the delivery room and have a quieter stress free pregnancy or should I not have her in the delivery room and possibly have a very stressful pregnancy?
My midwife was quite prepared to lie to people about this. The hospital would actually allow two people in the delivery room, but if you only wanted one and were being hassled by someone wanting to be with you, my mw was quite prepared to lie to any mothers/sisters/aunts etc that only one person was allowed in. She spoke to a couple of people on the phone for various friends. It's your birth, you decide who should be there with you.
Horses for courses of course, but mine was not in the delivery room for any of my 5 births. I do love my mum and all, but it never would have even crossed my mind to propose it.
I just didn't need any kind of audience!
You don't need someone who's likely to be making things extra stressful in there with you when you're in labour.
I had DS alone as DH as away on a work trip & couldn't get back home in time after I went into labour - when it became clear how quickly things were progressing, the midwives offered to ring my mum so she could come in. They'd sent her home earlier as they (wrongly) thought DS would take at least another 10 - 12 hrs to arrive. I love my mother dearly, but I told the midwives not to call her, as I felt that the last thing I needed at that point was having to deal with trying to keep my mum calm and stop her from fussing and worrying about me and what was happening (my mum can get very anxious about things).
I agree with the suggestions about not telling her you're in labour, if possible. Or telling her that you're only allowed one birth partner, who will of course be DH?
IMO labour is defintely worthwhile screaming through! I did a hypnobirthing course and started out doing the relaxation / deepbreathing. But ultimately I found screaming the place down far more therapeutic and satisfying - a much better way of managing labour! I managed 2 births on screaming and shouting, and a small bit of gas and air at the very end. I did feel sorry for anyone else trying to give birth in the hospital, or indeed within a 20-mile radius.
On a serious note, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but I really foresee greater problems ahead with your relationship with your mother. No-matter how deeply you love your mother, your priorities change when you have a baby and your mother may very well struggle when you have to focus on your baby more than you do on her. Also, if there's jealousy between her and your PIL now, that is going to get 100 times worse once baby is actually here. I have no idea how this can best be managed, but I suggest that you think she might be bi-polar, now would be a good time to seek further help.
Do you know what happened in her own labour, does she talk about it at all? Her own preconceived ideas about giving birth now in contrast to giving birth to you may be colouring her thoughts at the moment. She may have felt that things were taken out of her control by her own Mother or have an issue with her own experience that she needs to sort out.
Having gone down the psychobabble route though I would say no way in hell would I want her there! My DH was the only one I even considered and he made it to 2 of the 3 births (second one went so quickly he missed it ). My Mum didn't ask and didn't want to my MIL was another story but backed down very quickly when I made it clear that it was not going to be a family party...
Good God horrific idea. I love my DM very much and we have a great relationship but no way on God's good green would I want her near the delivery room. I also think it's vey hard for any mother to see their child in distress or pain and judging by what you've said your mum mightn't handle that so well.
I agree with what others have said, don't tell her when you go into labour, and if she finds out, make sure the midwives know she's not to be let into the room.
Do not have her in the delivery room.
Her mental health is not your responsibility, this doesn't mean you should distance your self of that you can't try and accommodate her some of the time. But ultimately it is not up to you to placate her irrational feelings. Loving her does not mean you have to get drawn in.
Don't have her in there or at the hospital. Its not fair to your dh she muscles in- you don't want her taking the baby off you, telling dh he should be outside etc etc. things have changed so much since you were born and she will, by the sounds of it, make it a miserable experience and all about her, like she is now!
I agree with posters pointing out that no matter how much you love her, the baby is yours and your dh. And you will need time after the birth to be a family unit ( you, dh and baby) if you need help you can ask.
She is being very insensitive and clearly likes her own way. Stand up to her now, before she wrecks the birth, and then the first few weeks of having a baby at home. It isn't helpful in the long run to have your mum whisking the baby off for baths etc- you won't get the confidence to do it yourself and she might, like my mil, resent you bf as she wants to bottle feed and hold the baby.
Its not about her. Its about you, your dh and the baby.tell her until she stops insisting and making a fuss to leave you alone as stress is not good for the baby.
I only know one person who had their Mum with them that was because she was single (twunt partner left her whilst pregnant), it isn't the norm.
Say that she is not going to be there but tell her that you will let her know when you are going into hospital and that she can be the first person to see the baby but then don't tell her and make it clear to mid wife that you only want DH. Dont tell her that ou a in labor.
Good luck, I hope that you have a good, quick labor like I did!
So weird. I don't understand why a mother would assume she had some kind of entitlement to be present when her daughter gave birth. I certainly wouldn't make that assumption if it was my daughter. Giving birth is a very private intense experience and it doesn't help to have other people around (especially if they're going to get upset if you make a noise.)
But I can see why you don't want to have a stressful pregnancy arguing about it either, OP, so I don't really have a solution. Perhaps you can have a delaying tactic, e.g. "let's see how we all feel nearer the time."
Sorry, just reread & noticed that she had a csection with you.
So, did she ever give birth with her own mum watching?
Or even at home & trying to keep quiet?
Some women want their mums there, some don't.
It wasn't ever even mentioned.
Nor did anyone know that I was in labour with PFB.
They were told after he was born.
Where did your mum give birth then, OP, & was her mum with her?
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Phone her when you have given birth, or have your partner phone her very soon to you delivering and have her accidentally but on purpose miss it.
She sounds like hard work. Don't have her there it will make things worse for you. You need someone cool and calm and less self obsessed.
I don't even need to read the whole OP to say YANBU!!
My own DD is 18, has just moved in with her DBF and they are talking
far too early if you ask me, but they aren't asking me so I'm not saying about having a baby within the next couple of years. She was talking about it the other day and said in a rather worried tone 'I hope you don't mind Mother (she revertes to mother when concerned, although we are far from a mother type family) but I do not want you to be my birthing partner, I want (DBFs name) to be it'
My reply, 'Goodness me, I would not expect to be, after all, (DBFs name) will have been the one to cause your pain, he should be the one to witness it. I do not want to hear my precious girl cry out in pain of labour'.
As far as I am concerned, her partner should be there, not me. Maybe a friend who has had a baby. I am not the person to do that!!
Have who you want there and don't try to keep anyone happy. I had my mum there, but me and dp had talked it through beforehand, and my mum was quite shocked to be asked. She was asked because I knew she would be supportive but not overbearing, and respectful of me and dp with our dd. Your mum is just going to stress you out at a time when you need focus. Set your boundaries now before it's too late.
I never considered anyone except dp to be at the birth.
Go with the most supportive person/people at the birth. Tell her she can be one of the first visitors.
Sometimes you just need to take a stand against mothers like that. Just laugh it off and say 'you must be joking!- No way'.
A bit controversial, but could you perhaps just string it along (thus ensuring a peaceful pregnancy) then just make something up when it comes to going into labour? (maybe staying at home until contractions are really close, then getting a call out to her from the hospital just before the crucial bit, so she wouldn't have time to get there?) I know that sounds really sneaky and underhand - but she doesn't sound all that helpful!
I didn't tell my mum I was planning a homebirth with my last. She was in the delivery room with my first, and not very helpful! I wanted a homebirth with my second and it sent her into a total hypochondriac mess - "at home?! What if you bleed out? You're mad. You'll want more than G&A. The baby might die. You might DIE" and so on. She shit the life out of me enough to have it her way, and DD2 was born in hospital!
With my third, I had her at home, and told mum after the event. Lovely labour, Inbetweeners inbetween contractions. Cider for the MW afterwards - about as blissful as labour can be. And I moo'd like a dairy cow - just because I could. It's my house and I'll moo if I want to kinda thing.
So anyway, a sympathetic and understanding YANBU from me!
Definitely not unreasonable, OP. However, you know your mum will think you are, so you'll have to make sure you stick to your guns no matter what she says. Get your H on board as backup.
There's no law that says you have to have anyone in the room with you, and trust me, a birth partner who is there for themselves rather than you will not help things go smoothly. Actually, the same goes for a birth partner who feels they 'have' to be there, instead of wanting to be there.
Why would she even think she would be there?
Having a baby is not a spectator sport; mother and father of the baby only in this house.
Do NOT let her attend the labour, I'm sure it would be a wonderful experience for her
unless she stresses you out so much you need a EMCS but it isn't about her.
Best of luck after the birth, I agree with the other posters it might be best to set some boundaries now. She might no want to leave your side once her gc arrives.
totally agree with Amothersplaceisintheroom.
you need to withdraw a little now as when baby comes you don't want to shop every weekend with her or have her every weekend.
I do feel so sorry for her loosing your dad but YOU are the important one here. NOT her.
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