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to want MIL and SIL to stay in a hotel

(92 Posts)
HollieHelen Mon 02-Sep-13 13:58:30

... and not in the living room of our small 3-bed terrace when they come over to stay for a week??
We have no living area when they're staying and everything gets very tense / claustrophobic.
DH has accused me of being inhospitable (fair comment) BUT I have done some unforgivable things to him this past year and have a lot of making up to do.
Just can't stand the thought of the invasion though ...

Viking1 Tue 17-Sep-13 19:07:53

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

olgaga Tue 17-Sep-13 18:50:33

Quite honestly my own family would never have lumbered me with a week long visit.

I think OPs DH should man up and say we just don't have the room for a week long visit.

If he doesn't want to do that he should make sure he takes on the lion's share of entertaining and feeding his guests - not have a go at OP for lacking hostess skills when she has children to look after and a house to run.

Viking1 Tue 17-Sep-13 10:57:50

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SeaSickSal Tue 17-Sep-13 10:17:48

Would you send your family to a hotel if they wanted to visit?

someoneelsegottherefirst Tue 17-Sep-13 10:04:28

I don't think that having had the affair, means that you have to put up with everything else your husband wants. The two things are separate. You need to rebuild trust and that might mean giving access to phone records, or not having locks on phones, but it doesn't mean giving in to everything he wants at the expense of your own happiness.

The two of you need to be equals within your relationship and that will never happen of you feel you have to give in all the time.

Your husband made a choice to stay with you - you need to work on having a relationship that meets both of your needs. It's not healthy to feel you 'owe' him to the extent where you compromise more than you should in a fair, equal relationship.

Viking1 Tue 17-Sep-13 09:45:18

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

yomellamoHelly Tue 17-Sep-13 09:31:03

Can you clear your lounge / bathroom / kitchen of any detritus which you and your family have in there to make tidying up / deep cleaning easier? Extra bins? Disposable things where possible? Have a new shower curtain at the ready for after?

My family don't really compare to yours, but have done cleaning at silly o'clock in the morning (after feeding the baby and while everyone else is asleep) to keep on top of it / feel in control of place.

LadyClariceCannockMonty Tue 17-Sep-13 09:25:17

I agree, this is your DH's problem responsibility as well as yours. Maybe more than it is yours.

DontmindifIdo Tue 17-Sep-13 09:22:14

have you offered the hotel room to them and are sure they'd be offended? I mean, they might be offended if you wouldn't let them stay and they thought they had to pay for it, but a paid for hotel close to your house might seem like a treat. Could you compromise with DH, say you will host them if they prefer, but he has to call them tonight and say "Mum, was thinking, it's really rubbish you have to sleep on the floor as we can't afford a guest room, HollieHelen and I wondered if you'd rather we paid for a hotel room for you near by. If you're happy to sleep on the floor you're welcome, but we thought we'd offer you the hotel option, and I will insist on paying for your room. You can be here all day I just feel bad I can't offer you a comfy bed."

See what they say, put like that, they might prefer it. He's still 'hosting' them, just in a hotel/B&B.

and the SIL does sound like she needs medical help - that's not normal.

(the affair is a side issue, although I can see why you'd be reluctant to stand up for yourself now, you can't, however let it be a stick he beats you with every time he doesn't get his own way, or else you're going to end up having another affair, and this time not staying with him)

MrsOakenshield Tue 17-Sep-13 09:13:36

is there any way your could get some cheap bedding for your SIL's bed and then bin it once she's gone?

olgaga Tue 17-Sep-13 09:04:56

I have some experience of this, I hate it! Suggestions:

A week is a long time - too long for any of you to give up your bedrooms for.

Just because they are visiting doesn't mean your house is their home. Your priority is your children, not your visitors. If they want to stay for a week in your living room that's fine but they need to make way and fit in with your routine. That includes staying up late if necessary, being woken early and getting up, through the bathroom out of the way if your morning routine with the DC requires.

They are your DHs family. Ask him how HE is planning to entertain them and draw up a schedule of days out/meals out.

Suggest he takes them on a sightseeing trip involving a couple of overnights in a B&B midweek to give you and the DC a break.

Point out that he can take time off work, but you can't - your workload (laundry, tidying/cleaning/shopping, food prep/cooking, entertaining the DC/trips to the park etc) doesn't disappear!

Disregard your feelings of being on the back foot - be fair but assertive. If he's forgiven you that should be the end of it. You can't be expected to "make up for it" forever.

ZillionChocolate Tue 17-Sep-13 07:45:48

Helenafalco, I assume she was shaving it off and leaving a mess in the sink.

helenafalco Tue 17-Sep-13 07:24:22

I am struggling to see what her facial hair has got to do with anything?
However YANBU personally I hate staying in people's homes a night or two no problem but i couldn't do a week.

homeagain Tue 17-Sep-13 02:51:11

I really don't think it's unreasonable to suggest a hotel to someone who sprayed poo over your bathroom. I wouldn't be in a hurry to invite someone back if they did that.

EldritchCleavage Mon 16-Sep-13 12:17:48

Your DH does need to step up to manage the visit though. Like telling them as soon as they arrive not to chuck stuff around and treat you like a maid. o clear up after themselves as they go along.

Otherwise you might need to go to a hotel...

I know you're on the back foot with your DH but there is an issue with lack of respect for you lurking here, in my view. By DH and his relatives. Staying with people in their living room for a whole week is imposition enough, why can't he just say 'Try not to be skanky mares while you're here, eh?'

HollieHelen Mon 16-Sep-13 11:55:58

Nope - not awkward at all!!

Never offer to help out with anything, or cook etc. They totally see us as free accommodation - but for them that's the point. i.e. it's DH who chose to live overseas in the UK and a result of that choice is having to host family. I do see their point of view, but I resent it a bit!

Moose, yes, knackered and resentful about sums me up!!!

yummymumtobe Mon 16-Sep-13 11:46:29

A week is way too long for a visit. I think anything more than 2 or 3 nights you are not a visitor but someone looking for free accomodation! If you stay that long you should chip in with chores, cook a meal etc. I would feel very uncomfortable staying in someone's lounge - surely they would feel awkward about this?

FrauMoose Mon 16-Sep-13 11:38:25

I think it's being a good host to want to look after guests by making them decent meals, having interesting conversations etc etc.

It is pretty hard to do this if a) one's knackered after cleaning up after people with very little sense of housekeeping and personal hygiene and b) one is simmering with resentment.

So I'd argue one can do the looking after a lot better if the guests have a hotel room to retreat to/mess up.

Families vary widely. But I wouldn't dream of kipping on somebody's sofa or completely upsetting a family's normal sleeping arrangements for more than a couple of nights maximum.

HollieHelen Mon 16-Sep-13 11:32:38

They do such random stuff, it's always really hard to think of house rules in advance. Like last time, when they were packing to leave I found that MIL had thrown away the underwear, socks, even jeans and a jumper / other dirty clothes that she'd worn while staying, into our kitchen bin / onto floor beside bin in kitchen. This was to make space for new clothes she'd bought.

I cleaned up kitchen, washed clothes (other than underwear), and took them to the charity shop.

They surprise me every time grin

HollieHelen Mon 16-Sep-13 11:30:23

TBH I don't mind doing the chores etc. It's therapeutic (most of the time, other than extreme bathroom cleaning!!) and gives me a break from them.

But, last time I know DH suspected I was deliberately doing chores to avoid interacting with them, so maybe getting them to share some chores would be good?

I know I'd just want to redo them afterwards though!!

Luggage space elsewhere is also a good idea ...

EldritchCleavage Mon 16-Sep-13 11:21:59

Well for starters your living room has to be available for family use from a specified time: no sleeping relatives or clothes strewn about etc. Can you give them space upstairs for luggage to be stored?

How do you think asking them to do particular chores would go down? If you are having to do a lot of extra bathroom cleaning (to pick an example entirely at random) maybe MIL and SIL could take up something else and do that for you.

If you can, I'd try and arrange it so they are out of the house on trips 2-3 times, for a breathing space. Is your DH taking time off work during the visit? He should really, for their sakes and yours.

HollieHelen Mon 16-Sep-13 11:18:16

So DH and I have had a chat about this and it looks like they will still be staying with us when they come over ...

So, this being the case (not happy but I have to agree for DH's sake) - how can I set out some houserules but still come across as hospitable rather than the inhospitable introverted control freak I actually am?!

han3459 Thu 05-Sep-13 09:55:54

Sorry but I think that YABU (slightly). If they're family then they shouldn't have to stay in a hotel. We've had 13 people stay in a 3 bedroom house before in ours, people in the kitchen, lounge etc. You just make do cause that's what family does smile

han3459 Thu 05-Sep-13 09:54:31

Sorry but I think that YABU (slightly). If their family then they shouldn't have to stay in a hotel. We've had 13 people stay in a 3 bedroom house before in ours, people in the kitchen, lounge etc. You just make do cause that's what family does smile

ImperialBlether Wed 04-Sep-13 18:12:50

OP, you've told us a lot on your threads about how lovely your husband is. You beat yourself up quite a lot, don't you?

There is nothing wrong in saying that your SIL and MIL should stay in a hotel, particularly as you are paying for it.

He didn't clean up after them, did he? He wasn't the one cleaning the bathroom that time, was he?

I wonder whether his reasons for wanting them to stay have a little to do with the fact you are clearly unhappy about them coming.

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