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To think what exDH did was very wrong? Very sensitive subject!

(42 Posts)

Sorry for the topic and I hope it doesn't upset anybody.

I have been thinking about this a lot since talking to exH on Saturday and wanted the opinion of others.

ExH has been accused of rape. The story he told me initially was that he was in the pub and someone he had previously had a brief relationship with was very drunk. He said he walked her home and left her there, nothing happened. After he left supposedly she was sending coherent messages to a friend of his.

The story has now changed to them having a "play" she then passed out so he went home but the didn't have full sex. He says she was texting a friend but I don't know how long after him leaving.

AIBU to think that even if he hadn't had sex with this woman he really shouldn't have been doing anything with her if she was so drunk that she passed out?! It is actually making me feel quite angry the way him, and his mum, are making out that he is completely innocent!

Sorry again if this is in anyway upsetting. The only person I have to speak about this to in RL hates him so is never unbiased.

AnyFucker Mon 02-Sep-13 18:37:56

he has unsupervised access to your children ?

is that a good idea ?

he is an alcohol dependent who regularly attempts suicide and has a rape accusation hanging over his head ?

is this child contact court-ordered ? I would be stopping it right now (and probably wouldn't have allowed it in the first place, tbh). He sounds like the least likely person to safe around children unsupervised

Dayshiftdoris Mon 02-Sep-13 18:31:14

Ah I am not alone and have x-posted with others.

Dayshiftdoris Mon 02-Sep-13 18:30:22


What I am going to say might be a bit... Well uncomfortable.

But if he's been accused of rape then shouldn't he be having only supervised contact?

I am just thinking how you would look OP should he be charged / convicted having allowed him to continue contact unsupervised... I think now is the point that you seek some advice on this, perhaps try the NSPCC.

This rape allegation, which you are hearing more and more about, his alcohol dependency and his current mental state are all ringing massive alarm bells for me. Personally one of those situations on their would make me re-evaluate the contact, never mind all three...

kickassangel Mon 02-Sep-13 15:54:41

Can you afford to get some legal advice? Would his mum be able to supervise visits?

I think you should investigate some practical ideas for keeping your girls safe. From here it all looks quite alarming: alcoholic, self harming, potential rapist.

Not someone that most of us would choose to leave young children with.

Ad don't be alone with him somewhere private. It does sound like he returns to you and expects you to give him emotional support. What will he do if he doesn't think you support him enough?

Fairenuff Mon 02-Sep-13 15:46:22

I'm not saying he can't see them, just not on his own, and just for this period of time that he is unstable.

You have said that he had knife marks at his throat and has expressed a desire to at least self harm. Surely he cannot be trusted with the care of two small children at this time?

Do you need him to have them, is there anyone else who could have them instead for that one day?

Fairenuff I am never happy leaving them with him but he is there dad and as I have read on here numerous times they have a right to know him. I will keep an eye on the citation though and take measures it required.

Fairenuff Mon 02-Sep-13 15:13:39

Sorry to labour the point, OP, but even though you don't take his suicidal threats seriously anymore, are you really ok leaving your children with him whilst he is in this emotional frame of mind?

After our relationship he should know he wouldn't get a good character witness from me.

He isn't a very nice person in general, a very spoilt alcohol dependent person who likes to get his own way. From experience he does tend to take things too far.

And when I say he has tried committing suicide he has a couple of knife wounds on his throat that he is being really vague about and his exMIL said he had done something stupid.

He has phoned me a few times when a relationship has ended and said he was going to end it so I don't really take it seriously anymore.

TheGirlFromIpanema Mon 02-Sep-13 15:02:49

You didn't mention DC OP, but your NN is a giveaway grin

TheGirlFromIpanema Mon 02-Sep-13 15:01:57

OP, I know a few anecdotes do not make data but be aware that he may try to make friends with you at this time. Several victims I have met with recently have said that their rapist had returned to his ex/family fold after the allegations became charges.
I've pondered if defence solicitors suggest they recruit woman as potential character witnesses but don't know this as fact. Just a hunch from cases I've seen.

As we are not together anymore it doesn't feel like my business plus I didn't mention the DC so it is crossed wires I think.

Trills Mon 02-Sep-13 14:54:31

Anyway, I apologise for saying "none of your business", of course the father of your children being accused of a serious crime is your business.

Fairenuff Mon 02-Sep-13 14:52:55

If he has said that he feels suicidal, do you think you should stop him having the dcs until he is more stable?

TattyDevine Mon 02-Sep-13 14:52:34

Very useful and informative post Kickassangel, gives the OP some decent food for thought there. Gosh, bit of an eye opener that!

Sorry that should be trills.

Thrills we were at a wedding with his family and the conversation took place while walking from the coach to the reception venue so not very long.

My exMIL has mentioned it to me in the past as well, without me asking.

He has the DC one day a week for 7 hours which will reduce to 3.5 hours when they are back at school.

Trills Mon 02-Sep-13 14:44:04

I totally forgot in my post that you said at the top that he had been accused of rape, I got distracted by you relating so many details of his evening and wondering why you were talking to him in so much detail about it.

kickassangel Mon 02-Sep-13 14:41:49

The figures of false rape claims vary dramatically, but the one that seems to be seen as close to accurate is less than 2%. In other words, of rape claims taken to the police, less than 2% are false. So there is a 98% chance that he did rape her.

Of course, it doesn't mean that he will be prosecuted or convicted, but be very aware of how he is twisting this.

There is a diagram which is called The Saddest Graph You'll See Today which shows how the figures work. It is fromUS federal figures, and UK ones are seen to be almost identical, so it's a reliable source.

I'm so sorry, but I think you have every right to be alarmed by this. And of course it is your business if you still have contact with him and have children.

Fairenuff Mon 02-Sep-13 14:41:31

I think you are right to be concerned. This is nothing to do with his sex life. It's about the father of your children being accused of rape and it absolutely is your business.

Do not attempt to 'support' him though, OP, or respond to his emotional blackmail. What kind of access does he have to the children. If he is emotionally unstable it might be best if he doesn't have them on his own at the moment.

He keeps saying we are still friends and thinks I'm joking when I say no. After it happened he asked if he could come and sleep here, obviously the answer was no!

ceebie Mon 02-Sep-13 14:36:59

Next time he phones up crying or tries to tell you about his love/sex life, tell him it would be more appropriate for him to discss it with his friends.

He has told me that he has spoken to the police and they were going to let him know what is happening soon. I try and speak to him as little as possible to be honest as he has a way of causing more stress than it is worth.

The DC are 5 and 2 so completely oblivious at the moment but obviously if he were to be found guilty I would have to deal with it at that point.

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