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To think what exDH did was very wrong? Very sensitive subject!

(42 Posts)

Sorry for the topic and I hope it doesn't upset anybody.

I have been thinking about this a lot since talking to exH on Saturday and wanted the opinion of others.

ExH has been accused of rape. The story he told me initially was that he was in the pub and someone he had previously had a brief relationship with was very drunk. He said he walked her home and left her there, nothing happened. After he left supposedly she was sending coherent messages to a friend of his.

The story has now changed to them having a "play" she then passed out so he went home but the didn't have full sex. He says she was texting a friend but I don't know how long after him leaving.

AIBU to think that even if he hadn't had sex with this woman he really shouldn't have been doing anything with her if she was so drunk that she passed out?! It is actually making me feel quite angry the way him, and his mum, are making out that he is completely innocent!

Sorry again if this is in anyway upsetting. The only person I have to speak about this to in RL hates him so is never unbiased.

Thrills we were at a wedding with his family and the conversation took place while walking from the coach to the reception venue so not very long.

My exMIL has mentioned it to me in the past as well, without me asking.

Sorry that should be trills.

TattyDevine Mon 02-Sep-13 14:52:34

Very useful and informative post Kickassangel, gives the OP some decent food for thought there. Gosh, bit of an eye opener that!

Fairenuff Mon 02-Sep-13 14:52:55

If he has said that he feels suicidal, do you think you should stop him having the dcs until he is more stable?

Trills Mon 02-Sep-13 14:54:31

Anyway, I apologise for saying "none of your business", of course the father of your children being accused of a serious crime is your business.

As we are not together anymore it doesn't feel like my business plus I didn't mention the DC so it is crossed wires I think.

TheGirlFromIpanema Mon 02-Sep-13 15:01:57

OP, I know a few anecdotes do not make data but be aware that he may try to make friends with you at this time. Several victims I have met with recently have said that their rapist had returned to his ex/family fold after the allegations became charges.
I've pondered if defence solicitors suggest they recruit woman as potential character witnesses but don't know this as fact. Just a hunch from cases I've seen.

TheGirlFromIpanema Mon 02-Sep-13 15:02:49

You didn't mention DC OP, but your NN is a giveaway grin

And when I say he has tried committing suicide he has a couple of knife wounds on his throat that he is being really vague about and his exMIL said he had done something stupid.

He has phoned me a few times when a relationship has ended and said he was going to end it so I don't really take it seriously anymore.

After our relationship he should know he wouldn't get a good character witness from me.

He isn't a very nice person in general, a very spoilt alcohol dependent person who likes to get his own way. From experience he does tend to take things too far.

Fairenuff Mon 02-Sep-13 15:13:39

Sorry to labour the point, OP, but even though you don't take his suicidal threats seriously anymore, are you really ok leaving your children with him whilst he is in this emotional frame of mind?

Fairenuff I am never happy leaving them with him but he is there dad and as I have read on here numerous times they have a right to know him. I will keep an eye on the citation though and take measures it required.

Fairenuff Mon 02-Sep-13 15:46:22

I'm not saying he can't see them, just not on his own, and just for this period of time that he is unstable.

You have said that he had knife marks at his throat and has expressed a desire to at least self harm. Surely he cannot be trusted with the care of two small children at this time?

Do you need him to have them, is there anyone else who could have them instead for that one day?

kickassangel Mon 02-Sep-13 15:54:41

Can you afford to get some legal advice? Would his mum be able to supervise visits?

I think you should investigate some practical ideas for keeping your girls safe. From here it all looks quite alarming: alcoholic, self harming, potential rapist.

Not someone that most of us would choose to leave young children with.

Ad don't be alone with him somewhere private. It does sound like he returns to you and expects you to give him emotional support. What will he do if he doesn't think you support him enough?

Dayshiftdoris Mon 02-Sep-13 18:30:22


What I am going to say might be a bit... Well uncomfortable.

But if he's been accused of rape then shouldn't he be having only supervised contact?

I am just thinking how you would look OP should he be charged / convicted having allowed him to continue contact unsupervised... I think now is the point that you seek some advice on this, perhaps try the NSPCC.

This rape allegation, which you are hearing more and more about, his alcohol dependency and his current mental state are all ringing massive alarm bells for me. Personally one of those situations on their would make me re-evaluate the contact, never mind all three...

Dayshiftdoris Mon 02-Sep-13 18:31:14

Ah I am not alone and have x-posted with others.

AnyFucker Mon 02-Sep-13 18:37:56

he has unsupervised access to your children ?

is that a good idea ?

he is an alcohol dependent who regularly attempts suicide and has a rape accusation hanging over his head ?

is this child contact court-ordered ? I would be stopping it right now (and probably wouldn't have allowed it in the first place, tbh). He sounds like the least likely person to safe around children unsupervised

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