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Woke up at 6am to screaming 14 mo, H & his 11 yo son didn't wake til 9am

(34 Posts)
Bungeeee Sun 01-Sep-13 22:01:49

My marriage is over, so am staying in the spare room (we have 3br house), baby in one room and H in main room. Last night his 11 yo son from a previous marriage stayed over. They slept in the main room. This morning our baby woke up at 6am, then became really hysterical, screaming, thrashing around. I tried to calm him, cuddles, lying down with him, carrying, walking, water, milk, etc. Anyway, this lasted about 45 mins. He's teething with molars coming through, so figured that was the problem. Someone went to the toilet twice whilst this was going on, but no one can in to see how he (we) were. H & his son then slept in and woke after 9am, are going away for a couple of nights, so left just after 10am.

I just asked my H if he heard our baby crying, he said he did hear something but thought it was a dream . H does take medication that knocks him out, but every weekday can wake up to his alarm and get to work. I said someone woke up and didn't care to come in. I said I'm not sure what is worse 1) H not being able to wake to screaming baby or 2) choosing to ignore him, either way it goes to show you don't care about your baby who was clearly unhappy. He then walked off and said Im not going to listen to you having a go at me.

I know I've got to get out of this living situation - but he is the father and not waking up to check on us, plus sleeping in til past 9am is unreasonable? (I didn't say this to H, cant even be bothered).

sameoldIggi Sun 01-Sep-13 22:35:20

When my dh was a sahd he woke up every time our toddler cried, while I slept through. When I was at home on ML, it was the opposite. People don't wake if they feel it's someone else's responsibility.
I know it's not the topic of your thread, but are you making plans to move out/him to move out? What kind of access does he want, he'll have to look after him then?!

cory Sun 01-Sep-13 22:39:19

Don't see why an 11yo shouldn't have slept through any commotion tbh: ime this is an age where they need an extraordinary amount of sleep and can be completely dead to the world.

This is one of the reasons why families with more than one child can survive at all: all the other siblings don't wake up every time one sibling is screaming or ill or whatever. No doubt the wise dispensation of nature: otherwise you would have complete pandemonium.

BabyDubsEverywhere Sun 01-Sep-13 22:45:59

I think you are being unreasonable... but you are clearly stressed with the end of your relationship so not surprising. Sorry you are having a shit time.

I take meds that knock me out, I hear the DC in the night but I am not quite with it enough to do anything about it. DH does ALL the night wakings for all three and has done since birth unless I am not taking the meds (pregnancy for example). In the mornings I sleep in until he wakes me at weekends quite late some days. I just cant seem to wake. BUT in the week I wake to an alarm no probs for school/uni etc. My docs explained this frustrating thing as routine or alarm ingrained - not just me being a lazy nob... so I do have some sympathy with your DH.

I don't think you can expect an 11 year old to help - I cant think of any 11 year old that would think about helping a crying 14 month old baby when its mother was taking care of them already!

FrillsandLaces Mon 02-Sep-13 05:40:22

hettienne Sun 01-Sep-13 22:18:46

I'm not surprised he didn't tbh, especially as you are separated

You should be surprised!! Whether their seperated or not that is still HIS child who is upset. Being seperated is irrelevant to the fact his baby was upset! I dont know why I've let that comment bother me but its proper pissed me off!

Aw OP, I dont really know what to say. Do you have any close friends ir family you could stay with? Or someone who wouldn't mind looking after baby for a few hours so you could have a good sleep? Sorry not much help x

TartanRug Mon 02-Sep-13 06:11:03

Sounds like a horrible living situation. It would have been nice if he'd come and checked on your son. If your DS was crying so much did he even know that YOU had gone to get him? I can't think why the 11 year old would be expected to look in though.

pictish Mon 02-Sep-13 06:27:00

Hmm...I think your situation, what with being seperated but still in the same house, is clouding your feelings about this.
If he heard anything at all, your h (exh?) would assume you had it covered. The 11 yr old isn't obliged to help at all. My eldest son could sleep through the world falling apart when his siblings were babies. It's not his responsibility, so it doesn't register.

All that said...sorry you had such a shit night. I know how these occasions can make one brim over with rage. xx

Retroformica Mon 02-Sep-13 08:24:57

I think it's fair to have alternate sleep ins. Also only need help etc if not coping. In which case you should ask for help.

SilverApples Mon 02-Sep-13 08:31:33

So if your H takes medication that knocks him out, it was probably the 11 year old that went to the toilet in the middle of the night. He would probably be on autopilot, my DS is 18 and still sleeps like the dead, but can wee and wash his hands whilst barely conscious.
You are tired and annoyed and in a bad situation, and soon you are going to be a lone parent with no one to help out. I'm not surprised you are feeling angry.

Booboostoo Mon 02-Sep-13 09:10:43

You are understandably angry and upset at your relationship ending but try to leave DSS out of it. 11 year olds don't generally wake up and help when babies cry and I suspect he also feels all the tension between you and his dad and is less likely to become involved.

As for your H, I sympathise as I also do all the early mornings. Is it any consolation than once you move out when he has the baby overnight he just won't have any choice but to get up?

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