Apologies - another PILS one(58 Posts)
I am 36+4 with first baby. Without wanting to drip feed, DH works away (4 weeks away & 4 weeks at home). Earlier on in pregnancy, DH 'had a word' with PILS due at least 4 to 5 times a week to their constant phoning, calling around unannounced and if there was no answer (ie I was at work which is pretty common for someone who works full time!) they backed off a slight touch.
However, I am moving to my mums to have the baby for a variety of reasons and they have reverted back to the constant fucking calling. If I don't answer or not in, they phone my DH. He then tries to keep the peace and asks me to phone them. I am hormonal, slightly erratic and on the verge of kicking their front door in to tell them to mins their own f*%#ing business and to stop 'suggesting' names to me and asking if I've had any twinges and telling me what I should/shouldn't do etc
They're going to be on holiday for the actual arrival if the baby die to them booking last year and now they're threatening to cancel it because they want to be here.
Please tell me, AIBU and simply hormonal and slightly stressed or are they a pair of cranks? Advice will be welcomed!!!
There is a world of happy medium between demanding your DIL answer constant phone calls and checking here whereabouts (and pram choices) on the one hand, and not giving a toss on the other. OP's PIL are signally failing to hit that happy medium, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with the OP trying to get them to realise that.
Equally, OP doesn't have to go nuclear, but then she isn't suggesting she will. At any rate, her concerns and irritation are not unreasonable, they're completely understandable.
There will be the mother of all rows but if you stand your ground now (and yes, be the bitch) then it will stop. They will talk about you behind your back, but the probably do that anyway and who cares as long as your boundaries are in place?
The issue is your DH. Sounds like your FIL knows how to bully him, so you need to take the lead. When he agrees with you that they are being OTT you need to make sure that he sees it through. Let him blame you if it helps, because he clearly struggles to stand up to his parents, let him "I know....but Babycino wants X so...." It will be hard for him to change a life long dynamic overnight, so you need to take one for the team on this.
The thing you need to remember is that their need to see the baby will always outweigh any feelings they have against you, so use that to your advantage.
I feel your pain OP. Six years since I had my youngest and my oldest is 10 but I remember it well. I don't know what the answer is. Maybe all men who can't stand up to their parents should be made to get pregnant, and then we unleash our parents on them with dramatic demands and phone calls lol. It does get better. Eventually.
It does seem as though women get alot more crap from their inlaws than men do.
I doubt that a male version of mumsnet would be full of men moaning that their MIL is always phoning them, even the ones who don't work.
Why do so many people expect women to be the ones keen to spend hours on the phone rather than just phoning their son when he gets home from work?
My mother adopts men as surrogate children no matter what their age, but treats women coming into our family with barely disguised distrust until they prove themselves.
I think it is a generational thing that will hopefully die a death with us.
To be honest if my parents or in laws had spoken to my husband about something (in this case the holiday) I imagine they would assume that he had then spoken to me about it and wouldn't feel the need to speak to each of us separately. We're a couple after all!
I think they are struggling to see where their "place" will be in any relationship with their grandchild. Going to your mum's to have the baby probably reinforces this - they may be feeling a bit left out so unfortunately are over compensating and as a result you feel smothered. Try not to be too hard on them though. I'm sure it's done with love. And the texts just show lack of imagination in what to say!
Oh FFS notanyanymore, there is a big bloody difference between giving a shit about your granchild, and ramming your presence down your pregnant DILs throat. I have lovely PILs, I'm very lucky. They are quite involved with us, our DD, and our imminent DD2. However, they do not pester, hound or harass me. If they did I WOULD have a problem with it, and rightly so.
Babycino, YANBU, I hope you manage to get this sorted out amicably, and soon.
rebecca i was thinking that yesterday while reading a thread about an U MIL. There are the old traditional MIL jokes from men -
but no, i bet there aren't many guys out there struggling with being told how to bring their children up/when to be home/what to eat/how shit they are at their job - which is what women seem to expected to swallow from their husbands mothers.
OP - i second the idea that this is an issue which needs to be sorted now.
I very much admire the assertiveness of posters like shedwood - but if you're anything like me, as attractive as the idea is to just tell them straight, the reality is too much!
I think you should
a) Tell your husband that you are not going to respond to all their calls. And that if they ring him to say you're not answering then you don't want to hear about it.
b) Agree with your DH that when you are next in their company you'll find a way TOGETHER to say you are both feeling under pressure from them. Work it out as you go along as to what to say. You can site the phone calls/the pram stuff/the questions about where you are ... It will be hard. But it may not be a big shrieking competition.
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