Apologies - another PILS one(58 Posts)
I am 36+4 with first baby. Without wanting to drip feed, DH works away (4 weeks away & 4 weeks at home). Earlier on in pregnancy, DH 'had a word' with PILS due at least 4 to 5 times a week to their constant phoning, calling around unannounced and if there was no answer (ie I was at work which is pretty common for someone who works full time!) they backed off a slight touch.
However, I am moving to my mums to have the baby for a variety of reasons and they have reverted back to the constant fucking calling. If I don't answer or not in, they phone my DH. He then tries to keep the peace and asks me to phone them. I am hormonal, slightly erratic and on the verge of kicking their front door in to tell them to mins their own f*%#ing business and to stop 'suggesting' names to me and asking if I've had any twinges and telling me what I should/shouldn't do etc
They're going to be on holiday for the actual arrival if the baby die to them booking last year and now they're threatening to cancel it because they want to be here.
Please tell me, AIBU and simply hormonal and slightly stressed or are they a pair of cranks? Advice will be welcomed!!!
YANBU, but it sounds like a difficult situation for you and your husband. Could you maybe text them first thing each morning saying something like 'Had a good night and managed some sleep - will let you know if anything exciting happens' and then just ignore their response. That way they can't complain that they aren't hearing from you, but you get to leave it at fairly non committal non-information without getting too involved or leaving yourself open to 'advice'. Good luck with your new baby and try not to kill your in-laws as they may be handy babysitters in the future...
I like dojo's suggestion of the text. Your DH needs to be firm that they should still go on their holiday - you might have the baby before or after it anyway and you might just want peace for the first few days anyway. They sound sweet but wayyyy over keen!
My dad was like this when I was pregnant - going into meltdown if I didn't phone him back immediately. I found it really, really annoying, because it feels like you're being monitored or something. It will only get worse once the baby is born as well. My dad took to calling round unannounced and letting himself in with the spare key. I had to have a word. It's even more difficult when it's the pils I would imagine.
I think you need to probably calm down though about it and try to ignore at the moment. Deep breaths. You've bigger things to think about. And they are excited too. But get your dh to have a word if they are over stepping the mark after the baby comes. It's a fine line to tread because you will probably be wanting their help as well.
I can completely understand why they want to be around when the baby is born.
Yes I agree, the text sounds like a good idea.
I couldn't stand this in your face constantly.. but it is a tough one as they are going to be the grandparents. DH needs to talk to them again.
Hopefully they won't cancel the holiday!!!
Be firm about the names thing... say.. 'We are not even thinking about that until we see the baby'.. even tell a porkie... you think it is unlucky to discuss it - say you're old fashioned like that. When DH tells you to ring them back.. he needs to change tactics - say to them you need rest.
They just sound excited to me.
The unannounced thing would bug me and I'd have to say please ring first or preempt things by arranging to see them.
You'll be glad to have enthusiastic grandparents when your children are older. Try not to alienate them now as irritating as you may find it.
Thanks for the text suggestion, at this stage I think it's worth a try (don't particularly fancy giving birth in HMP Holloway so won't do any harm!)
Only problem is, they are not boundary people. They've literally just called stating they need to buy a car seat for their car. When I asked why, tey said or when we 'have the baby obviously'. I have no issue with them being active and involved GP's and welcome it, however we are moving 200 miles away and they won't need a car seat as we luckily have two. They also decided to let me know that they've asked my mum and dad I go on a family holiday with them and us next year so they can 'look after the baby'. Will I sound like a crank if I get my husband to have a chat with them again? They are keen and over enthusiastic but I am feeling suffocated by their 'keenness''
I agree with roundtable.
I expect you'd be on here complaining if they took no interest or never called.
I think PIL of Daughters-in-law can't win.
They are interested in their future grandchild.
Could they contact DH for info on how you are some of the time instead of ringing or calling round 4/5 times a week? He'd know if there was anything to report and it would take some of the 'weight' of their excitement off you.
I'd be annoyed at someone asking my parents' permission for their little girl ie me to go on holiday with them.
I'm an adult, if my inlaws want to ask me to go on holiday with them then they ask me.
I'm not wild about someone wanting to go on holiday with me just so they can see my kids though, I'd feel a bit used.
I'd be telling them to back off though and telling them that if they keep pushing then it triggers an automatic response in you of wanting to back off and they're more likely to see more of you and the baby if they give you more space and back off.
I think the OPs ILs were asking the OPs parents to go on holiday 2rebecca?
Hmmm.. I think let them buy away.. say nothing - though how much money are they going to waste.. doesn't the car seat only last for so long ?
What did your mum and dad say about the holiday? Hopefully they are clued in and say that there is no way you can predict what holidays you go on.. that you won't want to be apart from the baby. Your mum might even ring on your behalf.
Ring them before they ring you.. say you will chat to them over the next few days. Maybe give them a specific day to ring them back.
200 miles is a long distance.. they could set up home near you yet.. watch out .. ah only messing.
How long until you go to your mums? Can you get her to answer your phone & have a word with them?
You may just have to be blunt and tell them your pleased they are so keen to be grandparents & care for your well being, but the phone calls everyday are beginning to get annoying. You've read that it's quite normal for women in the late stages of pregnancy to get annoyed & feel pestered at everyone's constant interest?
Ignore any references to babysitting etc. or keep saying "it's far to early to discuss that"
Oh FFS stop blaming the daughter in law. Like any of you would be happy to be bothered daily about something like this. FFS. Again. Want to not be 'those PILs'? Don't act like a fucking loon.
Have husband have another word or just don't answer the phone and tell husband to do the same.
Or, better yet, have husband text them once a day with an update.
I completely understand why they drive you potty. Just count down the days until you go to your mum's so you can get some space. I've got no pearls of wisdom as I'm further down a similar path and really wish I'd drawn a much firmer line in the sand earlier on. All I can say is you need to have DH on side, so try to get him to politely get them to calm it down. Do it now, before it blows up and/or the resentment gets worse.
This all sounds eerily familiar. The frantic phone calls, the name suggestions, the absolute insistence we get a pram (we used a sling for the first six months - you'd have thought we were dragging the baby around by its toes the way they went on about it). I used to get a text message every day saying simply "any twinges?" not so much as a "how are you"!
We kept them at arm's length and when the baby came I acted confident and calm (even though I was sometimes dying inside) and they backed off completely when they saw that I wasn't a total imbecile.
I think you will just have to be very firm and calm with them. "Please don't call me every day, I will call you when something's happening". "Please don't cancel your holiday, the baby may be late/early". Repeat ad infinitum.
Be polite and firm and remember they are very excited about their role in your child's/their grandchild's life.
If your not comfortable with some of the things suggested, just laugh and say, 'What a lovely offer, I'm not ready right now but I'm sure I will be when dc is older.'
They're way is probably very different to what you're used to but they've produced a dh that you love so they can't be all bad, hopefully. I realise there is always exceptions to this rule, but hopefully they've got all your best interests at heart.
Thanks everyone. I have been debating if I am being a crank but really don't think I have (on this occasion- potentially in the past).
As for the holiday situ, they've asked my parents to go and my husband but have failed to mention it to me at all. My mum is not used to someone trying to boss me about so she kept quiet and noncommittal saying ' they may have their own holiday plans'.
As for my DH, due to him working away, I don't feel that he 'gets it' so to speak. He has spoken to them in the past but his dad is very emotionally controlling and can make DH crumble by making him feel bad. This is something that DH and I have spoken/rowed/fell out spectacularly about on several occasions and although he is aware of it, he doesn't seem able to address it properly.
Only 6 days until I move to my mums. 6 days and counting!
" If I don't answer or not in, they phone my DH. He then tries to keep the peace and asks me to phone them."
I'd be very hormonal with him then. He's passing the buck, not keeping the peace.
X-post, sorry; but I am still of the opinion that he is passing the buck to you, and should man up and deal with his parents. They are stressing his pregnant wife.
I think you are a little bit unreasonable. Your husband works away, your pregnant, they ring, you don't answer, they worry, they call their son.
I can understand them considering cancelling holiday to be around for the birth of their grandchild. They won't want to miss that (assuming you are not the type to ban them from visiting) however babies and their arrivals are pretty unpredictable.
Don't worry it's all hormones.
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