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drunken lessons I have learned...

(64 Posts)
CatThiefKeith Sat 31-Aug-13 00:23:14

Do not blow out a candle with a nouth full of cheese and crackers.

Generally, going backto your neih.ours for an extra glass iof wein is not necessaey.

If yocpost on mn drhunk, hide tgread immediately afterwards.

Smlhe and tje whole world smipes with you! smile

WafflyVersatile Sat 31-Aug-13 01:34:00

ironing boards are not ladders and should not be used to attempt to gain access to loft hatches sited above stairs.

farrowandbawl Sat 31-Aug-13 01:39:36

...think it's a good idea to walk home barefoot. In the rain. In winter.

..walk home from the city centre. 15 miles away.

...Do the above together. Twice.

lookoveryourshouldernow Sat 31-Aug-13 01:47:33

At that time in Turkey over 30 years ago it was not the "tourist desination" that it is now... and things were very very BASIC....

I only noticed because I couldn't bend my knee when I got back home to the UK - I realise now that I was very very lucky... and inches away from death....

...the legacy is that years after the event I still can't climb up and downstairs properly...

...and Mumsnet is a distraction from normal life !!!

AgentZigzag Sat 31-Aug-13 01:59:15

envy turtle, poor bloke, and not one to ever complain about doing his own housework I bet?

"...and Mumsnet is a distraction from normal life !!!"

Agreed grin

But Waffly, transit vans are good for gaining access to first floor windows when they're driven right up on the pavement and someone's stupid enough to climb on top.

Also, it's wrong to think looking down at your feet will help you either walk in a straight line and get you to your destination, or render you impervious to street furniture.

Tapirbackrider Sat 31-Aug-13 02:03:07

That hedge surfing is never ever a good idea!

Tapirbackrider Sat 31-Aug-13 02:06:30

One of dh's....

Never go for a piss, forget to tuck yourself away, then todger-dance up the street singing "Do you think I'm sexy" towards a police car. Then, when confronted by the occupants of the police car, do not throw your self over the bonnet, call them rude names, or vomit over yourself & the car. <sigh>

AgentZigzag Sat 31-Aug-13 02:10:39

YABU tapir, hedge surfing's always a good idea grin

(Until the next morning and the painkiller effect of the alcohol's worn off.)

AgentZigzag Sat 31-Aug-13 02:11:42

Good night then Tapir? grin

MrsTerryPratchett Sat 31-Aug-13 02:12:06

When asked by very nice Police Officers why you are spinning around a parking lot pole, don't shout, "practicing for the Olympics" and fall on the floor laughing. They were very nice about it, thanks goodness.

Tapirbackrider Sat 31-Aug-13 02:15:09

Zigzag I still have the scars! But aye, twas a fabulous night! grin

Just not so much for dh - esp when they found out that he was also a police officer.

AgentZigzag Sat 31-Aug-13 02:18:52

Bahahahahaha grin grin

I bet that ribbing went down on his record lest any new colleagues forget.

I prefer the police policing me to be like that, and MrsT's, I like to see them sledging down hillsides and doing dances at the nottinghill carnival.

Tapirbackrider Sat 31-Aug-13 12:10:34

I saw that video of the Notting Hill carnival and laughed my arse off!

Dh's colleagues have a nice wee list of all the daft stuff he's done whilst drunk - it's quite extensive grin

Dobbiesmum Sat 31-Aug-13 12:17:24

DH's not mine...
Don't try putting your contact lens back in when it inexplicably falls out in the pub. Especially when you've been drinking red wine for 4 hours.
Don't bother trying to clean the living room floor and rug after you've vomited said red wine all over it. At 3am. When you can't see straight anyway but you've already taken your lenses out somehow...
Don't drink red wine (he doesn't now!)
Me many years ago.
It's cold in December. Don't walk home 8 miles at ohmygod o'clock in the morning. That was stupid.

YouTheCat Sat 31-Aug-13 12:25:59

I can't remember any of the drunken lessons I have learned. I was drunk.

I don't think I should have had that one last glass of wine last night.

wonderingsoul Sat 31-Aug-13 13:00:30

that no matter how much your feet hurt do not take your shoes off as they just wont go back on.. esp when theres 4 inchs of snow and you have to walk home.

do not get in the shower when drunk in attempt to sober up when your on your own ... you end up half kneeling half slumped with an expensive water bill an dno hot water.

if a friend is helping you and looking after you and rubbing your back becasue your feeling very drunk... face away from them.. i ouked on her favourite sandles/feet.

most embarssing.. mid way through "happy time" with an ex after i had drunk a bit and not realizing how drunk i was i made a quick dash to the bathroom and threw up in the toielt , bles shis heart thouygh, he held my hair back and sorted me out with water .. before i managed to have a quick shower, brush my teeth and get back at it.
he still rib's me about that,

AgentZigzag Sat 31-Aug-13 13:02:33

How are you feeling OP?

Can you 'spell' any better today? wink

YouTheCat Sat 31-Aug-13 13:03:25

I once watched a flatmate from the halls window (I had been ill so was just sitting having a cuppa).

The students' union was across the carpark. She tottered her way across and almost made it back but got waylaid by a very aggressive hedge. The sight of her plummeting sideways with her legs sticking up out of that hedge will amuse me for the rest of my days. grin

AgentZigzag Sat 31-Aug-13 13:04:19

Am I tempting fate to mention I've been waiting for someone to say what a bad example your DH is Tapir?

Tapirbackrider Sat 31-Aug-13 13:12:54

Hmmm maybe just a wee bit Zigzag I wonder how long it'll be..... wink

This is the same man who managed to electrocute himself whilst drunkenly pissing on live electrics......

(So glad that he doesn't drink any more!)

Pawprint Sat 31-Aug-13 13:19:50

Whilst on holiday as a teen, don't get drunk with your brother in a Majorcan bar and attempt to steal glasses.

You will get caught by the manager and your unknowing parents will take you back to the bar the next night for dinner. You will be recognised by the boss and you and your confused-but-suspicious parents will be asked to leave.

Euphemia Sat 31-Aug-13 13:28:28

On no account attempt to trot down the Fleshmarket Close steps drunk, following a major celebration of getting your degree results, for fear of twisting your ankle and having to phone in sick for the first day of your summer job. blush

AgentZigzag Sat 31-Aug-13 13:31:51

I bet those would be amazing to sleeping bag race down Euphemia!

shock at Danger Man, you'd think he'd be careful around the more sensitive areas of his body, defo the right decision to pack it in.

OHforDUCKScake Sat 31-Aug-13 13:33:32

Don't go to a free party, break into the disused neighbouring glass factory with friend, trip over a huge cable while in there, find a bottle of 'whiskey' find out its turps as you are both in your knees hurling this burning liquid thinking "we're going to die and no one knows we broke in here", recover panic and can't find the exit, don't break a windowed door in panic to get out narrowly miss a large pane of glass falling on you, panic more, climb through the window, finally get out, breath a sigh of sweet relief looks back at the glass door you just climbed through and shock yourself and the shards of glass hanging down and be in disbelief that you still have all your digits, limbs and arteries still in tact.

You will get a phone call from your boyfriend and owner of the sound system saying "DUCKS where the fuck are you? I'm worried. Someone's trying to sabotage the party, they broke in the warehouse, pulled out the cable out, the sound system is off, poured spirits everywhere and smashed panes of glass."

Er, yeah that was me. Shhhhhhhn.

absentmindeddooooodles Sat 31-Aug-13 13:37:48

Dont go off on your own, in the dark, whilst at an outdoor quarry party,, right into the bushes to have a wee.

You will fall down a massive hole and no body will notice for 2 hours.

You will also scare yourself stupid thinking there are monsters in the hole and cry for said 2 hours. sad

Was horrendous. Finally people came and found me and dragged me out ( pissing themselves laughing and telling everyone they came across) when I asked my friends why no-one had coe to fina me they said they thought id gone off for a bit of fun with someone.

I had scratches and bruises all over me especcially my face and a briken rib. Was not amused.

Also, dont try to sleep in a bath. You will get a sore neck and accidentally knock the tap with your foot in the middle of the night. ( this will lead to you jumping up and falling over the side of he bath, shouting to anyone who will listen that there is a flood and we must all make a boat. ) good few years ago and still havent livedthat one down. Haha

Tapirbackrider Sat 31-Aug-13 13:37:57

Ouch Euphemia!

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