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To expect my husband to sleep on the sofa?

(65 Posts)
PavlovtheCat Fri 30-Aug-13 21:57:26

Every time he stays up past 1am?
He is a night owl. He goes to bed late often. He goes out to visit friends regularly and returns late. Sometimes he comes to bed at 3am, regularly between 1-2am. If he is not visiting friends he generally retires about 12:30am.

My sleep pattern is shocking. I have a 3.5yr old who gets into bed with us at around 5-6am. He now goes back to sleep if he comes in at 5am, but hasn't always done this. However, whether or not he sleeps again, I am mostly awake. Sometimes, he wakes at night. Up until recently this was regular. I have a 7yo who has always been an early riser, but a general good sleeper, but even she is not perfect and sometimes wakes needing a drink, has a bad dream.

I work 3.5 days a week; aim to start at 9am. I am nowadays awake at 6am, whether I work or not.

DH wakes me when he comes to bed at whatever random fucking time it might be. I often wake to find him not there, wonder what the time is (I can usually guess now, am pretty accurate, I seem to wake around 12-1am now). On those occasions, I wake, then I can't really get back to sleep again (partly cross that he hasn't come back, partly as I have broken my rem sleep or whatever it is). On the occasions I wake and get back to sleep, or sleep through, he wakes me, every single time he comes to bed. if he gets to bed past 1am and I am asleep he drags me out of my deep sleep, and that's my night fucked. It takes an hour to get back to sleep now and 2am -3am, means like 2 hours before my DS gets in with us.

So, my sleep is just all over the place. Am I being unreasonable to want my DH to a) come to bed at the same time as me occasionally? b) sleep on the sofa when he is not coming to bed at a respectable time?

His arguments are this:
a) I go to bed too early (9-10pm generally, but sometimes stay up. I don't expect him to be in bed at 9pm, but the nights I stay up to 11pm is relatively reasonable no?
b) he has always done this, it's not new, so I should be used to this. Why should he change ? because you have fucking responsibilities now. because I can't while the day away in bed to manage a slight broken sleep at 2am at the weekends like I used to.

This evening he has got really pissed off about it. I asked if he was going to be in bed late again (1am last night). He does not think last night was late, and that it was ok even if it was, because he got up with the children. So, it's ok to disturb my nights, as long as you get up with the children occasionally? But my night is still broken! He got stroppy when I challenged his doing as he pleased thing and breaking up my sleep. 'i'll sleep on the sofa then'. But, he acts like this is a sort of martydom type thing, but I have said to him for ages he needs to sleep on the sofa if he is home past 1am.

I am so desperate for a reasonable nights sleep. I go to bed at 9pm these days just to stand a vague chance that I might get 5 hours sleep without being woken. I long for 7 hours with no waking up. I long for it, yet also resign myself to it never happening ever again.

<sigh> AIBU?

PavlovtheCat Fri 30-Aug-13 22:47:06

acer how does it sound like there are a few issues? Nothing that a few good nights sleep won't sort out wink

PavlovtheCat Fri 30-Aug-13 22:50:28

See, I am now 50 mins past sleep o'clock. I am so going to suffer for this deviation from my sleep you know.

(I worked out once how many days of sleep I have 'lost' due to DS's poor sleeping through the years - it worked out to equate to something like 4 months of sleep. and that wasn't done recently either, so it's got to be closer to 5 months - no wonder I look like a bag of shite all the time!)

Fairdene Fri 30-Aug-13 22:50:49

OP you are not being in the slightest, tiniest, weeniest way unreasonable but your DH is being massively so. Of course he should sleep elsewhere. Unbelievably self centred. I'd chuck him out.

ballstoit Fri 30-Aug-13 22:54:20

At 3.5, your DS is old enough to learn that he stays in his bed until the time you tell him to. Your DS is as much of a problem to your sleep as your DH, but the idea of tackling this doesn't seem high up your agenda?

Could you ask DH to work with you to get DS to stay in bed til 7? Then DH gets to sleep in his bed, and you get enough sleep.

A nightlight with timer or one of those waking up face clocks, combined with rapid return would be my suggestion for this. With some nice treats/prizes for not waking Mummy up.

dreamingofsun Fri 30-Aug-13 22:55:36

chipping - i don't understand how you can say he is selfish. he is no more selfish than she is. in reality they just have different requirements that unfortunately don't work that well together.

joanofarchitrave Fri 30-Aug-13 22:59:19

Get a full size bed for your ds. I got one from the local paper for £40. Add a cot side if your ds is scared.

Could you go and stay with a friend or relative one night a week, on your own?

dreamingbohemian Fri 30-Aug-13 23:01:48

Oh OP, I feel your pain. I'm a light sleeper and my DS has really wrecked things, and I have a DH who goes to bed early but gets out of bed every single night and wakes me up. Things are much better now though so I would recommend a few things.

If you can, get two single beds next to each other instead of one mattress. It really helps not just with limiting movement but psychologically you feel like you're doing your own thing and not as bothered by what he does.

More important -- do ask him to sleep on the sofa, temporarily, while you try to 'reboot' your sleeping patterns. I always recommend this book by Paul McKenna, I Can Make You Sleep. I am not a self-help person at all, I don't do hypnosis or visualisation, but I swear this book and the CD have made an enormous difference. I had a really bad spell for a while of waking up every night at 5 am but after listening to the CD for 2 weeks I'm sleeping all night again.

The idea is that your sleep habits go bad and you need to fix them, but it takes a bit of time. So your DH should give you some space to do this, it will help in the long run.

I would also tackle your DS coming into your bed, though I'm afraid I don't have any advice on this.

I'm more like your DH in that I'm a night owl and have made many choices over the years that enabled me to do this. BUT now that I have a family I have adapted somewhat, and I do try to limit any impact on my DH. I think your DH should consider himself lucky that he's still able to play games until 3 am if he likes, while his wife is at home on call with the kids, and suck up sleeping on the sofa.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Fri 30-Aug-13 23:02:04


God knows how you cope living with him, he sounds like a nightmare on all levels. An overgrown student who thinks they can pick their own hours.

Can you wear ear plugs? I find them brilliant.

I do think that the earphones, noise etc when he comes to bed is massively disrespectful. His relaxation more important than your sleep, clearly.

jumpingpillows Fri 30-Aug-13 23:05:13

can you get a sofa bed? then he could sleep on that not the sofa?

Pilgit Fri 30-Aug-13 23:10:53

Can he not change where he charges his phone? So this doesn't impact. We have similar issues with our sleep cycles but we don't have anything electrical in the bedroom -anything that requires faffage is a no! He comes in and gets into bed. Doesn't touch me. I am probably going to get lambasted for this but sorting out your 3 year old should be a priority. I couldn't live like that. I had 3 months of it and it brought me to my knees.

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee Fri 30-Aug-13 23:13:41

dreamingofsun - how on earth are his choices not selfish? He has a family yet chooses to do a job that is not very compatible with that(when he has other options), he chooses to spend a lot of time out of the house playing games, he chooses to stay up late watching films/playing games - he deprives the OP of sleep & she is the one who has to deal with their children...and then complains when he is asked to sleep elsewhere??

He could choose a job with family friendly hours.

He doesn't have to go out so often & be late home.

He doesn't have to stay up all hours.

He should reset his clock and sleep regular hours, like most people, IF he wants to share a bed with Pavlov or accept that his choices mean she doesn't want to share a bed with him and have her sleep broken.

dreamingbohemian Fri 30-Aug-13 23:14:20

I do think he's selfish.

Insisting on sleeping in bed even though it wakes his wife who has bore the brunt of all the children's sleeping issues is selfish.

I certainly hope he handles any night wakings when he's at home and up til 3 am?

OnTheBottomWithAWomensWeekly Fri 30-Aug-13 23:14:24

I think yabu, you sound like a very light, regimented sleeper, and you can't blame him entirely for your poor sleep patterns. My DH works shifts and we usually end up with one of us in bed hours before the other, in different directions, and I wouldn't appreciate being told to fuck off to the couch.

dreamingbohemian Fri 30-Aug-13 23:17:29

Yes, I agree Chipping.

I do know how hard it is to adopt normal sleep times when you're a hardcore night owl, but if you can't manage it, well, that's your problem, you don't inflict the problem on your partner.

I used to work til 3 am when I was with an ex who had a 9-5 job, I slept on the sofa almost every night.

propertyNIGHTmareBEFOREXMAS Fri 30-Aug-13 23:58:21

Yanbu. You are really struggling as a result if sleep disruption and deprivation. You need to get a sofa bed and he needs to open it out and sleep on it if up late.

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