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or is this harrassment?

(86 Posts)
WillIEverBeFree Thu 29-Aug-13 21:05:49

Reg under NC, think footballer and dentistry.

I have a restraining order against my ex. I now find out he is having my neighbour spy on me and report every visitor, every car complete with make, model and registration that parks on my drive and every single word I say to anyone.

This has just floored me. For the past 5 weeks, every single move I make has been monitored and reported to my ex. He even knows that my fucking bin was not emptied and why - even I don't know that! (it was the recycling one).

The police don't want to know. I'm fucking angry, feeling vengeful and possibly a tiny bit scared. And probably BU. But hey. Give me your thoughts MN, please.

WillIEverBeFree Thu 29-Aug-13 21:07:55

And if I don't reply straight away, I am not a hairy of hand bridge-dweller, just receiving further reports of the ex and his surveillance sad

Mia4 Thu 29-Aug-13 21:10:41

YANBU. How did you find out about your neighbour?

sarascompact Thu 29-Aug-13 21:14:14

I think I know who you were previously. Def not a bridge dweller.

Would Womens Aid be able to give you some advice? I'm surprised that the police don't want to know and am wondering whether WA could make them sit up and listen.

What a weirdo. What the f8ck does he want with car makes and numbers? How does it help him to know that you were visited on Monday by a brunette woman in a green Vauxhall? confused

If I were you I'd confront the neighbour and tell them that I know what they're doing and that it's been reported to the police (they don't need to know the police's current reaction). Is that an option?

SeaSickSal Thu 29-Aug-13 21:18:07

How have you found this all out? Has your neighbour admitted it? Why has the neighbour agreed to do this for him?

SeaSickSal Thu 29-Aug-13 21:20:23

YANBU. How did you find out about the neighbour? Why has your neighbour agreed to do this for him? How has he found out what you have been saying?

WillIEverBeFree Thu 29-Aug-13 21:21:41

I was called by the woman he went to live with. There is no other way he could have known this information. Said woman has chucked him out and his children are floating between relatives.

I have said nothing to the neighbour, not wanting to have a knee-jerk reaction.

I feel violated.

Thank you sara

SeaSickSal Thu 29-Aug-13 21:23:16

How do you know he had the information though? Did the woman he lives with find it? If so how do you know it came from the neighbour?

WillIEverBeFree Thu 29-Aug-13 21:25:52

The woman told me the events of the last few weeks, the neighbour has faithfully reported every event.

SeaSickSal Thu 29-Aug-13 21:28:13

I'm not sure how she knows this though, did your ex tell her? Also how does your neighbour know what you've been saying? Have they been listening in?

WillIEverBeFree Thu 29-Aug-13 21:28:29

I don't know yet if this is a breach of the RO, am waiting for legal advice. Obviously there is much more to this, it's just I am stinging at being observed so closely and feel very unsafe.

WillIEverBeFree Thu 29-Aug-13 21:55:10

Is it just me or does MN keep going offline?

Did I break it? confused

wheredidiputit Thu 29-Aug-13 21:58:59

I would speak to the police and get some advice.

SeaSickSal Thu 29-Aug-13 22:01:42

How has he managed to convince your neighbour to do this?

SolidGoldBrass Thu 29-Aug-13 22:05:31

Well, if the neighbour's not very smart and/or doesn't like the OP, it would be easy enough to convince the neighbour that the OP is a slut trying to ruin XP and keep his children from him.

I have a feeling that the police might be able to have a word with the neighbour and point out that spying is not neighbourly and s/he should pack it in.

WhereYouLeftIt Thu 29-Aug-13 22:05:36

shock at situation.

MN keeps going offline, not just you.

Misspixietrix Thu 29-Aug-13 22:19:16

OP are you privately renting or in council? Just wondering if it would be worth reporting the Incident to a Patch Manager if you have one? If the Police arent being much help? ~

OhDearNigel Thu 29-Aug-13 23:29:09

What is the specific wording on the order, Op ? Is it a non mol or imposed as a result of criminal proceedings in a magistrates or crown court ?

Without knowing the exact terms its difficult to establish whether a breach has occurred

ZillionChocolate Fri 30-Aug-13 07:51:09

You're not wrong to feel violated. I think it's unlikely to be a breach of the order, but will depend on how it's drafted. Which police have you spoken to? Might be worth trying any specialist units they have, dealing with domestic abuse.

bobbywash Fri 30-Aug-13 08:19:34

Restraining order probably on prohibits him from coming ewithin a certain distance. To me that would be harrassement under the protection from harressment act 1997. If you report it to the police that yo are being harrassed by your ex because of this, they should have a word with your eighbour to stop it.

If they won't (because they say it's a civil issue, it's not and the act makes it clear that the police have powers) then the alternative is going back to court and having an injunction which should include him and any servant or agent, which would therefore include your neighbour.

pizzachickenhotforyou Fri 30-Aug-13 08:40:27

Doesn't a harassment order stop all contact including via a 3rd party? Surely this is on a restraining order too?

raisah Fri 30-Aug-13 08:47:18

Report your neighbour to the police abd hopefully a visit from them will frighten them into stopping. They need to know that their behaviour could cause you danger and if you are harmed in any way then they will be liable.

Can you not pursue the neighbour for invasion of privacy? They are snooping in your bins and reporting your visitors to a dangerous person, surely that is worth investigating. I would go after the neighbour as the best way to get the message across that two can play at this game. He wants you to be scared, be careful how you approach this as he is smart by using a third party to do his dirty work so the terms of the ro aren't broken. He is using the neighbour as a disposable chess piece so you should too.

SolidGoldBrass Fri 30-Aug-13 11:21:44

I am pretty sure that some restraining orders prohibit a person from using other people to harass the one protected by the order4 - if your order doesn't already have this provision, it needs to be amended. A solicitor/WA should be able to help.
Sorry you didn't have much luck with the police. Unfortunately, while many forces and certainly many officers are very good at dealing with DV, there are still individual officers who are misogynists or just incompetent and therefore unhelpful.

TigerSwallowTail Fri 30-Aug-13 11:46:07

Speak to the domestic abuse unit at your police station, there is usually a specific unit to deal with domestic abuse and they are far more clued up on these types of situations and much more supportive.

WillIEverBeFree Fri 30-Aug-13 14:09:15

Have spoken to my solicitor who has indicated that there is not really much the police can do as ex has not tried to contact me. Just that the neighbour is passing on info.

No idea what the motivation is, they don't even know each other that well. I previously got on well with the neighbour.

I found out from the girl who just kicked him out. As I said its only things a neighbour would know and he has repeatedly volunteered the information that he has not spoken to my ex.

It's all rather disturbing, especially since it seems there is nothing I can do.

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