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To request XP come to me for DS?

(54 Posts)
maidmarian2012 Thu 29-Aug-13 11:50:40

XP and I split up 18 months ago. He has always maintained contact with our DS,3 weekly.
He lives 40 miles away. Until recently I have been meeting him in a city which is halfway between our houses. He is banned from driving for drink driving, so he also has to rely on public transport.
His mother has been meeting me also, as a favour to him. She has a car.
XP has never given me a penny for our DS. I have told him that I cannot afford to come to this city and meet him, as I don't think it's fair as I get no maintenance from him. I have not reported him to CSA. I have asked him for money in the past and the excuses are "I'm between jobs" and "I'm on the dole" repeat ad nauseum.
His DM (Who enables him to forever be "Between jobs) has just sent me a very guilt-trippy text saying how she is going to take things further etc and that XP cannot afford to come get DS.
However XP can most certainly afford cans of Stella.
Am I being unreasonable or should I stick to my guns. XP and his DM will not hear of it that he should pay maintenance, as I claim tax credits hmm
By the way, he's 40.

eatriskier Thu 29-Aug-13 12:53:49

I think giving him 18m to sort himself out where you met him halfway was more than reasonable. It is also reasonable, after 18m to say I will not take the financial burden of this especially as you are not contributing to DS financially anyway. Its definitely time to get the csa involved as the last 18m should have shown you that an informal arrangement is not going to happen. If his DM is that bothered, she can drive the full way to pick up DS. Also, it was his choice to move. I'd say different if he were in hardship and had no choice but to move in with his DM, but he's living across the street from her. His choice to move that distance from DS.

Ignore his DM. If she carries on shut her down with a very short sharp 'i've given him 18m to get himself together which was more than fair' end of

bibliomania Thu 29-Aug-13 13:28:38

Is there any chance he will go to court and try to get your ds for more overnights to avoid having to pay through the CSA? It's happened to me, and it's cost an absolute fortune to solicitors to try to stop my ex having 50:50. Sometimes it's best to let sleeping dogs lie.

(That's a simplification of my situation - my ex had other reasons for wanting more nights, but given he had already attempted to claim child tax credits and child benefit while dd was in my care, plus he told me if he had her 50% of the time, he'd be entitled to a 2-bedroom council flat, I think it's safe to conclude that material benefits were on his mind too).

The upside to the recent legal aid changes is that he won't get legal aid to do this, and it sounds like he might be too lazy....unless his mother fancies having your DS more often?

Lweji Thu 29-Aug-13 13:30:27

He should make the effort.

Because he moved away.

missmargot Thu 29-Aug-13 13:43:40

In terms of 'taking it further' there isn't a huge amount he can do. If he wants to go to the family courts he would either have to pay for a solicitor or represent himself, he wouldn't get legal aid. The courts like parents to meet halfway or share the travel for contact in some way but they generally don't enforce it. In fact the majority of family courts don't enforce very much anymore, most of them work on a 'no order principle' whereby they want the parents to reach an agreement via mediation and discussion. It generally takes months for cases to come to court, then you have to wait for CAFCAS report etc so all in all it can be a year before 'taking it further' actually got any further.

Oh and YANBU at all, he moved away and he lost his license. Pillock.

maidmarian2012 Thu 29-Aug-13 16:21:36

Thanks for your replies everyone. I know this seems a trivial argument, but I just get so pissed off with them.
I am fully aware of the implications of him attempting to take me to family court. If I'm right I think CAFCASS do a report on him, he has previous convictions for possession of drugs and DV. I have a clean record.
He's not going to do himself any favours.
You have all made really good points, thankyou.

maidmarian2012 Thu 29-Aug-13 16:22:39

By the way I'm ringing CSA shortly. Be back soon.

BlackeyedSusan Fri 30-Aug-13 10:04:31

<checks watch>

<grumps> "this is not soon"

how did reporting mummy's iccle boy go?

difficultpickle Fri 30-Aug-13 10:14:09

I would contact the CSA. If he is a trademan then he is likely to be self employed so will have the ability to hide his true income from the CSA. I don't think you have anything to lose as you won't get much from the CSA but at least you will get something. My ex is a self employed plumber who apparently only earns net £170 a week. He lives in a large house in a wealthy area where plumbers charge £200 a day and afaik he has plenty of work. Unfortunately I cannot prove that he is living beyond his means so HMRC can do nothing and the CSA can only go on his declared earnings as filed in his tax return.

If you get the right person the CSA can be very helpful indeed. They managed to collect £3,000 in arrears (when ex wasn't hiding his income as he'd filed his tax return before I made my first claim) when he said that I wouldn't see a penny.

maidmarian2012 Fri 30-Aug-13 10:24:34

Right, I reported him after I left MN yest, gave them his phone numbers, address and his muumys address just to be sure. I have told them he is SE and currently on dole, and they are going to contact him. I live in hope.
Susan grin ikkle boy

bisjo yes, I have thought of this, also. He is not beyond it. If I could tell you the affluent village he bloody well lives in, it would out me. It must be at least £600 pcm for his rent. Its for sure mummy is payrolling part of that.

Sparklymommy Fri 30-Aug-13 10:27:44

I never understand why some NRP think once they leave the family their financial responsibility ends to any children they have created. I think in this case you really need to put a claim in to the CSA.

However, before doing that perhaps it would be an idea to have a little chat with his mother and ask her why she thinks you are being unreasonable. It could be that she is unaware of her sons behaviour and maybe you need to give her a few home truths!

BlackeyedSusan Fri 30-Aug-13 10:31:01


these sort of people wind me right up. I am sure you will do a bette job of raising you child to be a grown up.

glad you reported him. expect there will be some come back though as he/mum has a tantrum.

BuskersCat Fri 30-Aug-13 10:31:51

If he is claiming benefits, they will take £5 a week off him so you wont get nothing at all.

maidmarian2012 Fri 30-Aug-13 10:33:01

She knows he will not give us anything, she just backs his excuses up, and is of the same opinion as him, ie "Well you get tax credits don't you?".

You cannot tell this woman home truths. All their family agree with this fact. He is golden boy. It must be seen to be believed. angry

maidmarian2012 Fri 30-Aug-13 10:36:45

susan yes, there will be hissy fits. And yes, I will do a better job. She accused me by text yesterday of "Not putting DS first" I could have passed out with rage. Every single minute of the day I put this child first. Her son is useless and when we were together never lifted a finger to help. TBH I never wanted him to, if he didn't want to help, I was damned if I was going to make him. I will do it myself.
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrgh. As you were. grin

maidmarian2012 Fri 30-Aug-13 10:37:51

Buskerscat I know, and he will purposely stay on the dole for this reason.

BlackeyedSusan Fri 30-Aug-13 10:41:25

not putting ds first. perhaps she meant her ds? hmm

what would happen to ds if you took the same attitude as his dad? live on fresh air probably.

ShelleyGal Fri 30-Aug-13 10:46:02

YANBU what is she going to do taking it further? I went to court with my ex and now he has to pick children up from me, same situation he lost his licence for drink driving. I was doing all running around but couldn't afford to anymore. Court ruled he must pick kids up. Now his mum or sister drives him. Good luck smile

maidmarian2012 Fri 30-Aug-13 10:46:46

I don't know how she dares. I'm annoyed with her for guilt-tripping me. For the millionth time XMIL, I AM NOT SAYING YOU OR XP CANT SEE HIM!!
I'm fascinated about their "Further Action"
Thanks everyone, I'm much more confident in my right-ness now.

maidmarian2012 Fri 30-Aug-13 10:47:59

Shelley thanks, its exactly the same situation. I think my XP might be opening a can of worms for himself if CAFCASS get involved.

ShelleyGal Fri 30-Aug-13 10:48:39

Also, sorry for double posting but my ex signs on and works.. I went CSA got awarded 2.50 per week.. In court he was made to look like a total arse so he now gives me 30 per week. The best thing she could do would be to take it further for you!

maidmarian2012 Fri 30-Aug-13 10:49:34

It is also not my fault that he drove OUR car drunk and was caught.

maidmarian2012 Fri 30-Aug-13 10:50:32

shelley I'm loving your posts. They really do know how to shoot their own feet don't they?

aww poor boy... getting his mummy to fight his battles for him. he sounds charming!

good luck op. well done for contacting csa. it amazes me how many women actually dont contact them confused

ShelleyGal Fri 30-Aug-13 11:13:34

Yes! Them taking me to court after everything they put me through, was the best thing that could have happened. Also, I had the guilt trip texts, the 'she won't let me see my kids' statuses on fb.. Ignore it all and stay strong! The court will see right through any shit he/she comes out with. You don't have to run around after them, they should make every effort to see the kids. Honestly, best of luck smile

IJustNeedANap Fri 30-Aug-13 11:18:44

I'm glad you contacted CSA Pp

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