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Oh god, I was unreasonable wasn't I...

(109 Posts)
Peanate Thu 29-Aug-13 11:17:40

I'll try to keep this short. DH and I both work full time, and we take turns leaving work a bit early to pick up the kids. He had a work function to go to tonight, so needed to leave the house by 6pm, just as I would get home (he picked up kids).

I emailed him this afternoon asking him to just get the kids in the bath, and I'd sort their dinner out when I got home. I'm not eating the same food as the kids (or him) in the evenings these days so make my dinner separately most nights.

I got home and found that whilst he had put them in the bath, he'd also made a huge pot of cheesy pasta (that I won't eat), using half the ingredients that I was planning on using for my own dinner, and also most of the milk meaning there is barely enough left for breakfast. I know he was trying to help, but it was so not what I'd asked him to do - and in fact it had made him stressed as he had run out of time to get himself ready - which is another reason why I had told him not to worry about their dinner!

Anyway so I snapped at him (for ruining my own dinner plans, and wasting ingredients), and then he snapped back at me for snapping at him.

The upshot is that he's gone out without saying goodbye, and there are two large portions of cheesy pasta in the freezer.

I'm an ungrateful controlling cow aren't I...... (Go on, give it to me....)

digerd Thu 29-Aug-13 13:24:30

You snapped at him and he snapped back at you .
Yes YABU but he should not have snapped back at you. The big puppy dog eyes hurt expression would have probably evoked your remorse - or not?
As far as you mentioning "hangover", did you mean his < drowning his sorrows at having such an ungrateful, controlling and snappy wife>, yours to calm down your fury at his disobedience and leaving you with not enough milk left , or both of yours? wink

OvO Thu 29-Aug-13 13:35:39

I'd have been a bit annoyed too. My DH does stuff like this and is genuinely trying to help me out but see it as him not listening! It can be so frustrating. Im not controlling but sometimes when I've said the plan is X and he's done his own thing it pisses me off. Then I mustn't be annoyed as he had good intentions. hmm No thought that there were actual reasons I planned X in the first place.

It's only occasionally this stuff happens so no need for either of us to plan to LTB. wink

kmc1111 Thu 29-Aug-13 13:41:47

But Chipping if he just made cheesy pasta, it's not like he used up a zillion ingredients or any specialized ingredients. I can't think of an actual dietary need that would require the OP to have anything that's in cheesy pasta right at that moment (and he did offer to go get milk anyway). I'm assuming she found something else to eat since there's nothing about going hungry, so it does seem like she just fancied a particular meal, rather than that being the only thing she could eat. It would be different if, say, she were vegan and he used up all her tofu and left her with mince, or if she was gluten intolerant (which seems to be implied) and he fed the kids all the gluten free bread and left her with the regular bread, but I can't think of anything in cheesy pasta that would create a situation like that.

OP I don't think you are BU to be annoyed that you couldn't have what you planned to have for dinner. It's a let-down when you know what you want to eat and can't have it for whatever reason. But it's not your DH's fault unless you told him specifically to not use the ingredients you were planning to use because you needed them. He's not a mind-reader. He was just trying to save you a job by getting the kids meal sorted. Forget about telling him not to make dinner, what if he'd not done that but just used the ingredients you planned on using to make himself a snack? Do you want him to inquire about whether an ingredient is spoken for every time he get's himself something to eat? If your diet requires it or it just really bugs you, you need to meal plan together so your DH knows exactly what he can and can't use.

TakingThePea Thu 29-Aug-13 13:49:43

When did this happen? Your writing is in the present but you wrote the OP this morning.

Presuming it was last night, have you kissed and made up

I would have just sent a text saying sorry was rushed and stressed, have a good evening

littlemog Thu 29-Aug-13 13:52:47

Gods God. Let's just hang, draw and quarter the poor man for feeding his kids shall we? Do most of you always have to be in control all of the time? Why on earth should the OP issue orders that he must follow anyway? He is a grown man not a child and he is more than capable of bathing and feeding his children without being given line by line instruction!!

The way some of you must live astounds me. You moan that men don't do enough and then critise them when they take the initiative. You are not in control of them! They are grown ups!

littlemog Thu 29-Aug-13 13:53:14

Sorry for any typos. Am on iPhone!

scallopsrgreat Thu 29-Aug-13 14:06:18

Do most of you always have to be in control all of the time? Far from it littlemog. I would expect the OPs DH to be far more in control than he appears to be in this situation. I mean not aware that you are running out of milk?

And SaucyJack is right this should be viewed as him doing what a parent does, not 'helping'. So why did he get stressed about it and why did it end up inconveniencing Peanate (and the family) more than if he hadn't done it. It really isn't a difficult thing to juggle.

everlong Thu 29-Aug-13 14:12:53

He picked the kids up, he got them home and bathed them and made their tea.

Imo he seems very in control tbh. Considering he had to be out the house at 6pm!

He could have got home, plonked them in front of the tv and left bath and food for the OP.

But no, the bastard had other plans.

Rosa Thu 29-Aug-13 14:29:06


CakeExpectations Thu 29-Aug-13 18:21:56

Just checked back in and seen that Chipping and littlemog have picked up on my envy at your predicament!

That's so lovely of you. And yes, I do get mightily pissed off. But that's a whole other story. Sorry OP, thread hijack over!

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee Thu 29-Aug-13 20:22:18

KMC - well, I suppose it depends on what he used. He probably used cheese, milk and lots of veg with the pasta. If I had planned on using the cheese and veg to make my dinner and he had used them up I'd probably end up nibbling on almonds instead as I can't eat pasta nor flour (if he had used that to make the cheese sauce).

She didn't say 'Can you put the kids in the bath and I'll do their tea' just because she fancied a change in their normal routine... there was obviously a reason for it. He just didn't think - was that a one off or is it the 'norm' for him resulting in her feeling pretty crap. We wont know unless she posts again.

Bamboobambino - not everyone wants to eat their dinner at 5.30. It doesn't mean that all those kids will grow up with eating disorders for goodness sake.

Mimishimi Thu 29-Aug-13 22:15:07

Maybe he wasn't trying to sabotage his wife's diet, maybe they were hungry when they got home from school and he made a huge portion of cheesy pasta (easy to overestimate exactly how much you will need) and he put the leftovers in the fridge. Perhaps the OP generally takes a long time to prepare dinner for both herself and the kids. I don't think it sends a bad message to eat seperately though.I think you should apologise OP.

Lumpybumpymuma Thu 29-Aug-13 22:19:46

Yabu..... but I would have acted in the same way! Don't mess with my food plans angry!

Send him an apology so you can both enjoy your evenings without a cloud hanging over you.

Tilly333 Thu 29-Aug-13 22:40:30

Been there done that (or similar). Makes you feel really guilty after doesn't it? Just kiss and make up when he gets home - life really is too short and there are more important things to worry about (just make sure he NEVER does it again!)

littlemog Fri 30-Aug-13 09:16:17

Just make sure he never does it again

What a ridiculous controlling comment. The guy fed his children FGS!

WallaceWindsock Fri 30-Aug-13 09:21:37

Why is everyone missing the bit where OP states that pasta gives her stomach cramps. Surely her DP is aware of this, so I'd be pretty angry if he made dinner with an ingredient that would cause me pain and discomfort. Under those circumstances I can totally see why she snapped at him.

fascicle Fri 30-Aug-13 10:10:40

WallaceWindsock See OP's OP:

I'm not eating the same food as the kids (or him) in the evenings these days so make my dinner separately most nights.

everlong Fri 30-Aug-13 10:16:30

But Wallace he made the pasta for his children. His DW doesn't eat with them normally.

What makes me laugh on MN is that men can't do anything right.

He picked them up, got them bathed and fed them. Some women on here would give their liver for that.

But no it's still not good enough.

everlong Fri 30-Aug-13 10:17:51

Tilly you speak like he's a naughty puppy.

He's a frigging grown man that chose to feed his hungry children.


ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee Fri 30-Aug-13 10:23:33

everlong so are you saying she should be grateful because he picked them up, put them in the bath and made them dinner?

Is there a reason why this precludes him using his brain to think 'that might be for DW's dinner'

It's not that men can't do anything right - it's that picking up, bathing and feeding your children doesn't earn you a medal - Mum OR Dad and doesn't absolve you from actually having to be considerate to your partner and use your brain.

Wallace yes, they are, they seem to be ignoring the fact that he used ingredients she was planning to use for her dinner, to make something she asked him not to make, he added them to food she can't eat - and she's supposed to be grateful hmm

Still, the OP hasn't been back since yesterday morning, so I suspect she is over it while we are still debating it grin Time for coffee.

Bogeyface Fri 30-Aug-13 10:25:43

He picked them up, got them bathed and fed them.

You mean like women do all of the time and are expected to do by virtue of owning a vagina? Big deal!

And you know what those same women do? They think "Oooh, we need milk for the morning, so better not use too much now and DH cant eat X so I will give that to the kids and leave the Y for him". They THINK about what needs to be done/arranged/ready.

But because the poor wee manny actually looked after his own kids for an hour and prepared them some food we should all bow down to his amazingness as a father and gloss over the fact that he was, at best, thoughtless and uncaring of the OPs food intolerance and the chaos in the morning when there is not enough milk. hmm

everlong Fri 30-Aug-13 10:36:49

Grateful? No.

Understanding of the fact that he was the one that picked them up, probably hungry and chose to feed them.

Some men would have ignored it. Some men would have been to busy getting themselves ready to be out the door for 6pm.

But he thought about his wife getting in then having to start making a meal for two tired, hungry kids.

How is there anything wrong with this?

Because if you honestly thing he was wrong I give up.

everlong Fri 30-Aug-13 10:41:19

Bogey you sound so bitter.

Who's saying what he did was amazing?

He didn't want any praise I doubt, it sounds like he's used to looking after his kids.

I just doubt he expected a bollocking for feeding them before he rushed out in so that his wife didn't have to.

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee Fri 30-Aug-13 10:42:20

Some men would have ignored it. Some men would have been to busy getting themselves ready to be out the door for 6pm

So, we're back again to 'what a hero' hmm

But he thought about his wife getting in then having to start making a meal for two tired, hungry kids

Does this mean he's unable to think 'I wont use all the milk/cheese/veg otherwise what will Wife have for her dinner?' Does she not matter?

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee Fri 30-Aug-13 10:44:04

He didn't get a bollocking for feeding them, he got snapped at for using ingredients that the OP had planned on using for her dinner.

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