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AIBU to still be cross even if DH says it was a mistake?

(64 Posts)
ShadeofViolet Tue 27-Aug-13 15:07:01

DH and I have been overpaying off our mortgage in the hope that we can be mortgage free by the time I am 40.

Last summer I overpaid £5000 which I had saved up in the previous year, it was hard work but I though we had the common goal. Mortgage overpaying was his idea. I asked DH to call the mortgage company to tell them we didn't want to change the payment amount. He said he had. Its his mortgage so I cant do it.

Got the statement this morning and he has not done it, he has been paying less each month so my overpayment was for nothing. When I asked him why he lied he told me that he did it to stop him nagging.

We havent rowed about it, but I am pretty annoyed. He says its a mistake and therefore I cant be mad.

AIBU. I am prepared to be told I am petty and I probably am, but TBH I am annoyed.

mysteryfairy Tue 27-Aug-13 19:24:11

The overpayment has been used to reduce the payments for the rest if the term. This is why at this point, presumably well before the end of the term, the DH has not saved £5k off his repayments yet.

The OP is apparently the joint legal and beneficial owner if the house but has no liability for the loan secured on it. Why under those circumstances would it be a benefit for her to be put on the mortgage? The only benefit as far as I can see would be she could then instruct the lender over things like whether to reduce the monthly payment, which is what lender has assumed was required, or the term, which OP apparently intended. There may well be a reason the lender won't have her on the mortgage - exposure on her other mortgage, employment status etc - anyway.

valiumredhead Tue 27-Aug-13 19:16:19

I'm glad you're married, makes no difference if your name isn't on the mortgage as you can still claim on it 'if circumstances change' so to speak. You definitely shouldn't be contributing to his house of you're not married.

Nagging? Is he normally so rude?

StuntGirl Tue 27-Aug-13 18:56:12

I'm not sure why you're not more mad about this.

PurplePidjin Tue 27-Aug-13 18:56:03


Not £5000 (or € if it's Ireland?)

I would be expecting an apology, replacement of the money and a very good explanation of why he thinks so little of you angry

fabergeegg Tue 27-Aug-13 18:47:41

People like this are awful. If it's what I think, he will genuinely think it's a mistake, but it will always mean that someone else is out of pocket. This is a pathological personality trait. I know it sounds histrionic but I would even wonder if it's worth arguing with him over, if he hasn't enough sense of decency to (a) not mess up like this in the first place and (b) put it right now. Is he usually skint? Does he know where his money goes? Does he like a standard of living that he isn't quite affording? Do you often find yourself lending/paying for stuff you wouldn't have chosen to? And why why WHY are you not on the mortgage?

I think you sound very foolish.

riskit4abiskit Tue 27-Aug-13 17:39:54

I think I would be more forgiving if you hadnt said he works in finance!

LessMissAbs Tue 27-Aug-13 17:04:46

So he's effectively conned you of £5000, or part of it at least, and kept up the deception for a year? OMG!

HappyMummyOfOne Tue 27-Aug-13 16:53:52

Holidays, why would he need to return it? OP is a joint owner of the house just not on the mortgage so presumably pays for the home she lives in anyway. She hasnt commented whether the £5k came from her own salary or joint family money anyway so its unknown.

Its a curious thing MN at times, mens money is considered "family money" but not the womens, the woman should be a joint owner always yet nobody has mentioned the other property being put into joint names to ensure equality and women are encouraged to have a secret "rainy day" fund whereas the man should not hide anything and share it all.

They both need to ensure that things are fair and their financial plan matches or compromise reached. Both need to want to forgo extras and overpay as both should be onboard of bills are shared equally. If one person is paying, then they get the majority say in what happens to their earnings.

holidaysarenice Tue 27-Aug-13 16:32:52

He saves the 5000 he has stolen, returns it to you and you pay off your mortgage. A written agreement needs to be drawn up that he has borrowed 5000 and needs to pay it back.

He loses all independent financial control until he can be trusted not to steal.

And you go on that mortgage.

Flibbertyjibbet Tue 27-Aug-13 16:00:53

Why on earth didnt you pay it off your own mortgage???? Equity is equity whether its on yours or his.

3 years ago my mother generously wanted to pay £1k off my mortgage. When she tried to do it she was not allowed as it was not her mortgage. She gave me a cheque for me to do the ovetpayment myself and when I did so I wad askex whether I wantrd to reduce the term or the payments. The didnt automatically reduce the payments.
anyway so far your h has had 45 per mth extra in his account for a yesr. Thats £610. So now tell him to get you on the mortgage and put the amount back up. You can do this by phone and hand the phone to him at the appropriate time.
Or just ask him for the money back and pay it off your own.
But it was family money you saved up so it was his own money that made the payment.....

BashfulBunny Tue 27-Aug-13 15:54:50

HappyMummy is right; a sensible thing would be to set up a joint account for bill and pay 50/50 into it. Then you could see what was going on. Transparency is important for a healthy relationship. Especially where money is concerned.

Awomansworth Tue 27-Aug-13 15:54:32

The fat that he knows his payments reduced once you paid the lump sum tells you he knew exactly what he was doing.

His commitment to "the plan" of paying off the mortgage doesn't appear to match yours. Therefor in your position I would concentrate any spare cash I had on paying off my own mortgage rather than his.

HotCrossPun Tue 27-Aug-13 15:50:11

Thanks Chipping like I said - cross post.

Cravey Tue 27-Aug-13 15:49:17

So you have paid 5k on a house which isn't yours. Are you mad ? He's scamming you and you need to wake up,

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee Tue 27-Aug-13 15:47:12

He was pushing to pay the mortgage off early, so he would have been well aware of the fact that him doing what he was doing, was actually, really, stealing from shade. I would find that very difficult to get past.

As Dahlen said, whilst the properties would be seen as 'joint' if they divorced, when there are two houses like this often 'one for him/one for her' is applied and when there is only one name on each mortgage they might each be left responsible for 'their own mortgage' & so shade should look after her own position rather than his.

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee Tue 27-Aug-13 15:42:34

The money isn't 'missing' HotCrossPun.

Shade paid it directly into the mortgage account.

When you pay a lump sum (in most instances) the bank recalculates how much you need to pay per month to pay it off over the time of the mortgage (ie the period of time they are happy to lend you money). If you want to finish your mortgage earlier than that, you need to tell your mortgage provider that you want to keep your monthly payments the same (effectively over paying each month & thus paying it off early).

He didn't do this, so for the next however many years, he would be paying £45 less per month, if this continued the mortgage would not be paid off early and he would have effectively used Shades money to fund his daily living instead of reducing the period of the mortgage.

Why he thought he could 'get away' with this or why he would want to is beyond me though.

HappyMummyOfOne Tue 27-Aug-13 15:37:00

He's not stolen it, its been paid direct to the mortgage provider on the house they both live in. He has lied about the reduction in payment though which is what they now need to resolve as adults.

Perhaps a review of finances is due. I know some like seperate accounts but you would have seen the cheaper mortgage payment if you had a joint bill account. You could still keep your own but transfer 50/50 each to cover both mortgages and bills and leave your spending money in your own personal accounts if you like things that way.

Squitten Tue 27-Aug-13 15:35:33

x-post - just read what Dahlen said so ignore what I said!

I would stick to my own mortgage in future if I were you

Dahlen Tue 27-Aug-13 15:35:31

OK, so it's not like he ran away with £5000 that he's secretly spent on gambling or something. I can see how this happened without there being a sinister motive behind it.

I'd still be livid though. He can't possibly claim it was a genuine oversight because you asked him so many times he eventually lied to stop you from "nagging". That's not meaning to get round to it and forgetting. That's being lazy and compounding it by deliberately tuning out your perfectly reasonable reminders.

The fact that you are married should mean that whoever's names are on the mortgages doesn't make that much difference. They will all be marital assets even though yours was yours from before your marriage. However, in the event of a divorce (not that I'm suggesting you're heading that way) a house each could mean that a judge feels a fair split is for you to hang on to your house while your DH hangs on to the marital home - meaning you both have a home each. That's why it matters how much mortgage is left, the value and equity of each property, etc. If your mortgage is nearly cleared but you've also made significant overpayments on the marital home that your DH has used to reduce his contribution, that's not particularly fair on you.

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee Tue 27-Aug-13 15:35:00

Shade - that can't be right.

If his mortgage payments have only reduced by £45 per month for about a year, his mortage will still be a lot lower than if you hadn't paid the lump sum.

You need to work out what it would have been if he had made the change when he should have (online calculator will work it out for you) and tell him he has to make that up now and keep it at the rate he was paying before - as a bare minimum.

Why didn't you go on the mortgage?

From now on, I'd pay anything off of your own mortgage, even though his is the one with the higher rate of interest. It seems he's very keen for YOU to overpay HIS mortgage, but isn't doing the same himself hmm

LittleWhiteWolf Tue 27-Aug-13 15:34:35

If I were you I certainly wouldn't do it again. Put any money you get onto your own property.
It may have slipped his mind to ring the mortgage company...or he may have been a sneaky shit. Either way keeping it from you for so long is definitely not on.

HotCrossPun Tue 27-Aug-13 15:32:55

Cross post with everybody!

Viviennemary Tue 27-Aug-13 15:31:32

Ask him for your £5000 back. What a cheek. And use it towards your own mortgage.

HotCrossPun Tue 27-Aug-13 15:29:03

Cross? I'd be absolutely livid.

A lot more info needed OP. Where has the money gone?

Squitten Tue 27-Aug-13 15:28:53

Could you calculate the total that he has underpaid over the period and then he can give that to you so you can put it on your mortgage? I know it doesn't help with interest but might make it feel less of a loss.

Your mortgage arrangements sounds very complex though!

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