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AIBU to still be cross even if DH says it was a mistake?

(64 Posts)
ShadeofViolet Tue 27-Aug-13 15:07:01

DH and I have been overpaying off our mortgage in the hope that we can be mortgage free by the time I am 40.

Last summer I overpaid £5000 which I had saved up in the previous year, it was hard work but I though we had the common goal. Mortgage overpaying was his idea. I asked DH to call the mortgage company to tell them we didn't want to change the payment amount. He said he had. Its his mortgage so I cant do it.

Got the statement this morning and he has not done it, he has been paying less each month so my overpayment was for nothing. When I asked him why he lied he told me that he did it to stop him nagging.

We havent rowed about it, but I am pretty annoyed. He says its a mistake and therefore I cant be mad.

AIBU. I am prepared to be told I am petty and I probably am, but TBH I am annoyed.

Cravey Tue 27-Aug-13 15:49:17

So you have paid 5k on a house which isn't yours. Are you mad ? He's scamming you and you need to wake up,

HotCrossPun Tue 27-Aug-13 15:50:11

Thanks Chipping like I said - cross post.

Awomansworth Tue 27-Aug-13 15:54:32

The fat that he knows his payments reduced once you paid the lump sum tells you he knew exactly what he was doing.

His commitment to "the plan" of paying off the mortgage doesn't appear to match yours. Therefor in your position I would concentrate any spare cash I had on paying off my own mortgage rather than his.

BashfulBunny Tue 27-Aug-13 15:54:50

HappyMummy is right; a sensible thing would be to set up a joint account for bill and pay 50/50 into it. Then you could see what was going on. Transparency is important for a healthy relationship. Especially where money is concerned.

Flibbertyjibbet Tue 27-Aug-13 16:00:53

Why on earth didnt you pay it off your own mortgage???? Equity is equity whether its on yours or his.

3 years ago my mother generously wanted to pay £1k off my mortgage. When she tried to do it she was not allowed as it was not her mortgage. She gave me a cheque for me to do the ovetpayment myself and when I did so I wad askex whether I wantrd to reduce the term or the payments. The didnt automatically reduce the payments.
anyway so far your h has had 45 per mth extra in his account for a yesr. Thats £610. So now tell him to get you on the mortgage and put the amount back up. You can do this by phone and hand the phone to him at the appropriate time.
Or just ask him for the money back and pay it off your own.
But it was family money you saved up so it was his own money that made the payment.....

holidaysarenice Tue 27-Aug-13 16:32:52

He saves the 5000 he has stolen, returns it to you and you pay off your mortgage. A written agreement needs to be drawn up that he has borrowed 5000 and needs to pay it back.

He loses all independent financial control until he can be trusted not to steal.

And you go on that mortgage.

HappyMummyOfOne Tue 27-Aug-13 16:53:52

Holidays, why would he need to return it? OP is a joint owner of the house just not on the mortgage so presumably pays for the home she lives in anyway. She hasnt commented whether the £5k came from her own salary or joint family money anyway so its unknown.

Its a curious thing MN at times, mens money is considered "family money" but not the womens, the woman should be a joint owner always yet nobody has mentioned the other property being put into joint names to ensure equality and women are encouraged to have a secret "rainy day" fund whereas the man should not hide anything and share it all.

They both need to ensure that things are fair and their financial plan matches or compromise reached. Both need to want to forgo extras and overpay as both should be onboard of bills are shared equally. If one person is paying, then they get the majority say in what happens to their earnings.

LessMissAbs Tue 27-Aug-13 17:04:46

So he's effectively conned you of £5000, or part of it at least, and kept up the deception for a year? OMG!

riskit4abiskit Tue 27-Aug-13 17:39:54

I think I would be more forgiving if you hadnt said he works in finance!

fabergeegg Tue 27-Aug-13 18:47:41

People like this are awful. If it's what I think, he will genuinely think it's a mistake, but it will always mean that someone else is out of pocket. This is a pathological personality trait. I know it sounds histrionic but I would even wonder if it's worth arguing with him over, if he hasn't enough sense of decency to (a) not mess up like this in the first place and (b) put it right now. Is he usually skint? Does he know where his money goes? Does he like a standard of living that he isn't quite affording? Do you often find yourself lending/paying for stuff you wouldn't have chosen to? And why why WHY are you not on the mortgage?

I think you sound very foolish.

PurplePidjin Tue 27-Aug-13 18:56:03


Not £5000 (or € if it's Ireland?)

I would be expecting an apology, replacement of the money and a very good explanation of why he thinks so little of you angry

StuntGirl Tue 27-Aug-13 18:56:12

I'm not sure why you're not more mad about this.

valiumredhead Tue 27-Aug-13 19:16:19

I'm glad you're married, makes no difference if your name isn't on the mortgage as you can still claim on it 'if circumstances change' so to speak. You definitely shouldn't be contributing to his house of you're not married.

Nagging? Is he normally so rude?

mysteryfairy Tue 27-Aug-13 19:24:11

The overpayment has been used to reduce the payments for the rest if the term. This is why at this point, presumably well before the end of the term, the DH has not saved £5k off his repayments yet.

The OP is apparently the joint legal and beneficial owner if the house but has no liability for the loan secured on it. Why under those circumstances would it be a benefit for her to be put on the mortgage? The only benefit as far as I can see would be she could then instruct the lender over things like whether to reduce the monthly payment, which is what lender has assumed was required, or the term, which OP apparently intended. There may well be a reason the lender won't have her on the mortgage - exposure on her other mortgage, employment status etc - anyway.

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