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AIBU to report SIL

(22 Posts)
Namechanger13 Tue 27-Aug-13 10:49:05

SIL is extremely volatile. I have witnessed her shouting at her toddler before, she is constantly shouting and rowing, to the point whereby PIL have asked her not to come for Christmas anymore.

MIL has confided in me in the past that whilst on the phone (SIL lives other end of the country) she has heard her calling toddler a bastard, shouting, screaming etc. child's father is involved but they are not together. I told MIL at the time that something needed to be done, but technically as it was hearsay I couldn't do anything myself. I don't have a particularly good relationship with her so its not even like I could talk to her about it myself.

MIL has called to say that child's father has called her, after dropping his dd home and witnessing SIL trying to hit her, and dd saying 'no mummy don't hit me on the face!'

Now I don't know what to do. I'm very aware that this info is now third hand, it may not even betrue but to honest it wouldn't surprise me.

My personal feeling is that SIL is mentally unwell and struggling (understandable as single parent), but obviously the child is in danger, or at the very least (if the hitting remark untrue), an unpleasant environment.

I have asked MIL to please ask father to take child, at least for few days and potentially call ss. I have said that if he doesn't do it, she probably should. SIL clearly needs support, this ant continue, it is abuse.

I don't feel that I can contact ss because nearly all my info is third hand, apart from knowing SILs temperament... I also don't kw her address or anything so couldn't give enough info anyway probably but I don't want to just leave the poor baby in this situation if she is in danger. MIL is reluctant to involve ss as she thinks they will just wip child into care. I have explained that this is unlikely if SIL is cooperative and at the very least she will go to her father whilst SIL gets the help she needs.

What do you think? Keep my nose out? Call ss? Or bide my time and see what DNs father does?

Any advice appreciated, I'm at a loss.

EasyMark Tue 27-Aug-13 10:52:50

call ss and they are duty bound to investigate. Call them now.

MortifiedAdams Tue 27-Aug-13 10:54:36

Call ss. You can remain annonymous.

Namechanger13 Tue 27-Aug-13 10:59:41

Yeah I think I will. I feel sick just thinking about the poor little thing. I was thinking of phoning the NSPCC first for some advice re third hand info and lack of address... What do you think?

HeySoulSister Tue 27-Aug-13 11:00:13

You have no address? Nursery/school the child attends?

Namechanger13 Tue 27-Aug-13 11:06:59

No, she lives the other end of the country and we don't really talk. MIL has her address obv but she knows I want to report so wouldn't give it to me

Birdsgottafly Tue 27-Aug-13 11:16:53

Phone the NSPCC and tell your MIL what you are doing.

They might just deny everything, that is the problem, but at least if you get a phone call to say the child is in hospital or dead/disabled (many children are disabled by injuries but it doesn't get reported), you can all at least say that you did what you could.

Your MIL is letting her DD and GD down by doing nothing. I personally could not mix with anyone, even family who are happy for child abuse to happen.

Namechanger13 Tue 27-Aug-13 11:20:49

Just spoken to MIL. She is going up there. She plans to bring the child back with her! Have told her that she needs to phone the authorities and go through the correct channels. Have told her that if she hasn't done so by this afternoon, I'm doing it.

Birdsgottafly Tue 27-Aug-13 11:34:24

Has she outlined a plan, once the child is with her?

Does the father have PR and what will he say to her being with MIL?

Sometimes things can get sorted out within the family, if they realise the issues and are willing to make a change, but it needs both parents and the person who the child is residing with to agree and work together.

Birdsgottafly Tue 27-Aug-13 11:37:24

"Have told her that she needs to phone the authorities and go through the correct channels."

My last post was in reply to the above statement, as the "channels" are only needed if the family is not capable of sorting things out, first.

Namechanger13 Tue 27-Aug-13 11:41:09

As far asi know dad has pr. he is on board with PIL taking dd. he has a very high powered job and doesn't think he could cope with a toddler full time hmm that's another story.

SIL would never agree to it though I don't think, therefore surely without the authorities behind them it would be kidnap? I think the idea is they are going on proviso of a normal visit, say oh darling we have noticed you are finding things tough, let me take dgd to give you a break etc. personally I'm not sure SIL sees how bad she is, I think she needs serious help which she won't do voluntarily without some serious consequences should she refuse.

It's really tough isn't it?

Namechanger13 Tue 27-Aug-13 11:44:19

I see your point birds but the best option would be for SIL to get help for her issues and parenting skills, I know she loves DN and wants to be a good parent, but she is unbalanced and unwell (I think). Surely ss would have more clout than MiL at making her do this.

Also, if MiL takes DN, gainst SILs wishes, she will call police. Surely they will want to know why MIL didnt contact said she was concerned?

Azultrailer Tue 27-Aug-13 11:45:12

Er, WTF? On the basis of a mum shouting at her toddler and a single comment the child has said, the father's parents are going to kidnap her???

Is this a reverse AIBU?

Birdsgottafly Tue 27-Aug-13 11:47:54

If the father cannot manage the child, then it is better that he recognises that, rather than he starts to struggle.

She can reside with MIL, if he agrees and they say that they are informing SS to SIL, if she refuses to see how bad things are.

She can go to her GP independently and say how bad things are, to get help, all this can be done without a CP plan being put in place.

SIL could be under extreme pressure and may need respite, but it could be something else, such as depression etc, in which case your MIL would have to realise that SIL will not just get over this by having a break, she needs help.

Namechanger13 Tue 27-Aug-13 11:52:03

Azu - it is not just her shouting, she calls her a bastard, screams at her. Regularly. The father witnessed her going to hit the child and intervened.
Are you telling me, honestly that you think that's ok? If those are the things that have been witnessed, what goes on behind closed doors?

Azultrailer Tue 27-Aug-13 11:54:14

No I'm not saying it's ok at all. But it sounds like it could ALSO be a snapshot. And much as I'm against smacking, a parent who does smack, under pressure isn't necessarily one who should have their children removed!

Birdsgottafly Tue 27-Aug-13 11:55:39

"Surely SS would have more clout than MiL at making her do this."

If everyone deny's what has happened, then SS will find no issues.

At this stage, i don't think it would go to CP, only a CIN and SS have no power to make your SIL address the issues that she has, she could just be very clever at hiding what is going on, given the age of the child.

That is why you have to be wary of rushing in, it needs addressing, but MIL is a key part of this.

You need to discuss this, as a family and she needs to be aware of what she is proposing.

As yet, no-one knows if SIL would be happy for the child to stay at MIL's.

Birdsgottafly Tue 27-Aug-13 11:56:28

"No I'm not saying it's ok at all. But it sounds like it could ALSO be a snapshot. And much as I'm against smacking, a parent who does smack, under pressure isn't necessarily one who should have their children removed!"

No, but she may need a break and that is what MIL is offering.

Namechanger13 Tue 27-Aug-13 12:03:54

Adult, it wasn't a smack, she went to wack her round the head. I agree that I don't just think she should be taken away, I thought I had made it clear from my posts that I felt she needed support and was unsure of the best way forward.

Clearly it can't stay this way though, whatever your opinions on smacking, calling your child abusive names and wacking a two year old round the head is abuse.

Namechanger13 Tue 27-Aug-13 12:04:21

*azult - bloody iPad fail

Birdsgottafly Tue 27-Aug-13 12:13:50

It depends on the relationship between MIL and SIL and what sort of a person MIL is, whether she can put the needs of her DGD before her DD.

This is still a border line case and may not fit SS criteria, unless the father and MIL will be honest with what they have witnessed.

Getting SS involved may mean that SIL distances herself, which would be dangerous for the child.

SS would say that the best thing would be for the child to stay with MIL, whilst they do their investigation, so getting them involved may not direct any additional help to SIL at this stage.

Namechanger13 Tue 27-Aug-13 12:22:20

Thank you birds, you have really helped put this into perspective for me. I think I will wait and see if MIL actually does as she says she will, she can be a bit all all no action at times.

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