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to tell xp that his finances are not my problem

(189 Posts)
thatisall Mon 26-Aug-13 01:34:27

Where to start?
XP and separated almost 7 years ago on weird terms (he was a cheat and a manipulative one) we remained uncomfortable friends if that makes sense. After several months of 'friendship' for dd sake but no maintenance/support at all, I contacted the CSA.

He was incensed that he had to pay 200 towards her every month. His payments have not been reassessed since then.

A few weeks ago whilst speaking to the CSA about a missing payment (he had paid, they had not passed it on) they suggested we check a few details were still correct as it had been so long. The fact that he changed jobs a few years ago was logged as a change.
When I say he changed jobs, he went from working in a call centre to something with what would now appear to be much better pay. I am confident, CONFIDENT that he told me he had already told the CSA.

Anyway today xp arrives to collect dd and 'wants a word'. It seems his pay has gone up dramatically and the CSA feel he may need to pay more and that as he is responsible for updating them he may have to pay the difference for the last 3 years.

XP asked me to tell them to stop the reassessment and agree to him paying an extra few quid per month (20 was his suggestion) directly to me without CSA involvement and to forget any debt that may have been accrued. He then implied that if I allowed the CSA to properly reassess him then the debt may be so large that he would struggle to be able to afford to see dd and then she would suffer and all because 'i want his money'.

This tells me that he knows he has been underpaying and quite dramatically by the sound of it. I'm bit angry that XP is still trying to manipulate me or that he thinks he still can! For years he could get his way by saying 'just think of what that would do to dd' or 'for dd's sake' but really it would be for his sake.

I don't want dd to suffer or miss seeing her df but i refuse to believe that times would be so tough that he couldn't afford to see his child!? Or that the CSA would enforce payments that would cause that??

Anyway in a shock move even to me, I remained cool as a cucumber and said 'with all due respect, this isn't my problem'

Honestly this is so unlike me that he was visibly taken aback. He picked up the CSA letter, announced that he would speak to a legal person and left with dd.

I'm struggling to sleep now wondering if i am being cold, spiteful or even cruel. Am i causing problems where there don't need to be any? We could definitely use that extra money however much it is.
The fact that I can't sleep also makes me wonder whether I am once again being manipulated confused

Am I being unreasonable?

fuckwittery Mon 26-Aug-13 01:38:15

YA absolutely NBU
The CSA formula is v simple. He knew he had been underpaying when he changed jobs. If the arrears are troublesome for him now, tough shit.
He doesnt even sound like he wants to pay properly now, let alone pay the arrears.
your response to him (this is not my problem) was perfect.

StuntGirl Mon 26-Aug-13 01:43:07

YANBU in the slightest.

Stay cool as a cucumber, let the CSA calculate the correct costs and get some sleep!

thatisall Mon 26-Aug-13 01:44:05

and if he can't afford to see dd? His nice new payrise afforded him a new house in the countryside a couple of hours drive away. He says he might nit be able ti afford petrol.
Should have put that in op

CorrineFoxworth Mon 26-Aug-13 01:51:42

If he is prioritising where he lives to the detriment of seeing his child then he is a sorry excuse for a parent and this is not your fault. If he can't afford the petrol then he shouldn't have moved that far away.

Take it to court, please.

Wibblypiglikesbananas Mon 26-Aug-13 01:52:29

Well done you for sticking up for yourself. His issue, not yours, and the money isn't for you - it's for his child! Why would he begrudge her extra? Let the CSA do their worst - I hope you get interest on the arrears as well!

thatisall Mon 26-Aug-13 01:55:49

I think he considers that he already gives her extra as he (in his words) 'spends 100s on taking her out' when he sees her and if it really is money for dd then i should be happy with that

StuntGirl Mon 26-Aug-13 01:56:08

It's bluster to get you to back down. If its anywhere close to the truth what it'll mean is he'll have to cut back on something else/alter his finances to accomodate it. People often say "I can't afford it" when what they really mean is "I can't afford it AND keep doing things exactly how I currently doing them". Well, that's life!

If his relationship with his daughter is important enough to him he will make it work. Please don't forget, you are doing nothing wrong, and simply ensuring he financially cares for his daughter.

Beastofburden Mon 26-Aug-13 02:33:07

With the extra money you'll be getting, you can afford the damn petrol to drop her off yourself, if necessary. He shouldn't conceal his income from the CSA and shortchange his own daughter like that. Take no notice and keep it factual and calm with him.

Beastofburden Mon 26-Aug-13 02:35:43

Sending 100s on taking her out is pointless. She will be just as happy with free activities at her dads house. Whereas the money to you, can be spent on things that do improve her life. Wasting money on things she doesn't need or want is not equivalent to funding her normal life properly. But of course, it feeds his ego to be the high rolling luxury dad while you are the boring budget mum.

thatisall Mon 26-Aug-13 03:14:04

beast that's exactly how i feel!! He's all rollercoasters and I'm all 'brush your teeth darling'.
I think part of me feels threatened as to the lengths he'd go to to get back at me for 'taking his money' etc
I'm scared he'll say to dd (almost 11) that he can't see her anymore because of Mummy sad

Lampshadeofdoom Mon 26-Aug-13 03:42:17

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fuckwittery Mon 26-Aug-13 04:08:48

Again, its bloody easy to calculate csa amount. He knew he was underpayimg when he got his new job and allocated extra money to higher mortgage payment, better car, more holidays etc etc. He was shortchanging his DD then without,caring.

MammaTJ Mon 26-Aug-13 04:38:57

With extra money, you will be able to afford nice days out with her. grin

His not telling them is really not your problem. You could be diplomatic and say you tried to stop them reassessing but as the payments are made through them, you can't stop them doing it.

Mimishimi Mon 26-Aug-13 05:24:50

YANBU. It is none of your business to tell the CSA to halt investigations. I'd just reassure him that you were not instigating them.

CogDat Mon 26-Aug-13 05:31:53

If I had less money all of a sudden, the last thing I would want to drop from my life would be my children. I would rather have bread and water every meal and still see my kids.

Pobblewhohasnotoes Mon 26-Aug-13 06:50:30

He is being manipulative. You did well being cool and you need to stay that way. This money is for your DD.

Fairylea Mon 26-Aug-13 07:36:12


Enjoy the money you should have been receiving for all those years!

He is being a knob.

ZillionChocolate Mon 26-Aug-13 08:14:20

He's in the wrong. You could potentially be patient about the arrears owed, accepting it in instalments. That's it though. His answer of £20 extra and forgetting about the last 3 years is insulting.

It is his responsibility to sort out his contact and to pay for it. Saying he might stop is a good threat as you might cave in to ensure dd has a relationship with her father. You need to stay strong.

RalphGnu Mon 26-Aug-13 08:26:14


He should be pleased to be able to contribute more money towards his daughter's upkeep and improve her quality of life (not that I don't think her quality of life isn't great already).

How dare he threaten not to see his daughter any more? Any decent parent would move heaven and earth to spend time with their child. Fuckwit.

Squitten Mon 26-Aug-13 08:56:35


How much he CHOOSES to see his daughter is his concern as long as you make her available to him, which you will continue to do.

ChasedByBees Mon 26-Aug-13 09:06:30

Good for you! I think you need to be more like that in future.

As forging telling your DD that he can't see her because of you, well 11 is old enough to see through bull. I think teaching your DD to stand up for herself would be a more important lesson here.

calmingtea Mon 26-Aug-13 09:11:14

YANBU. But your description of his reaction did make me laugh - lots. You are not causing extra problems, he is. Yes he is trying to manipulate and blackmail you. He can see all the legal bods he likes, but the fact is he was trying to cheat the system and your child. He was legally obliged to inform them of any changes as they happened, and more that likely he will now have to pay up for his 'error'. Think about it, £200 is not a lot of money - when you think of what is takes to feed, house, clothe, educate a child. It really is a drop in the ocean. So enjoy any extra you are entitled to.

WithConfidence Mon 26-Aug-13 09:12:05

It is his responsibility to sort out his contact and to pay for it. Saying he might stop is a good threat as you might cave in to ensure dd has a relationship with her father. You need to stay strong.


I got this kind of rubbish from ex, then he tells me about his nights out just before getting in his new car hmm. If you didn't live with dd wouldn't you eat Value beans and turn the heating off in order to be able to see her? Because good parents put their relationship with their child first.

See if you can get him to put it in an email next time. Just say you don't want to discuss it any further, email me if you have anything to say. I think that is reasonable when you are in dispute over something as it will be stressful for dd to pick up that you are unhappy with each other, so try not to discuss it. And you'll have evidence of his manipulation.

RedHelenB Mon 26-Aug-13 09:12:15

Maybe you could forgo the back payments if you feel that might make things easier but your payments should increase from now on. My ex has only upped his payment for 3 children by £25 & rarely sees them but such is life! I think out of sight out of mind with kids, they "forget" how much they cost. Up to you what you do but ultimately he is responsible for his relationship with his daughter so don't feel guilty about that.

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