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To feel really upset at ex's mum?

(14 Posts)
splishsplosh Sun 25-Aug-13 23:05:16

Ex was abusive and also had a drug problem. I went into a refuge 4 years ago, and spent a year there. When we returned home he continued to cause problems, broke an injunction, broke into my home, behaved horribly in front of the dc and was also found guilty of harrassment.

He last saw the dc (now 4 and 7) over 2.5 years ago at his mum's house, until his bail conditions at the time precluded him from contacting any of us or entering our borough.

About 1.5 years ago I received a solicitors letter from him seeking contact and I said it would need to be supervised in a contact centre - initially he agreed to this, but then nothing further happened.

The dc see his parents every couple of weeks - today when their frandma brought them home they said that ex had spent the day with them. Their grandma said he'd come to her house for a shower (I think he might be homeless) and she'd thought he would have gone by the time she picked them up from mine this morning and got back there - but he hadn't.

I'm really upset - that she let this happen, that this might give him a reason to start causing problems again, that it's confusing for the children, who witnessed unpleasant behaviour from him before, but enjoyed playing with him today.

I have no idea if he still has a drug problem. I do know he has messed up many opportunities to be a responsible dad, and that he didn't bother to pursue contact when he couldn't have it on his terms.

AIBU to be upset at his mum, and not know whether this will happen again.

Sorry it's so long

maddening Sun 25-Aug-13 23:14:38

I would have to reconsider future contact with exmil if it were me - perhaps only supervised contact away from her home (not sure if she can come to your home?)

maddening Sun 25-Aug-13 23:18:30

Ps particularly as she knowingly enabled him to break the court order. If she had said that he was there when picking up the dc then you wouldn't have let them go until you knew he was gone. And she could have asked him to leave before ahe brought the dc in - she let him stay the day - she is a fool.

splishsplosh Sun 25-Aug-13 23:21:11

She could see the dc here, but the dc and their grandparents seem to enjoy having a day together regularly - but I just feel she knew it wasn't right but didn't do enough to ensure it didn't happen. He's really manipulative; I'm not sure I can trust her not to let them meet again.

I'd rather he didn't have any contact after everything that's gone on, but if he is to do so, then think it should at least start in a contact centre.

splishsplosh Sun 25-Aug-13 23:23:02

There's no court order in place any more, as he hasn't done anything for a while. But she looked uncomfortable admitting what had happened - I'm sure she knew I would be upset by it. And she didn't stop it happening.

DragonsAreReal Sun 25-Aug-13 23:23:53

Well she can't kick him out of her house and at the same time if you had both agreed she would not facilitate contact between them I can see she would be stuck in the middle. She couldn't really of turned around, put the dc back in the car and drove back to yours.

I do really sympathize OP, I do not speak to my dad at all he dumped me in care at 13/14 but recently he has been back in contact with my nan. my lovely nan has my dc over night once a week and recently he has took to popping over there when they are there. I have made it very very clear that while I cannot tell my nan who she may or may not have in her house my dc are not allowed to know he is my dad and as far as they are concerned he is just another of my nans friends. I have no wish for them to become attached to that wank stain.

DragonsAreReal Sun 25-Aug-13 23:24:51

Do you think though that because he is so feckless about seeing them even if he did see them a couple more times it the novelty would wear off and he wouldn't bother again?

MikeOxard Sun 25-Aug-13 23:27:57

"I would have to reconsider future contact with exmil if it were me - perhaps only supervised contact away from her home (not sure if she can come to your home?)"


SarahAndFuck Sun 25-Aug-13 23:30:07


She should have told you he was there when she came to pick up the children. She could have given you the option then of letting the children go to her house or having her stay at yours. And yes she could have told him to leave. Anything but present you with fait accompli when she brought them home.

You would be perfectly reasonable to tell her that this can't happen again and that you will ask her to see the children at your house from now on if she can't promise you that he won't be there next time.

wannaBe Sun 25-Aug-13 23:41:49

I understand that you are unhappy about this op, I would be too. But...

You had previously agreed to your ex having supervised contact. Clearly you do trust your ex mil with the kids given that you allow the kids to spend the day there, unsupervised every other week.

IMO contact isn't something which you agree too as a one off and then decide it can't be given because it didn't happen. do you think your ex mil is trustworthy enough to be able to supervise future contact between your dc and their father?

If yes then perhaps it is worth having a conversation with her along the lines that if your ex visits while they are there she must supervise them at all times, any breach of this agreement and you will withdraw all contact immediately.

Fwiw yanbu to be annoyed about this, but I think given the circs and that you had previously agreed contact there is aperhaps a compromise here.

IneedAsockamnesty Sun 25-Aug-13 23:48:10


With a history of DV and those bail conditions we are not talking minor incident and a thrown in drug problem you would think a none professional supervising initial contact to be a good thing?

WilsonFrickett Sun 25-Aug-13 23:49:26

I think you should trust your instincts. You obviously trust the GM and she admitted what happened, which is in her favour. And at 7 your eldest child is old enough to tell you what happened through the day so actually I believe she thought XP would be gone by the time she got home.

How important is her contact to her? Do you think she'd put it above having awkward or difficult conversations with her son? Because it sounds like he's probably not been a walk in the park for her either. So if you can discuss things openly and honestly with her and trust her to follow out your wishes then maybe you can work out a way forward. Maybe you saying 'if you go home with the DCs and xp is there, turn straight back round and bring them back here and you can spend the day at my home with them.' would be enough?

splishsplosh Sun 25-Aug-13 23:55:51

I didn't really want them to have contact at all, after all his past behaviour, but I agreed to supervised contact in a contact centre because that seemed reasonable.

I trust his mum to have the dc to visit, but not to supervise contact - I think he's too manipulative, and obviously it is difficult for her being in the middle.

I think she's always found it difficult to acknowledge the full extent of what he's done and we tend to avoid talking about him, but I am going to have to say something.

splishsplosh Mon 26-Aug-13 00:02:07

And the dc had a nice time with him today, so if they saw him again they'd probably react enthusiastically, making it difficult for their grandma to just turn round and leave....

even though prior to today their strongest memory of him was of him snatching my phone from me in the street, and pushing me over and later breaking into our house in the middle of the night almost 3 years ago. Even though youngest was just turned 2 at the time she still talked about it from time to time.

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