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Getting married without telling your kids

(135 Posts)
MikeOxard Sun 25-Aug-13 22:12:22

AIBU to think it's not on to get married and keep it a secret from your children until after the event?

If, for example, you did this, what would you expect your children's reaction to be?
A. Something along the lines of a simple 'thanks for the invite'?
B. Something more positive, congratulations etc?
C. Or something less positive, expressing hurt/rejection etc?

plinkyplonks Thu 29-Aug-13 14:01:52

brdgr And by the way, stop trying to thread hijack.. I'm sure this thread will help plenty of people. If you don't think this thread is helpful, report it to the mods or please just refrain from posting.

SorrelForbes Thu 29-Aug-13 14:12:25

I don't feel terrible or ashamed. DH and I know that we got married, without telling anyone (bar our two witnesses who then told other people!), for the right reasons.

I'm sure that many people have been hurt or badly affected by their parents getting married without telling them but similarly I'm sure that many have not been affected at all.

brdgrl Thu 29-Aug-13 14:51:11

It is not thread hijacking to object to the thread. If you don't agree with my objection, that is fine; it is not a hijack to state that I find it in bad form. If you object to my posts saying so, please, follow your own advice and ask for them to be deleted. I think people can make up their own minds about why this thread was created.

The OP has now said she'd like to see the thread deleted, as she finds it so upsetting. OK...

By the way, there is another current thread about elopement, the posts on which provide even more evidence that there are many circumstances under which getting married in secret and/or without including family is a perfectly acceptable move in the eyes of an awful lot of people. Of course, how an idea is phrased and presented in an OP makes an awful lot of difference, don't you find...

sillyrubberduck Thu 29-Aug-13 15:37:18

My DH’s Mum got married when he was 16 and only told DH and his sister afterwards. Both of them were very hurt and angry. DH can’t stand his Mum now and avoids to see her.
If my parents would have done this to me at whatever age I would have been heartbroken. It is so sad that people could do this sad

ChinaCupsandSaucers Thu 29-Aug-13 17:02:45

Don't think there ever a circumstance where it would be acceptable to do this

plinky What would you suggest as an alternative for my situation? DP and I are struggling to find a solution that doesn't, in one way or another, expose the DCs to some form of distress - a secret marriage had, until this thread, seemed the least damaging option.

Lioninthesun Thu 29-Aug-13 19:27:00

Is there any reason you can't wait china? I do think if I had been a couple of years older perhaps my mum would have been more adult about it and talked through - but as it happened she didn't have time to wait as he died 2 years later at 89. I am assuming your beau isn't that old, and wondered what the rush is? I understand it is your right to marry whoever, whenever, but it sounds as if your ex is the problem here, not your kids They will wonder why they weren't invited or told about it, at one time or another. It's possibly very good timing to see this thread, as I am sure my mum never understood why I couldn't allow myself to get as close to her as we had previously been, even after the death of my step father. Puberty highlights this 'slights' and can warp them magnificently.

Bahhhhhumbug Thu 29-Aug-13 19:42:16

Some 'children' of any age would also find it equally heartbreaking to witness one of their parents making the same vows they made to their other parent , to another person. Especially if that 'child' still mourns the break up of their parents marriage to each other and/or has difficulty , secretly or otherwise accepting their parent's new partner.
Could be seen as rubbing their noses in it really , so a later in life , second time around wife or stepmother cant really win can she ?
Inviting reluctant stepchildren could be seen as rubbing their noses in it and/or could result in all sorts of family arguments/politics breaking out and spoiling the wedding.
Not inviting them and even being diplomatic enough to elope completely so absolutely nobody can cry ' foul' or 'not fair' is still according to the OP and a minority in the case of adult 'children' still classed as 'terrible' 'unforgiveable' 'awful' 'selfish' and other derogatory terms.
Mind you stepmums especially cant do right for doing wrong in some quarters, comes with the territory.

ChinaCupsandSaucers Thu 29-Aug-13 19:53:24

Is there any reason you can't wait china?

Only that it leaves us both, and the DCs, vulnerable if anything happens to one, or both of us.

Wills alone don't give the same legal rights as marriage, and there are some things (such as the right to apply to the court for contact with stepchildren) that cannot be secured in any way other than marriage.

As your story highlights, the risk of 'waiting' is that something happens in the meantime, and the consequences on the DCs are just as significant.

TheYamiOfYawn Thu 29-Aug-13 20:09:01

I really don't think it's that big a deal in the case of an established partnership. My family don't go in for big weddings - the only wedding I've been to in my family had 16 guests. Everyone else has basically had only household members (and witnesses) in attendance. My stepbrother sent his mother a text on the morning of his wedding to let her know what he was doing. Rather than feeling betrayed, she drank some champagne and tested him back her congratulations.

M0naLisa Thu 29-Aug-13 22:54:23

Dhs mum married 22 days after us and didn't tell us until she got back.

Dhs dad did the same a few years ago. hmm

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