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DD totally fucked up her GCSEs. AIBU to tell her 'I told you so'?

(304 Posts)
TeenTwinsToddlerandTiaras Sun 25-Aug-13 21:01:31

Of course I won't but I am very, very cross about it. She got 2 Ds, 2 Es and 3 Fs FFS. All through secondary we have had problems with her being disruptive at school, getting detentions, calls about her not doing her homework or engaging with the lessons, getting into spats with other girls about stuff which did not involve her (sticking up for friends).

She was forecast for 3Cs, 2Ds and 3Es which was bad enough but we hoped she would get the extra C through the exams to get into the college course that she was so excited about doing and which we have supported her in doing even though I have my doubts (performing arts) but I wanted her to do something she enjoyed.

We have lectured her, given her 'pep talks', taken away privileges, shouted, screamed at her and now we have the end result - totally crap grades so she will not be able to do the college course she wanted to do and will have to spend the next year retaking as many as possible at a cost to us. I even frogmarched her to maths club one day as she was so behind but she refused to go again and I could'nt do that every bloody week. Ditto homework club/science club.

She has never been diagnosed with any SENs, her teachers have always stated that she is very bright and would do fine if she would just shut up and listen. She seems to have disengaged with reality and decided that she was going to become a singer/rapper so school was not important. She spends hours writing rap lyrics and listening to that bloody Iggy Azalea (most annoying songs ever). She has even insisted that she will be moving to LA as soon as she is 18 and do whatever it takes to become a 'sooperstarrr' hmm and I fully support her in that 'dream' and hope she can achieve it (not by moving to LA and living in the bins waiting to be discovered though grin) but she needs to at least get some qualifications first!

I could bloody shake her very hard. She thinks she knows everything. Aaaarrrrgggh. Any suggestions on what to do with her?

quietitude Sun 25-Aug-13 21:29:04

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Beastofburden Sun 25-Aug-13 21:29:43

Weary tiger- "over privileged and under motivated" - exactly right. smile a more toxic combination you cannot imagine, at this stage.

ProphetOfDoom Sun 25-Aug-13 21:30:53

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Beastofburden Sun 25-Aug-13 21:31:07

Sorry- to be clear, am not saying the OPs DD is over privileged and under motivated- I am saying that if she goes to private retakes college, she will be mixing with a lot of kids who are, and that will become the new normal.

Picturesinthefirelight Sun 25-Aug-13 21:31:18

And to be brutally blunt

If she was truly talented (and capable of doing the btec perfect arts) the college would take her no matter what her grades.

TeenTwinsToddlerandTiaras Sun 25-Aug-13 21:32:21

She was shocked at the grades but just said she will retake them while getting a job so she can save up to hire a recording studio hmm. I have impressed on her that with those grades getting even a part time job will be very difficult!

The local college do not offer GCSEs, nor do the two 6th forms in our area hmm. She will have to go to the local Adult Community Learning Centre for evening courses but they only offer Maths, English and Science so she could only potentially come away with 3 anyway and she would still need 4 for the Performing Arts course or 7 for A levels (if she finally comes to her senses).

I am just totally pissed off that she seems to think it's fine that she can just waste another year redoing them when she could have had them done and dusted. Also worried about her getting sucked into a low paying job and still doing it when she's 30 while waiting to become 'famous'.

She needs a short, sharp shock, not sure what though!

ProphetOfDoom Sun 25-Aug-13 21:34:07

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Vivacia Sun 25-Aug-13 21:35:04

I think you need to let her just do this for a bit. Nothing you say will make her get it.

Chunkamatic Sun 25-Aug-13 21:35:14

The thing is, and I don't have a teenager yet so feel free to ignore me, I can still remember the lecturing/shouting/dictating that my parents gave me when I was a capable and bright 15 year old that wasn't interested in school. It made me feel shit and never once made me want to try harder.
She doesn't know better than you, but right now she absolutely believes that she does, and any further lectures from you just show her you have no clue and that fundamentally you don't understand her.
I think you need to let her find out for herself that she doesn't know it all, and you need to be there to help her pick up the pieces when she does.

morry1000 Sun 25-Aug-13 21:36:39

Teen/Twins. you DD sounds very similar to mine and what you have to do if possible is get your DDs favorite Teacher to show some kind of faith or belief in DD, My DD was very disruptive from yr7 all the way up to the last few weeks of yr11 when it dawned on her that if she did not at least put a bit of effort in she was going to end up with 5Es despite having an IQ of 138, so DDs favorite teacher(ENGLISH) proposed to DD that if she could turn English/Maths from an E to D she would push for DD to repeat yr 11 again DD manged Cs in English/History, It might be a little different because DD has a STATEMENT for ADHD and other needs but you need to ask the school to perhaps readmit your DD to yr 11 again or offer a vocational way forward for her.

TeenTwinsToddlerandTiaras Sun 25-Aug-13 21:37:53

She passed the audition for the performing arts course with flying colours and it was very over subscribed unsurprisingly for these days. We are meeting them on next Friday to see what they say but she has nowhere near the required grades so won't get in as they told me on the phone when I rang them in a panic on Friday! She could take the lower level one year course but says she won't.

She will not be going to a private college. I meant paying for extra tutoring. She cannot afford to flunk them again.

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee Sun 25-Aug-13 21:38:17

YWNBU - in fact, you have shown great restraint in not having done so yet.

I agree with beastofburden & LEM (& others) - back right off. Tell her to sort herself out - ring the PA college & beg, find a local college to do resists or get herself a job.

Tell her if she is in education you will continue to provide her with a room, food, etcetcetc but if she is not in fulltime education and actually doing it, passing things, putting in the effort then she needs to pay you £x pw. If you don't, she will just have another year fucking around annoying you.

Live in LA & become a SoooooooooperStar. She needs a good dose of reality - get her to apply for a visa grin

wine cakewine

cory Sun 25-Aug-13 21:38:28

I was thinking the same as Pictures there.

My dd and her friends who are about to start the performing arts course at college are doing a summer drama programme in preparation: starting with press-ups at 10 in the morning and working through with physical theatre and dance moves until 9 o'clock at night. Dd is full of bruises from other performers walking all over her (as part of the staircase). That is the attitude the other students on her course would have- and they would not take kindly to somebody who didn't pull their weight.

If your dd says she wants to do what it takes to be a performer (never mind a superstar) then she ought to be out there doing just that, because she can bet that is what the competition will be doing. They won't have left it this late: anyone her age who is thinking of being a singer will have formed their own band by now and be doing gigs.

To me she sounds more like somebody who is overwhelmed by the real world and hides in her dreams. Understandable but not very productive.

Agree with LEM about speaking to their college. We did have a momentary panic about dd not achieving her GCSE's (illness) and the college said they would let her do them there instead, if necessary taking an extra year, and it would have been free. It sounds as if she could do with being in a more grown-up environment. And beastofburden may well be right that a local FE college would provide such an environment.

cory Sun 25-Aug-13 21:39:28

sorry, cross-posted about the colleges

not an option then

greenfolder Sun 25-Aug-13 21:40:07

maybe her short sharp shock would be to drop her in da hood in LA- see how long she survives! (has worked in FE colleges where there are only 2 real aspirations- one is to invent computer games, the other is to be famous).
strongly suggest she does some kind of level 2 programme full time. and gets crappo job (my dd1 ended up cleaning at a school- she is just about to start at Uni to do Film and TV production).

catinabox Sun 25-Aug-13 21:40:30

Perhaps you should spare a thought for some of the young people on her classes who, if not for your dd's behaviour, mght have got an A instead of a B, or a B instead of a C, etc. Who have gone home in tears because of the days events and because they wanted to learn

Yes, pray for them o.p. and so should your DD. grin

If it makes you feel any better, I have spent my life wishing i hadn't failed at school. (i got exactly the same grades as your DD) Mainly because I think i missed out on some learning that I have had to later catch up on.

But, i have also gained valuable life experience and have since been involved in writing papers given at conferences and attended a Russell Group university.

I didn't have the x factor though.

MrsCakesPremonition Sun 25-Aug-13 21:41:47

I'd be tempted to point out to her that the artists which end their careers with the money to fund their lifestyles, are the ones that have the education to be able to run their careers as a business. The rest of them tend to end up with much, much less than they ever hoped for while their managers laugh all the way to the bank.

But she probably wouldn't listen to me either. Good luck.

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee Sun 25-Aug-13 21:42:03

If she took the lower level course, what would happen about her GCSE's.

She really is up on her high horse isn't she. Jesus wept I'd be on the gin by now!

catinabox Sun 25-Aug-13 21:42:30

..but yes, performing arts sounds like a great plan. she could branch into other things, running workshops, working with young people who also hate school

SauceForTheGander Sun 25-Aug-13 21:42:33

Why does she have to move to LA to become famous? If she was really good she could be signed here surely?

And if music is her thing could you bribe her with a promise of completing her GCSEs and you offering her 3 singing lessons / help pay to hire studio or something she'd be excited about... Is she any good? Is this a crazy pipe dream?

I dunno - I'm just dreading this ....

Beastofburden Sun 25-Aug-13 21:42:36

Let her get a job. She will learn how to behave and fit in, and it will do her a lot of good. She can save up for a frigging moon rocket if she likes, better than if she blows in it in Primark and Nandos every week.

I am prepared to bet that two years in a crappy job will sort her out and she will form more realistic plans. A friend of DS screwed up his sixth form and worked part time in a dead end job for what seemed like forever, but is back on track now. He is around 3 years behind his peer group, but actually once he is 30 it will be no big deal.

Lets be honest, you are not that pleased about the performing arts dream anyway, are you? So two years spent growing out of the whole stupid idea, followed by some NVQs and a more realistic career might be a blessing in disguise.

There is no big hurry. She is taking longer than her peer group but this is a good thing,as her fundamental dream is not a great idea anyway.

Picturesinthefirelight Sun 25-Aug-13 21:44:33

Yes. My dd is only 11 and about to go to a vocational performing arts school.

Because she was told she needs to work on certain things she has spent almost her entire summer doing summer schools. She has been stretching & doing flexibility exercises daily, sometimes 3 times daily last week she spent 4 hours a day doing a summer course focusing on technique & performance skills. She has been experimenting with choreography & working on vocal excercices

She is 11.

GrendelsMum Sun 25-Aug-13 21:46:28

I totally agree with Beast. let her sort herself out now, be perky and positive on her behalf rather than all doom and gloom, and let her find out for herself that life is a lot of hard work.

'You're going to move to LA? that's lovely, darling!' Etc etc. Eventually she'll discover she can't move there and she'll shut up about it.

primroseyellow Sun 25-Aug-13 21:46:36

Rummikub's suggestion is sensible ie Level 2 BTEC at FE college and resit English and maths. The reason many colleges don't offer full time GCSE resit courses is because they often don't work and students like your DC very quickly lose interest and motivation second time around and get results not much better than first time. If DC did well on level 2 BTEC and got Cs in English and maths she would probably be able to progress to the level 3 BTEC she wants to do the following year.

Vivacia Sun 25-Aug-13 21:46:53

How old is your daughter Pictures?

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