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To not force DD to go to her dads?

(38 Posts)
Joanne279 Fri 23-Aug-13 09:01:36

Hello everyone,

Have a dilemma and I'm not sure of the right things to do.

My dd is 8, and ds 5. They go to their dads every other weekend. The last few months he keeps promising dd to sort her out dance classes which he never does. He promises to take her swimming the park etc but never does. He promises to buy her stuff, take her out, pick her up. 90% of the time he fails to do what he has promised.

We've recently had an issue over her being given a Nintendo ds that turns out to be her step sister 'lost' ds. Her dad gave it to her.

She is obviously upset over the ds things which in turn has made her raise her other issues with me and she has now flatly refuses to go to her dads saying he lets her down all the time.

I can see that some of the things she is upset about are a bit trivial to an adult, but I can honestly say she adores her dad and for her not to want to go, she must be incredibly upset. She didn't want to go a fortnight ago and I honestly expected it to have calmed down by this weekend but after talking to her yesterday, she still refuses to go.

Ds wants to go, and I've said that's fine but their dad is going mental at me for not 'sorting her out' (his words) and telling her 'not to take things so seriously'.

Do I make her go? Or respect her wishes? She's recently been diagnosed as having high levels of anxiety and I'm afraid of what me pushing her might do.

Thanks x

Joanne279 Fri 23-Aug-13 11:10:36

Thank you for your input guys smile

I can see the opinion is very mixed and I'm still so very insure of what to do.

I was thinking about keeping her home this weekend but asking her to go out to the car when her dad drops her brother off to talk to him. Although my sister thinks that might be a bit daunting for her at 8 sad

And he is defo not the kind of bloke I could talk to about this. He has blown a complete fuse over it ranting and raving. I've tried to explain I'm not stopping her going, as ds is going, she just doesn't want to. But, buy allowing her to not face her dad am I making it worse in the long run? X

VisualiseAHorse Fri 23-Aug-13 11:16:48

Honestly? I don't think she should be made to go. I was in the same place as her once, when I was around six years old. I didn't want to see my dad, so I wasn't made to. My older sister went along without me. And when I was ready a few weeks later, I went.

She is clearly upset, and I don't see how forcing her to go somewhere she doesn't want to will improve the relationship with her dad. He needs to see that he has upset her, maybe you need to chat to him?

VisualiseAHorse Fri 23-Aug-13 11:18:04

If she goes while upset, she will spend the entire weekend upset, resenting her dad for failing in his promises, and it will only make it worse for the next time.

NoComet Fri 23-Aug-13 11:27:26

That's why you Email.

I resort to Emails/notes left on DHs computer keyboard because he doesn't sodding listen, rants and doesn't shut up.

He will never publicly admit he's wrong. Doesn't mean he doesn't quietly and privately think things through.

clam Fri 23-Aug-13 11:47:41

Why do you have to "sort her out?" He's the one who's upset her, he should come round and talk to her about it.
Email him N's tell him this.

Holliewantstobehot Fri 23-Aug-13 12:33:25

Starball- i agree. Thats why i always txt or email because their dad will just shout at me and tell me its my fault if i try and talk with him. Whereas if he reads it later when hes calmer hes more likely to take it on board.

kaav Fri 23-Aug-13 13:21:16

Really Mummytime - I think you will have to make her go, but if she returns very distressed then I would take her to your GP.

"hello doctor, my dd doesn't want to go to her dads" I think that's ridiculous.

IneedAsockamnesty Fri 23-Aug-13 16:13:56

Why on earth would you make an 8 yo face something that you as an adult are stressing about and find to be ranty.

If you find it worrying you can bet she will more so.

ovenbun Fri 23-Aug-13 16:55:35

Kaav "hello doctor, my dd doesn't want to go to her dads" I think that's ridiculous.

I'm hoping that you just hadn't read the first post through..This little girl has been diagnosed with anxiety, this is a mental health condition, the GP may be able to prescribe counselling or help in other ways..


mummytime Fri 23-Aug-13 18:12:18

kaav if a child is very distressed of course you should take them to see your GP, who might be nice and put it on record or might refer on (well my GP is quite happy with this). Small children can become distressed and have other mental health issues. Getting a professional involved is a good thing to provide evidence, and maybe help/advice.

Joanne279 Fri 23-Aug-13 18:45:19

She's already been referred to CAMHS (child mental health) after a no-no diagnosis for autism. The wait is 8-12 weeks

I'm just beside myself. I don't know how to help her. I don't want her to feel that finding the courage to talk to me has been a waste of time if I make her go. X

ovenbun Sat 24-Aug-13 16:08:21

You have been very loving and understanding towards her,Im sure you have helped her . I think all you can do is speak to CAMHS and see if theres anyway she can be seen earlier, and talk to the school once they go back, do they have a nuture group or a teacher who does pastoral care? They may be able to support you both in the meantime smile if she gets very upset you could both ring childline together, I know it seems extreme but they are there for children in distress and basically offer you direct access to a trained counsellor over the phone xx

Floatsyourboat Sat 24-Aug-13 16:29:05

I would be very careful what you do here because 1 week turns into 2 and then 2 into 3 and before you know it a whole year will have past and he will have given up asking her.

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