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To say no to my pregnant friend?

(56 Posts)
Confused40 Tue 20-Aug-13 21:56:57

She's having work done in her house and been staying in a hotel. She's not sure if the local authority will be paying for it and the last day to stay there is tomorrow. She stayed a night with me last week and has some of her belongings stored here.
She asked by text, and didn't enquire how I am or how my day was, and why not phone when you want something?
She's in a seriously bad DV r/s and always asks my advice and I try to help out and not judge. I've helped her out loads. Giving her maternity clothes, baby clothes etc.
I really feel the friendship in one sided and when she texted me I've not heard from her all weekend, when she said she'd ring/text.
I don't want her staying here and have ignored her text so far. I only hear from her when she wants something. I've arranged for a charity I was working at to help her and her family out, written letters for her etc. She just seems to take, take, and it feels really one sided.

WWYD? I'm so pissed off with her. She's in a really bad r/s with a guy she'll be having a baby for. Last time I saw her she said he called her a C**t and spat in her face. She's 8 months pregnant. He's promised to buy her stuff for the baby and only bought a few baby gros and a blanket. She has literally nothing.

Please don't get me wrong, I feel for her I really do, but its all take and not give and I've had enough.

WeAreEternal Tue 20-Aug-13 22:00:15

If you don't want her to stay say no, simple.

raisah Tue 20-Aug-13 22:00:30

In her position, what can she give you?

Confused40 Tue 20-Aug-13 22:04:29

I don't expect her to give me anything. I've known her for years, and other friends have stopped talking to her because of her one-sidedness.

pollyblue Tue 20-Aug-13 22:12:38

From a practical POV, are you able to help her? Do you have the space at home etc

bustedmonkey Tue 20-Aug-13 22:14:30

Ermmm, I don't think OP wants 'things' from her, instead appears to be expecting a friendship and she's NBU for expecting that. If someone's looking out for you the least you can 'give' them is your time and your companionship - like texting, calling, asking after OP?

However, OP, sounds like your friend does have a lot on her plate at the mo, perhaps she is taking you for granted a little. But then haven't we all had bad times in our life where we've taken our friends and family for granted? I think that is allowed within reason. Unless of course she's always been this way with you and its coming to a head.

In any case, having someone staying with you is very different to helping them out by giving what they need, so if you are not comfortable with that you should defo say no.

WhereYouLeftIt Tue 20-Aug-13 22:15:13

"In her position, what can she give you?"
Friendship. Time. Interest in how your life is going. A listening ear. Conversation.

It doesn't sound as if she 'gives' any of these, OP. Are you sure she's actually a friend? Just because you've known someone a long time they're not necessarily a friend.

Eilidhbelle Tue 20-Aug-13 22:15:23

But probably she is thinking only of herself because she HAS to, in this horrible situation she's in. I think you're asking too much of her, either be there for her or don't but try to do it with good grace.

PeppermintCreamsSaga Tue 20-Aug-13 22:16:46

No is a complete sentence.

You've helped her lots, and can keep helping her too, but in other ways. If you don't want her to stay with you it's fine to say no.

SantanaLopez Tue 20-Aug-13 22:17:00

I know one-sided friendships are shite but god that poor woman. She's 8 months pregnant. Can you say one night ONLY and then march her to the charity or something?

Lilacroses Tue 20-Aug-13 22:20:38

If she is constantly in these terrible sort of situations I can understand why you might feel exasperated. It's not that you lack sympathy it's just that you are running out of stamina for it! It sounds as though she is currently in a particularly dreadful situation right now.....hard to think of many worse circumstances. If you can't bear for her to stay (and I do sympathise with you I will help anyone I can if they need help but I absolutely loathe having people stay with me) maybe see if you can help her find somewhere else?

Switchedtoeatingbutter Tue 20-Aug-13 22:23:46

If he is spitting in her face in front of other people who knows what he does to her behind closed doors. She's heavily pregnant, her house will be upside down and has a total asshole for a partner. Would giving her a break and letting her stay over for a couple of nights be that bad? P

Joiningthegang Tue 20-Aug-13 22:29:48

I don't understand how, if this is your friend, you would even think of saying no given she is in the situation she is. Poor woman's life is a train wreck and you don't seem to be giving her any slack. She is trying to survive fgs.

Why not put her up until her home is ready? Think of the newborn cuddles!!!

WhereYouLeftIt Tue 20-Aug-13 22:36:31

Newborn cuddles? Sheesh, are you suggesting the OP should have this woman stay for over a month shock?

To those of you trying to guilt the OP into putting this woman up; how do you feel about enabling? Or users?

McNewPants2013 Tue 20-Aug-13 22:40:54

What was she like before Lady Luck dealt her a shit hand.

When will house be ready

givemeaboost Tue 20-Aug-13 22:47:32

Is is council/HA? tbf, if the house is HA then surely they are paying for the temp accommodation, whilst work is carried out? if her last night there is close, she needs to contact the HA asap and ask wether her home is ready and if its not, what accommodation are they offering next?

OP you may sound a little harsh to others but I have been on that side of the coin too. unfortunately with a DV partner its unlikely she'll change- they tend to be loyal to their partners and will do anything for them. However, if SS/HCPs are aware of the DV and depending on the severity she could end up losing her baby, it could well turn into a case of choosing between him and the baby and it'll be at that point she'll need her friends around her most-shes most likely to choose him over the baby if she feels alone and unsupported by those around her.

Id try to uninvolved yourself abit-stop giving her baby bits if this makes you feel a little resentful and unappreciated, just be there for chats and advice but try not to feel obliged to actually DO anything.

Confused40 Tue 20-Aug-13 22:49:19

I realise I sound so heartless, but I don't have the room, have a newborn dd, and she'd have to sleep in my bed. Her partner doesn't like me and thinks I'm a slut, so what has she told him? I've only met him once?? I'm a lone parent. His family just told her she's not welcome in their house due to having three fathers for her children, and her current partner making it the fourth.
I really have helped her out so much over the years. The friendship is always on her terms and I'm drained.
She asks my advice and does the opposite. She also proudly boasted that she lost it with her oldest dd and kicked her out, dragging her by her hair?? I was horrified, and she couldn't see my point of view. Her dd doesn't like her current partner, who doesn't live with her. DD helps her out so much looking after her two young brothers. She's been 100% responsible for them for the past three weekends whilst her mother goes out on days out with partner and stays in hotel. Mother says if I see my boys they'll just want to come home and just get upset. So she hasn't seen them for two weeks. One of her boys who is 6 has starting soiling himself. They're staying with friends parents who are abusive and the children are upset with the shouting etc. Yet my friend still chooses to leave her children in this environment.
With all this in mind, I struggle being around her and my heart goes out to her boys.

RobotHamster Tue 20-Aug-13 22:50:08

God,the selfish bitch.

wharrgarbl Tue 20-Aug-13 22:51:50

God what a trainwreck. When someone just keeps making worse and worse decisions, and you can see it all happening in front of you, I'm not sure there's anything you can do that will help.

wharrgarbl Tue 20-Aug-13 22:52:36

And the poor babies. Only 6, the poor little thing.

Retroformica Tue 20-Aug-13 22:53:43

I think I would support her till her life was a little more settled. She is probably at her very lowest right now and it would be awful to kick her while she's down.

lottieandmia Tue 20-Aug-13 22:54:01

From what you say, I feel sorry for her too but if you feel she isn't really interested in you as a friend then YANBU for being fed up with her imo. Could there be a reason why she didn't contact you that weekend though?

Viviennemary Tue 20-Aug-13 22:56:00

It's not as if she hasn't got a home. She chose to have work done at this difficult time which was hardly very sensible. If you don't want her to stay then say no. She will have to go to a relative or stay longer in the hotel or move back to her own house and live with the upheaval of workman. Plenty of people do.

lottieandmia Tue 20-Aug-13 22:56:01

Is it possible that she has any MH issues? I know that in the past when I was ill I was rubbish at everything (not anymore hopefully!) - I never knew what day it was and had bad relationships. Perhaps this is also her?

Confused40 Tue 20-Aug-13 22:56:26

She hasn't contacted me in ages. Only when she wants something will I hear from her.

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